I Need a Dog

Yesterday, I got home from work and the house was empty. Not empty in the oh-my-gosh-we've-been-robbed! sense, rather no one was there. Every other day this past month, I've been warmly greeted by housemates Desiree and Raumene, the latter humping my leg. Yesterday, however, nothing. I whistled, called their names, even ran the can-opener to see if they'd come running, to no avail. With no playthings, I sat around bored. I wondered how long I should wait before hanging LOST flyers. Finally, they came through the door, offering some lame excuse about having been exercising. So much for my big plans to take them for a W-A-L-K later that evening.

Obviously, my friends aren't dependable enough, so I'm thinking about getting a dog, something to show me the unconditional affection I deserve. I figure if I lock it in a cage, not only will it be guaranteed to be there when I get home, it'll be all the more excited to see me. Also, it could bring me the paper in the morning, something I'm having difficulty training Desiree to do, even though we all know her mouth is plenty big enough. Best of all, I'll always have something to blame my gas on. Well, it's settled: I'm in the market for a dog. I've been meaning to go to the hardware store, anyway.