Showing posts with label liberry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label liberry. Show all posts

2013-11-13

What Would I Say?

I admit it, I really like What-Would-I-Say because it's essentially Horse eBooks but with your own words! Usually it's hard to laugh at your own jokes, but when you didn't actually write them, the laughs flow freely.

That is a potent pill the government is prescribing.

Better safe than sorry.

Any guesses? Mitt Romney, obviously.

Well?

Yeah I am!

You can't say I didn't try to uphold journalistic integrity.

It's best not to.

It was time to pay up.

The revolution won't be televised, but it will be a grumpy gus.

This one's a thinker. She's not trying to kill herself, she's just trying to make it look like she tried to kill herself, I guess. 

What a disappointment. This is why people don't read.

Ugh, tell me about it.

2013-06-01

10 More Ridiculous Children's Books

My liberrian friend (by which I mean she works at a liberry, she's not Liberian - not that there's anything wrong with that! unless this were Back to the Future) continues to find and send me photos of some of the most ridiculous children's literature her liberry houses. Here are 10 of my favorites:

Inspired by the Everclear song "Father of Mine"


I think it's safe to assume it's also The Last Book of Salt.


Being a teenager is plenty hard, but I bet it only gets worse after your parents read this book.


Something tells me they'll regret giving a baby to Max.


Coooooooooooooooool!


The liberry needs more books of men punching kids in the face.


Forget kids: I'd scream in terror if any of these men spoke to me.


Most books have only moderate amounts of rot.


Don't sit on the bench with Alex! He has AIDS!


Oh dear.

2012-07-09

Awful Children's Books

My friend Kim is very fortunate to be a children's librarian. Aside from having to deal with children (shudder), she gets to weed funny, dated books from her library collection. It's just like my favorite blog I never remember to read, Awful Library Books!

Kim was kind enough to share some of her more memorable finds with me:



Surprisingly, that computer looks even less modern than...



Woo too, space puppets! If that's not enough puppet action for you, try this peregrine falcon puppet that's trying to raise a chick.

I guess its mother died? Much like this bird...























Great cover art! And it's part of a series...






















It turns out there are a lot of books about handicapped kids in Kim's library.






















THEY WOULDN'T QUIT.






















And then there's this book about Jamie. According to the text, he's slow, he doesn't have many friends, and he suffers from an "invisible handicap. [He is] not retarded." So, like, an autism book before autism? Wish I could read the whole thing to know if it's more or less offensive than my other favorite kids' book My Brother Steven Is Retarded.

2011-12-15

My Suggestions for Visiting LA



Thanks for the kind words, I genuinely appreciate hearing from readers.

At the same time, I also question whether you’re thinking of the right person! I live in LA, but I don’t think I’m too complimentary of it on my blog. Don’t get me wrong, I like it here, and I’m positive you’ll thoroughly enjoy your overdue vacation because there’s so much for tourists. That said, I’m broke and prefer dive bars and vaguely dangerous hangouts; Molls would be a better person to ask about the trendier aspects of the city.

I know I recently said that the LA tourism board should hire me after referring a visitor to our interactive homicide map, but that was a joke. When I browse back through my blog, I mostly see things that would scare away tourists. In fact, my blog kind of reads like recommendations from SNL’s Stefan.

Come to LA and see…
In case you need clarification, please don’t try to see any of those things. They will ruin your vacation. Now if you’re a local looking for a little adventure, I’d be happy to hook you up with the addresses of some of these places.

Since you asked so nicely, allow me to step out of Stefan/my normal blogging mode to give you a few genuine suggestions for those visiting LA:
  1. The Griffith Observatory is my favorite place in LA. You can drive to the top, but I’d actually suggest hiking to the top on one of the trails in the late afternoon. Bring a picnic dinner/take-out with you and stay until nightfall, so you get to see the stupendous view of LA from both vantage points. You can also see the Hollywood sign well from there, so you can check that off, too.
  2. LA actually has some great museums. The Getty is an experience (and on the coast if you want to double up on a beach trip) and is free other than parking. I like the Natural History Museum, too. And if you’re in the mood for something odd, give the Museum of Jurassic Technology a try. Just promise not to google it for anything other than its address because it’s something best experienced blindly.
  3. Since you’re not from LA, you might be a person who actually eats/eats meat (we have a lot of beautiful anorexic vegans here.) One dining experience I’d recommend is Wurstkuche. It may sound dirty, but it’s actually a trendy (so go on a weekday) place with exotic sausages. And if you enjoy eating A LOT of meat, I’d say go to for authentic all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ in Koreatown. And in all honesty, eat at least one meal from a truck. Food trucks are locals’ preferred mode of dining, and you can find trucks with not just Mexican food, but grilled cheese, mac & cheese, sandwiches, lobster, etc.
A lot of the best events will be time specific, so grab a copy of LA Weekly when you’re out here to make sure you’re not missing anything exciting! Have fun!

2010-10-08

Making out with Yourself

I am such a compulsive multi-tasker that I will save the last twenty minutes of my book to read on my walk back to the liberry. Though I definitely walk slower while reading, I consider this act to be time-saving overall.

Plus, I kind of like having my nose in a book on my regular walks because I pass so many schools. I can't help but be paranoid that, as an adult male, when people see me walk by schools, they assume I'm some sort of pedophile. It's not the case at all, and perhaps part of the reason I still carry around my old teacher ID (well, that and discounts) so that if questioned, I can show that I am certified to work with kids, not an abductor. Never has any of this stuff been a problem, but I just prefer to have my eyes averted and credentials ready just in case.

However, on today's walk, I almost missed the most amazing scene because I was reading. Across from the liberry, I heard laughter right beside me. I turned to see a tiny kid making kissing noises and hugging himself tightly. My first thought was "Holy autism!" but then I realized that he had his back to a group of girls who were watching him pretend to make out with someone, as kids sometimes do. As with real kissing, however, he had his eyes shut, so he was unaware that only a few feet and a fence separated us. The girls, seeing my shocked expression, laughed even harder. Noticing the amplification, he opened his eyes, saw me staring at him, and jumped backward screaming in embarrassment. It's one thing to perform for a specific audience, but another thing when an adult crashes the show.

Toying with the kid, I decided to give him one of those, "Yeah, you're kind of funny, but cut it out!" looks I perfected as a teacher, prompting him to hide his face. I kept walking, but behind me I could hear the girls begging him to do it again, to which he obliged. Only then did I realize the reason I was so drawn to this scene: this kid was me. That's something I would do at his age: make an ass out of myself for a bunch of girls in the hopes of earning their affection. Later he'll probably ask if any of them want to kiss for real, and when they decline, he'll tell them he was having more fun making out with himself anyway.

2010-09-24

A Job Interview

I just got back from a job interview. It went well! If by well, I mean comically.

I've been on this kick where I've been missing teaching lately, mainly because I'm a glutton for punishment. I thought one way to reconcile this yearning would be to teach adults learning English. As I see it, teaching mature people who are choosing to be in the classroom means less cursing, fewer death threats.

After throwing my resume at everyone I could, I finally heard back from a man who ran an ESL school. From both a brief email and phone conversation, it became clear that his own English wasn't too good. I joked to my friends that the one guy who expressed an interest in hiring me was also the one guy who couldn't actually read my resume.

I arrived at the office today at the same time as another guy. The boss greeted the other guy warmly and said, "Who are you?" to me. I told him I was here for an interview and he said, "Oh no, I over-book! I already did so many, I forgot any more." He promised the other guy that he would get back to him in 10 minutes and pulled me into a room for an interview.

He quickly asked me a couple of basic questions about my experience, then said, "So tell me about Taiwan." I froze, trying to think of what I knew about Taiwan other than that they manufacture a lot of crap. I guessed he wanted to know about my familiarity with Asian culture. "Well, it's an island nation by China..." I started. "No, no, what you do when you in Taiwan?" "I've never been to Taiwan," I said. He points to the part of my resume that mentions my internship at the Mark Twain House. I had to explain that it was Mark Twain the author, not Taiwan the country, and that effectively ended the main interest he had in me. My jest became a reality: he actually had brought me in because he couldn't read my resume properly.

Never mind my experience with ESL students, my Masters degree, my charming tie that's decorated like a pencil (it's cute and education-themed!) I even wore my glasses that I only wear to drive in order to look "smarter." I've been told multiple times that I interview well, and I worked every angle I could before he dismissed me, so I'm not saying that it's entirely out of the realm of possibility that I'll get a callback, but like whatever. I'm not going to make fun of a guy for not speaking proper English, but when you head a school that is designed to do just that, you're opening yourself up for criticism like a fat doctor or an illiterate librarian.

Underemployment for life! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go read some Mark Taiwan.

2010-09-08

Our Neighbors in Africa

A local public school liberry recently discarded this book. Despite the word "neighbor" in the title, which suggests that they might portray Africans as Americans' equals, I figured it would be worth scooping up in order to find the inevitable racism.

Initially, the bigotry is pretty minimal, with just periodic bits of a condescending tone:

"There are cows in Africa, but most boys and girls do not drink milk because their parents do not know that drinking milk is important for good health" (21).

But then that condescension grows...

"At playtime African children like to play tag or hide-and-seek or singing games. And of course they like to play in mud" (28). Of course!

The book does not reference a single famous African person, but does mention two kindly white gentleman, David Livingstone and Albert Schweitzer, who traveled to Africa to save lives with their medical knowhow. You see, Africa's take on medicine is through witch doctors, as these two pages explain:

In addition to the witch doctor section, there is also a part about slavery. Considering the book editorializes sporadically throughout, the slavery portion is a questionable place to start taking a just-the-facts approach. Particularly in a children's book, a condemnation of slavery, or perhaps anything slightly more critical than "Many people became rich selling slaves" (34) would have been appropriate.

At least the book ends on a high note. The last page reads, "While most Africans are illiterate, poor, disease-ridden, and superstitious, there are highly educated Africans." See, it's not offensive because they acknowledge that there are some exceptions!

I suppose it's a good thing that kids don't read anymore.

2010-06-10

Polygamy on Film


Molls posted this and I immediately echoed her sentiment as a lover of bad, melodramatic media. Not only does the TV movie focus on polygamists, people I've been obsessed with ever since almost getting a tattoo to commemorate a polygamist cult, but it is a Lifetime movie! On Last Comic Standing this week, comedienne Paula Bel opined, "Lifetime: television for women. Every time you turn it on we're getting beaten, raped, and stabbed. Whose lifetime is this?!" I think that pretty much sums up the appeal.

Another reason I was compelled to In God's Country is the casting. What a bold decision to have the lead in a polygamist story be an African American! Actually, there wasn't a black person in the whole film, I had just confused the name Kelly Rowan for Kelly Rowland, hence mixing up the alcoholic mom from The OC with the Destiny's Child member who must have kissed Beyonce's ass the most since she was the only one to never be replaced.

In the cult, Rowan faces adversity. One sister wife tells her, "Must be terrible not having an infant of your own, I'd die of shame if I only had five children." That is some SMACK TALK for a polygamist. Later, her twelve-year-old daughter is injured and nearly raped by an older man in the congregation. Rowan actually keeps the incident pretty quiet, but since she doesn't, like, invite the man back over to her house for another try, her husband excommunicates her along with her five children. It's a good thing, since just after "God" tells the minister that all of the 12-year-olds should be married off to old men to keep them in line.

Rowan's oldest daughter steals a story line from Liesl from Sound of Music who whines that she wants to stay in Nazi Germany because she's in love with this guy who is 17 going on 18 or whatever. The polygamists tell "Liesl" she can marry her boyfriend if she returns to the compound except that they switch out the groom to her own stepfather at the last minute at her wedding because the polygamists firmly believe that young pussy is meant for decrepit old men.

Meanwhile, things are also difficult for Rowan in the real world. Her body can't stand that ungodly drug caffeine and she can barely work the cash register at the grocery store where she found employment. It's okay because her goal is actually to become a teacher even though she never made it past seventh grade herself. A local cop, who totally wants to get into Rowan's shapeless dresses, actually encourages this dumbass to pursue that path. Look, Mr. Flirty Cop, Rowan may be the only single woman of a certain age in that small town he polices, but she just left a cult, escaped from a burning building, started a new job, and filed a restraining order against her husband, so it's a little too early to be throwing it out there like that, especially for someone with more baggage than an airplane.

And then there's that twelve-year-old daughter; if she would have just shut up and gotten molested, none of this mess would have happened in the first place. She starts to like school more than religion and exalts the word "hypotenuse" like it is the name of Jesus Christ himself. My favorite scene in the whole movie is when she goes to the liberry to learn about astronomy (heathen!) and the liberrian tells her "520s." When the girl returns a confused look, the liberrian repeats "520s" before slowly saying, "Dew-ey-dec-i-mal-sys-tem" like the girl is a total idiot. I know the point of the scene is to show that the girl is uneducated from living with the cult, but the majority of kids her age are not going to know the Dewey Decimal System, so there's no point in being an asshole. I was once certified and paid to teach kids the Dewey Decimal System, and I doubt more than a few of them know Dewey as anything more than a character on Malcolm in the Middle.

In God's Country is set to expire on Hulu in the next week or so, so I recommend watching ASAP if you're interested. But when a movie includes dialogue such as "I am not your mother anymore, I'm your sister-wife and you're a grown woman, so behave like one!" I don't think you're going to want to resist.

2010-03-13

Columbine

While looking for book recommendations, I saw that Dave Cullen’s Columbine made a list of 10 Best Non-Fiction Books in 2009. I was attracted to the book for a few reasons. Firstly, I prefer reading non-fiction these days, and this book was sure to have real-life action, adventure, and drama. Secondly, when I was a teacher, I had a handful of students that seemed off enough that I did sometimes worry that they could become school attacker types, so I was curious to learn more about what made these particular individuals tick. Thirdly, as someone who was in high school at the time, the incident had a profound effect on my life. My school dealt with numerous bomb threats shortly thereafter and my Spanish teacher went on this unjustified inquisition of all the students who wore trench coats. She wanted to ban trench coats, as if the clothing were the real problem as opposed to the guns and bullying, seeming to misunderstand that her plan to outcast the outcasts further was the real recipe for disaster.

I checked the book out from my local liberry, but not without apprehension. Though my intentions were pure, I was worried that someone would assume I was some wannabe copycat killer and I was studying up on the incident. Previously, I received a long judgmental stare from the stuff liberrian when I checked out Sex for America: Politically Inspired Erotica (I was just scouting for another possible erotica book club selection, but alas, it sucked), so I could only imagine what would happen with Columbine. Fortunately, this time the liberrian didn’t even flinch. Because I was about to fly home for the winter holiday, I tried to preemptively renew it, but someone else had put a hold on it, so I had to give it back before my trip after having only read a few chapters.

A couple months after returning to California, I thought about the book again and contemplated renewing it. As a friend had already pointed out, checking it out once probably already put me on some government watch list (I’m probably on so many by this point), and checking it out a second time would probably set off some red flags. As much as I was embarrassed to check it out again, it was a pretty good book, so I wanted to finish it. I went to pick up Columbine and, fortunately, once again, the liberrian appeared to make no judgment.

Cut to a hour and a half later when I received a text from Stacy. “Did you hear about the shooting at the library?” She had gone to drop a book off and the police were surrounding the premises. Apparently, shortly after I left, a teenager was shot just outside of the liberry.

This is alarming for several reasons.
A. I consider my quaint little town (well, as quaint as a section of Los Angeles can be) to be rather safe.
B. I was just there! I had even lingered outside for a while having a phone conversation where I paused to watch a bunch of young kids in the nearby schoolyard play tug of war.
C. I had just checked out Columbine, so not only was I on a list, perhaps I was a suspect!

I may not have been guilty, but that didn’t stop the paranoia. All the same, I’m going to play it safe at the liberry from now. The next few books I’m going to check out will include Pacifism for Pacifists, Being a Good Person Like You Always Have Been, and The Bible.

2010-01-27

Porn Star Karaoke

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

2009-12-12

Cheap

If I were to describe myself in a word, it would be “cheap.” Well, I suppose if I were having good self-esteem on that particular day I might instead say “creative” or even middling self-esteem I might go for a euphemism like “frugal,” but on just about any day, if I were being honest, “cheap” would definitely be in the top ten.

When I heard about Cheap: The High Cost of Discount Culture, a book by Ellen Ruppel Shell, I made it a point to read it to see if I could challenge my thrifty inclinations. Truthfully, I admire my own frugality. It’s what makes life more manageable in my recent period of un(der)employment. The fact that I didn’t spend much money even when I was earning it also makes it easier. However, while cheapness can be good, I know it often comes at a price, so I wanted to educate myself on the subject. I didn’t rush out and buy Cheap; being cheap and all I just waited patiently for it to come in on hold at the liberry.

Cheap was a good read, and raises some interesting points. There is a lot of focus on the thrill of the deal. Sale prices trigger excitement on the part of the consumer, and I am no exception. Through some psychological… I’ll call it a quirk, but feel free to call it a deficiency… I can barely bring myself to pay full-price for anything. I’ll buy the brand of cereal that’s on sale that week or search tirelessly for online coupons for products I’m interested in. Although saving 50 cents won’t make or break me, it does make or break whether I buy something ultimately. I wish I could get over that, but it’s not a unique mindset apparently.

Even if Shell hasn’t shaken the frugality out of me, I am at least a more educated consumer for having read Cheap. For one, the book dispels the appeal of outlet stores. I always assumed that these stores were stocked with surplus items, but apparently many just house items made specifically for these locations. These products are of inferior quality and the stores won’t stand behind the products by way of returns and warranties in the same way they will at their regular stores. Instead, they are merely using an established brand name with the promise of a deal to lure customers. Furthermore, people will typically spend more on gas traveling to these outlets than the difference in price had they bought them at a nearby store.

Another lesson is to do your homework, because Wal-Mart and other big-box discount retailers are selective in their low prices. By having the cheapest prices on the products we are most familiar with the value of (milk, batteries, socks, etc.), they use that to earn a reputation and get you into the store and actually jack up the prices of less conventional goods. Once you think everything is cheaper at this spot, you’re less likely to research and discover that the same clock or pair of headphones is actually $20 cheaper next door.

The book is also littered with fun facts. Shopping carts were invented because, previously, shoppers would never buy more than they could carry. A funny notion, huh? When the first grocery store introduced carts, consumers wouldn’t touch them; the men saw them as emasculating and the women viewed them as unpopular. To reverse this trend, the store paid burly men and attractive women to push carts around the store until the general public followed suit. To this day, people buy more items when they push a cart than when they hold a basket, which reconfirms my tendency to never grab more than a basket when I shop.

While reading this book, I was in the market for a bed, and most of my friends vouched for Ikea. I saw that there was a whole chapter devoted to Ikea, which I figured wouldn’t be too favorable, so I almost decided to buy the bed before reading the chapter so that I could plead ignorant. Since ignorance was the exact opposite reason I chose to read the book in the first place, I forced myself to confront the issue.

The Ikea chapter was linked to the death of the craftsman. Quality, built-to-last items are now losing in popularity to cheap, flimsy counterparts. Though the quality items cost more, you buy less of them over time, hence saving money. Unfortunately, for many people, they can’t afford to make the long-term investment and have to choose the cheaper, short-term option.

Author Shell wonders whether we live in a world that doesn’t cherish craftsmanship anymore. I’d say yes. Oddly enough, the chapter reinforced the reasons why an Ikea purchase might still be the wisest for me. An Ikea bed is appealing because of its disposable nature. If I move soon, I can take it apart and move it with me. I’m not in a settled position in life, so buying a finely-crafted bed that I would become attached to and be proud to have throughout my life doesn’t interest me, it just bogs me down.

So, yeah, I bought an Ikea bed. That’s not me thumbing my nose at Cheap either or admission of a problem, just the choice I made in this instance. At least I can say I weighed the pros and cons. Plus, I rather enjoyed learning that the Ikea CEO, a multi-billionaire, still haggles over the cost of produce at the market. Clearly, the thrill of a deal is not just about saving money if someone with more money than he could ever spend falls prey. My challenge going forward is to stop and review my thrifty impulses: Am I being cheap because it’s the smart option or because it’s a compulsive response?

2009-12-06

A Day at the Liberry

A month ago, I locked myself out of my house. I remember having a quick thought of "oh I don't need my keys because I'm walking" and before I knew it, I had l left without my keys. At first I was upset, but since this was at a point when there wasn't any furniture in my house, I realized it wasn't too much of an inconvenience. I could just walk to the public liberry and read something to kill time. Plus, there would be a place to sit there.

If for no other reason, I love the liberry for the people watching. For a building filled with books, the liberry has a surprisingly large amount of illiterate folks. In all three towns that I've lived in throughout my life, I thought that I had nice, normal communities, but when I spent time in the liberries, I am always astonished by the riff-raff and wonder how I see these people there and nowhere else locally. It's not a bad thing, just a strange thing.

On this particular day, I finally saw a cliche in action. Until that point, I had never seen a liberrian actually shushing people. Periodically, she would approach patrons and angrily quiet them. I wasn't sure whether or not I admired how seriously she took her job until her next interaction with a visitor.

A woman wearing oversized headphones approached the liberrian sitting at the information desk. She had several DVDs in her hand and wanted to know if she had grabbed all of the Tyler Perry movies available. She also wanted to know which of the films were the best. Taste level aside, she clearly wasn't completely there mentally from the way she spoke. The liberrian, who was not familiar with Tyler Perry, took the task seriously and found all of the Tyler Perry movies and began giving plot summaries. She was momentarily excited when she found out Maya Angelou made a cameo in one of the films, but the patron was no more familiar with the poet than the liberrian was familiar with Tyler Perry so it was a useless detail.

I was jealous that if this woman was going to get all the Tyler Perry movies before I could; a Tyler Perry movie marathon sounds like heaven - if heaven is full of cross-dressing racial stereotypes. The liberrian reminded the crazy patron that she could only check out 3 DVDs at a time and gave her the chronology of their release dates, which was probably a good suggestion. I mean, you can't just watch Madea go to jail before seeing her family reunion. Fortunately, the somewhat-off patron had a backup plan - a child. Her son, who seemed surprisingly normal, ran up to her with a few books. Mom made him check out three of the DVDs under his account to get around the system, and he told her that they looked stupid. Yup, the son is already more astute than his mom.

Without anyone to assist, the liberrian found more people to shush, before breaking the peace again herself with an announcement that a free art class for kids would be starting in the adjacent room in five minutes. Once the class began, she began talking smack about the visiting art instructor to one of the parents. Apparently, he likes to have the kids tear construction paper rather than use scissors, or so she told the parent in a completely condescending manner before adding, "But I guess that's what makes him an artist." Yeah, and you have fifteen minute conversations about Tyler Perry with imbalanced people... why not take your own advice and "SHHHHH!"?

At a later point, there was an eighty-something-year-old woman in the liberry who was deranged. Probably hard of hearing, she was shouting everything she said to her twenty-year-old caretaker who seemed fairly embarrassed. Because she was old as fuck and not with it, no one intervened and asked the woman to shut up. I certainly wasn't going to, because what she said was a riot.

"PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THIS MAN. HE SAYS THINGS THAT PEOPLE DON'T LIKE. THE RELIGIOUS PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HIM BECAUSE HE SAYS WE COME FROM MONKEYS, NOT GOD. BUT WE CAME FROM MONKEYS! WE STAND UP AND WE'RE HAIRY, GET OVER IT." Then she laughed maniacally to herself. Everyone was staring uncomfortably, so the caretaker did her best to escort the loud woman out of the building as quickly as possible. As she passed, I smiled at her. She might be crazy, but she's harmless, plus it was refreshing to see someone so old share - even loudly - some liberal views.

Seeing my smile, she took a few steps toward me to show me her book titled Darwin. "DO YOU LIKE DARWIN?" "I do like Darwin," I told her, still smiling. I walked toward the door to help her flustered caretaker move the woman outdoors. I wanted to engage with her more, but I wasn't sure at what level I could carry on a conversation.

Once outside, she became distracted by a skateboarder with dyed pink bright hair. "IS THAT REAL?" she asked the punk kid. "Yup," said the skateboarder's smart-ass friend. "He was born with that?" "OH!" she said. She's not taken in by creationism, but she did believe that? I wanted to make a joke about pink hair is an evolutionary trait, but I realized it would probably go over everyone's head and just decided to finally walk home to meet my housemate who was kind enough to stop home and let me in.

Still, I love the liberry. I might start locking myself out more often.

2009-11-17

How to Really Love Your Child

One of my favorite new blogs, Awful Library Books, featured the book How to Really Love Your Teenager today. I immediately recognized it as a sequel to a book I own, How to REALLY Love Your Child, and I was inspired to revisit this gem. I picked this book up from a discard pile, mainly because the title made me laugh. While I comprehend the intent of the book, when they emphasize the “really” part by putting the word in a different color, it’s difficult not to think that the book might be championing incestuous pedophilia.

Though I brought home the book with that joke in mind, I figured it would be tame and banal at best. I did not actually believe that author Dr. Ross Campbell would advocate anything inappropriate. And yet, as I skimmed through the book, I found that sometimes his suggestions were seriously disturbing. Take these three paragraphs from the book. I initially abbreviated them, but then decided to just put them unedited so that you can see I’m not manipulating the text or taking it out of context. Just read this and see if the described behavior between father and daughter seems not only healthy but beneficial to you:

A girl gets her sexual identity at that age primarily from her father, as long as he is living and especially if he is in the home. If a father is dead or otherwise removed from relating to his daughter, a girl must find other paternal figures to fill these needs. But when a father has any viable relationship with her, he is the primary person who can help his daughter be prepared in this particular way for adolescence. What a great responsibility!

A father helps his daughter to approve of herself by showing her that he himself approves of her. He does this by applying the principles we have discussed thus far—unconditional love, eye contact, and physical contact, as well as focused attention. A daughter’s need for her father to do this begins as early as two years of age. This need, although important at younger ages, becomes greater as the girl grows older and approaches that almost magic age of thirteen.

One problem is our society is that as a girl grows older, a father usually feels increasingly uncomfortable about giving his daughter the affection she needs, especially when she becomes pre-adolescent (about 10 or 11 years old). So as a daughter arrives at the age when she needs her father’s affection the most, a father feels more awkward and uncomfortable, especially with physical contact. This is extremely unfortunate. Fathers, we must ignore our discomfort and give our daughters what is vital to them for their entire lives.

That’s right, fathers! It might seem wrong to affectionately touch with your daughters, but you’re doing it for the betterment of them! And what about the sons, you might ask? Well Dr. Campbell’s got that covered:

The first example is drawn from Rusty, a very dear friend of mine who is mean, tough, “all man,” and a drill instructor in the U.S. Marine Corps. He and his wonderfully warm sensitive wife have four boys, “stair steps.” Rusty decided his boys were going to be like him, tough and rugged men. He treated them like Marine recruits with strict and rigid discipline, no affection, unquestioned obedience, and no questions.

The last time I saw these boys each one was extremely effeminate. Their mannerisms, speech, and appearance were those of girls. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. I see it every day. Boys with rejecting, harsh, non-affectionate fathers generally become effeminate.

You think that molesting your kids is a homosexual act? Well maybe it is on a temporary level, but if you don’t do it, they’re bound to be homosexuals forever. And that’d be awful! I wonder if Dr. Campbell’s “very dear friend” Rusty appreciates this representation of his children.

To Dr. Campbell’s credit, he does think there is an excessive extent to which someone can, uh, touch his kids:

A seven-year-old girl was seen at a psychiatric clinic for frequent masturbation and poor school performance. The evaluation disclosed that the child spent much time fantasizing (day-dreaming) her mother’s death and living alone with her father. It was also noted that her father spent much time holding the child, caressing and fondling her in such a way that seemed to bring sensual enjoyment to both father and child. When these facts were gently shared with the father, his response was, “Oh my word! I just realized that when I wash the soap off of her when we’re showering together, she reacts like a mature woman.”

I would pay good money to witness a man suddenly reaching the realization that his daughter responds like a “mature woman” when he touches her in the shower. You should really love your child, but maybe not really really love her.

Still, the absolute best part of this book can actually be found on the back cover, which features a photo of Dr. Campbell’s family. Pay close attention to the caption:

Perhaps this book should be re-titled How to Really Love Your Child… Unless She Has an Intellectual Disability, in Which Case Get Rid of Her. They can’t go visit poor Cathy and take a picture with her? It’s not prison – or, well, it shouldn’t be a prison anyway. As far as I’m concerned, even if this book were filled with decent advice rather than nonsense, this photo gaff is enough to entirely discredit the contents. It sounds like Dr. Campbell needs a lesson in sensitivity from one of my other favorite books, My Brother Steven Is Retarded.

2009-09-14

Frisco Fashions

It’s been about ninety degrees just about every day in Los Angeles, so I only packed t-shirts for my trip to San Francisco. I failed to remember that it is significantly colder in the Bay Area and the lack of warmer layers proved immediately problematic. Before heading out to dinner the first night, Phoebe offered me a sweatshirt. To be specific, it was a purple sweatshirt stained with cum. In reality, the white stains were probably toothpaste, but that’s not what people were going to assume when they saw it. I’m pretty free-spirited when it comes to my outfits, but even I was hesitant to wear something purple and cum-stained. “When in San Francisco…” I figured, ultimately resolving to wear it with pride.

That said, my patience for that sweatshirt was limited. The next morning I ambled until I found a thrift store. I was willing to purchase anything warm and cheap. My first inclination was a ridiculous Cosby sweater, but those were $5.99 each, so I searched for something cheaper. And there it was: a jacket so ugly it was beautiful. This hooded jacked didn’t know whether it was a windbreaker or a fleece; it was located in the “husky boy” section, but I figure that’s a pretty accurate description of me. At $1.99, I couldn’t go wrong.

The jacket was the perfect accessory. Even if it weren’t cold, I would have worn it everywhere I could. Plus, it had this awful pouch, in which I stored everything I could find, short of a joey. I love this jacket so much that it’s going to be part of my LA wardrobe, too, once the temperature cools down after all the fires are extinguished.

The last piece of clothing I acquired was a t-shirt. Originally, it was a gift for Kim’s birthday from her dad. His gifts tend to fit into the “it’s the thought that counts” category. In addition to a gift certificate to a hunting and fishing store (she participates in neither activity), she received a set of liberrian-themed t-shirts. You see, Kim is studying to be a liberrian, so she obviously needs several sassy shirts announcing this fact. The one she hated the most was an ill-fitting men’s medium in a shade of yellow that flatters no one. The shirt reads in the ugliest font: “It’s hard to be humble when you’re a librarian.”
If I saw this shirt at a thrift store, I would chuckled and buy it, so when Kim offered it to me, of course I accepted. Moreover, I promised to wear it all day on the day of her party. All of Kim’s worst fears about the shirt were confirmed when I wore it to a street festival. The two absolute most nerdy people in a sea of thousands approached me to talk about my shirt. A socially awkward guy with glasses and a long, frizzy mullet asked me if I was a librarian. “Studying to be one,” I lied. “Do you know Joselyn?” he asked. I made a confused face. “She’s my friend, she’s a librarian, too.” Because, you know, all liberrians know each other. I must have made another critical face because he finally picked up on how strange he was being and apologized hastily and walked away in an even more awkward fashion. The next fan of the shirt was an old woman with a fanny pack who read the shirt and giggled before declaring, “That’s right! Librarians rock!” Thanks, lady!

I’ll see y’all on the runway.

2009-08-27

What Have You Changed Your Mind About?

I just finished the book What Have You Changed Your Mind About?: Today’s Leading Minds Rethink Everything. The book features 150 brief essays by notable figures sharing when and why they altered their perspective on something. Though I love the concept, I’m not crazy enough about it to recommend it. Most of the chapters dealt with science and technology, so while they explained how they had come to reconsider some aspect of the human genome, I was often confused.

One thing I won’t change my mind about is how important it is for people to change their minds. Not willy-nilly, of course, but we should all do it when it’s warranted; there’s no prize for being stubborn. I like changing my mind because it means that I have learned something new and used this information to challenge the beliefs I previously held. There’s nothing more frustrating to me than people who are so set in their views that they won’t accept opportunities to learn, grow, and adjust accordingly.

This topic always makes me consider the downfall of John Kerry after he was labeled a flip-flopper. It was frustrating to watch as someone was criticized for changing his opinion. Don’t get me wrong, Kerry kinda sucked and I’m not prepared or willing to defend him on the whole, but I will defend a flip-flopper, so long as he can cite reasons for the change.

As a high school teacher, I once used what was essentially the book’s title as a journal prompt to see if I could get a better picture of my students’ thought processes. The assignment wasn’t too successful as I received many short paragraphs about deciding to go out for the football team rather than soccer because more of his friends were doing it.

Consequently, I changed my mind about my profession. I wanted something deeper, but that was par for the course: I always wanted something deeper from my students. In retrospect, they were too young; they couldn’t very well change their minds about significant issues before forming initial opinions on the matters. It’s funny to look back at how I felt at their age.

I used to consider myself a Republican.
I used to believe in God.
I used to be opposed to gay marriage.
I used to support affirmative action.
I used to understand love.

Over time, life experience and new knowledge led me to alter these views. My mind has changed and I feel I’m a better person for it. That said, I can’t promise my mind won’t change again, perhaps reverting back to some of my preteen perspectives. As long as it’s based in wisdom rather than nostalgia, I think that’s beautiful.

What have you changed your mind about?

2009-05-03

My Brother Steven Is Retarded

I found this book, My Brother Steven Is Retarded, in a children's liberry's discard pile.  It was with several dozen other books that were clearly outdated.  This one stuck out to me, however, because the use of the word "Retarded" made it severely outdated.   It's not supposed to be offensive, it's an educational book of sorts that inadvertently became politically incorrect since 1977.  I'm just curious how it survived in the liberry for as long as it has.

Below, I'm including a sampling of the pages from the book. 
(note: Click on pages for enlarged view of text)

The sister, Beth, starts by sharing some of her hardships.  I get it, she's being relatable to the kids reading it who probably have negative impressions of people with mental disabilities. 


After getting over some initial fears that she'd catch retardation and that her mom did it to her brother on purpose, Beth drinks some bitch juice and unapologetically declares, "Better Steven than me!"

All right, Beth's still complaining.  She'll get over it soon.  "It's not his fault his brain was hurt": that's compassionate, sort of, right?

Several pages later, and Beth is still complaining about Steven.  He's easy to forget when he's not around, but when he is, damn...

Beth is eternally sad and there's no changing that. 

Now we're on the second to last page.  The last one will surely lead up to a more optimistic ending...

"I hope he will be happy."  Wow.  Is that a kiss-off, or what?  Nice knowing you, Steven.  You won't be my problem anymore.  

I gave this book the benefit of the doubt in spite of its use of the R-word, but it still ended up being pretty offensive.  It deserves some credit for being honest and not sugarcoating the experience of a child with a mentally disabled sibling, but it also doesn't even attempt to show any positive or warm experiences.  I kept waiting for a moment where Beth would acknowledge Steven as something other than a nuisance.  The best Beth ever manages, as seen in an earlier page, is "I guess I love Steven."  Kids reading this book are probably left with the same sentiment that Beth expressed earlier on -- better their family than mine.

In short, this book is just ret... ret... 
Retired.  As it should be.