Why I'd Consider Smoking

Smokers get all the breaks, and I don't just mean lung cancer. I'm talking about literal breaks - hourly cigarette breaks, a special treat granted to those with a need for nicotine. I'd like to take regular five-minute breaks to just sit outside, too, but I lack the built-in excuse.

Instead, I try to take back the time I feel owed to me as a non-smoker in the form of another break: the bathroom break. I already go to the bathroom more than anyone I know, but at work, I drink water literally all day long so that I'm practically leaking out my bottom half. Who's going to yell at me for using the bathroom too much?

There's one problem with my plan: it's a bathroom and there's not much to do. Once, out of boredom, I spun myself in circles until I collapsed to the dirty tile floor from dizziness, laying there until I didn't feel like puking anymore. I doubt that was a healthier activity than smoking, but at least it was fun! Actually, it was a miserable experience, but I say it's fun so that I don't feel like such a dumbass for doing that to myself.

Still, cigarette breaks offer the allure of the outdoors, so I'm tempted. I would never actually do it, however, as those of you that know me know I say it's gross. Those of you who know me even better know it has nothing to do with it being gross, and everything to do with me being too cheap to start the habit. Hell, I refuse to wipe unless I have access to free toilet paper. At least bathroom breaks at work have that going for them.


susan said...

Don't use drugs, Kevin!

By the way, your mom printed out the couch column and has been showing all her friends. You're lucky Alison told her that was the only thing you'd written and wouldn't let her scroll up the page. If you start smoking, I'll send her the url!

Kevin said...

Happy Birthday!

You're pulling the "I'm telling" card on me? That's no fun, unless you're refering to the great brother-sister game show by the same name. Alison and I really dropped the ball by not going on that one.