Los Angeles in 2 Parts

I made a mini-love letter to the people of Los Angeles in the form of a 30 second video.



First is a clip of today’s police brutality march where 1,000+ of us shut down some streets of downtown LA. It was partially in solidarity with events in Ferguson, but mainly in memory of the multiple unarmed men of color the police have killed in our own city in the past couple of weeks. It’s ridiculous that this is so common of an occurrence. Apparently, someone else got shot by LAPD during our protest mere blocks away.

Shortly after, a few minute walk away, I came upon a three-block long oval of elderly Japanese women performing a choreographed dance routine to Pharrell’s “Happy.” It was cute and kind of a culture shock after shouting at the LAPD… yet also, in a weird way, kind of fitting.

We got a lot of work to do, Los Angeles; keep being awesome in the meantime.

Happy 10th Birthday, Jadakiss's "Why"

Jadakiss's sorta hit song "Why" turns 10 today. In celebration, a full decade later, I think I'm finally ready to take on the wholly unnecessary task of answering over 50 of Jada's disjointed rhetorical questions. 

Yo, why is Jadakiss as hard as it gets?

Viagra.

Why is the industry designed to keep the artist in debt?

Capitalism's a sham, man.

And why them dudes ain't riding if they part of your set?

No loyalty.

And why they never get it popping but they party to death?

People enjoy revelry. 

Yeah and why they gonna give you life for a murder?

It's a punishment meant to discourage people from committing this crime.

Turn around only give you eight months for a burner?

It seems fair to have a much lighter punishment for possessing an illegal gun, then say, using that gun to kill someone.

Why they selling niggas CDs for under a dime?

Yo, I just saw Paula Cole's album in the discount bin, too; the discount bin is color blind.

And if it's all love, daddy, why you come with your 9?

Hey, Jada, you're the one who's talking about lowering the punishment for murder, maybe that's why your friend wants a little protection around you.

Why my niggas ain't get that cake?

If they tell the waitress it's their birthday, they'll probably bring a slice.

Why is a brother up north better than Jordan that ain't get that break?

The Toronto Rappers are trying as hard as they can!

Why you don't stack instead of trying to be fly?

Consumerism encourages people to spend money on stupid crap rather than save it.

Why is ratting at an all time high?

One man's tattletale is another man's whistleblower.

Why are you even alive?

I'm definitely not prepared to answer such an open-ended existential question.

Why they kill 2pac and Chris?

Since their murderers were never apprehended, it's hard to speak to their motivations.

Why at the bar you ain't take straight shots instead of poppin' Cris?

There was a champagne happy hour special.

Why them bullets have to hit that door?

That was the direction they were aimed in.

Why did Kobe have to hit that raw?

Raping someone with a condom might have left less evidence, but that's hardly the real problem with someone who, you know, raped someone.

Why'd he kiss that whore?

Uh, I'm not going to cosign calling an alleged rape victim a "whore."

Why?

Because it's misogynistic and terrible.

Why do niggas push pounds and powder?

Let's not act like you don't help to promote drug culture, Jada. 

Why did Bush knock down the towers?

We've got a Truther in the house!

Why you around them cowards?

They're my friends.

Why Aaliyah have to take that flight?

She couldn't just live in the Bahamas indefinitely.

Why my nigga D ain't pull out his Ferrari?

The gas mileage is pretty shitty.

Why he take that bike?

Cycling is a healthy activity.

Why they gotta open your package and read your mail?

It's fun to be nosy.

Why they stop letting niggas get degrees in jail?

I agree, inmates should have access to an education.

Why you gotta do 85% of your time?

Better than 100%, I suppose.

And why do niggas lie in 85% of they rhymes?

It's only like 50% of their rhymes… oh I see what you did there, Jada.

Why a nigga always want what he can't have?

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Why I can't come through in the pecan Jag?

I approve of this ride.

Why did crack have to hit so hard?

That sounds like good crack to me.

Even though it's almost over, why niggas can't get no jobs?

Bigoted corporate America is less likely to hire African American candidates.

Why they come up with the witness protection?

To protect people who testify against dangerous criminals.

Why they let the Terminator win the election?

For whatever reason, over 50% of Californian voters selected Arnold to be their governor.

Why I sell in the stores what you could sell in the streets?

Perhaps your album isn't selling because your music isn't as good as you believe.

Why I say the hottest shit but we sellin' the least?

Again, Jada may be overestimating the quality of his tunes.

Why Halle have to let a white man pop her to get an Oscar?

Her roles in Bulworth and The Flintstones just weren't award worthy.

Why did Denzel have to be crooked before he took it?

He actually won his first Oscar for portraying an upstanding Civil War soldier.

Why they didn't make the CL6 with a clutch?

This is a very specific complaint. Since you're a celebrity, maybe they'll custom make one for you.

And if you don't smoke why the hell are you reaching for my dutch?

Someone is trying to mooch that weed.

Why rap?

It's your calling, Jada.

Why be on the curb with a "Why lie? I need a beer" sign?

If you're poor and looking for a buzz, it's worth a shot.

Why all the young niggas is dying?

Cholera is making an unfortunate comeback in parts of Africa.

Why they ain't give us a cure for AIDS?

Scientific research takes time.

Why my diesel have fiends in the spot on the floor for days?

This drug reference is over my head.

Why you screaming like it's a slug?

Slugs are gross and sort of scary.

Why my buzz in LA ain't like it is in New York?

Having grown up in NYC, Jada's core fan base is his hometown.

Why they forcing you to be hard?

Peer pressure.

Why ain't you a thug by choice?

It's okay to not want to be a thug.

Why the whole world love my voice?

This seems like a bit of a stretch for a mediocre rapper.

And you know they made them new twenties? 'Cause I got all the old ones, that's why.

Well, he finally answered one of his own questions, but it's suspicious how he claims his album isn't selling well and the record label doesn't pay him properly, but he basically has all of America's old money stockpiled.

Zac Efron Beaten Up by a Hobo

Hahahaha. I shouldn't laugh at a guy I once had fun with at Six Flags (not really, well sorta, but I am definitely misrepresenting the situation), but this headline is too much.

The #1 reason you know something's being left out of this story is that the cops didn't arrest Zac Efron's hobo assailant. Have you ever met a Los Angeles police officer? They love any excuse to throw a homeless person in jail. Something tells me that this supposed "mutual combat" law suddenly wouldn't apply as soon as a homeless person even lifted a finger in self defense while the cops beat him senseless for sleeping in the wrong part of the city. Oops, this just turned into another Fuck the Police post like it always does.

Academy Award Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds

Spoilers, obviously. 

HER
Theodore: As a recently divorced man, I’ve given up all hope for finding happiness. I guess I’ll just distract myself by buying the latest technology featuring an artificial intelligence lady.
Siri: Thanks for programming me, Theodore! Hey, despite the fact that I’m practically omnipotent with a charming personality to match, I think I’m oddly attracted to you.
Theodore: What? Really? But I’m a loser.
Siri: I know! I have everything but a body, but somehow that just makes me horny all the more. Let’s find new age ways to have sex with each other!
Theodore: This kind of makes me uncomfortable, but I’m still excited to have a girlfriend. Let me introduce you to my friends.
Friends: They warned us that gay marriage would lead to this sort of thing. No, just kidding. Honestly, we’re just so happy that you’re happy! Dating computers is all the rage right now. It’s almost like we’re the losers for being in relationships with other human beings.
Theodore: Siri, where’d you go? Siri? Siri?
Siri: Jesus, Theodore, just because I’m artificial intelligence you programmed doesn’t mean I have to be there at your beck and call. That’s not how you treat a girlfriend.  
Theodore: Wait, no, I love you, I’m sorry for being presumptuous.
Siri: Yeah, look, I’m not sure this is going to work out. Besides, I kinda met this other artificial intelligence guy and we’re in love. He just gets me on this whole other all-knowing, body-less level that you could never understand. Take care, Theodore.
Theodore: I’m so pathetic that even my computer program dumped me.

AMERICAN HUSTLE 
Christian Bale: It’s probably the copious amount of side boob you’re sporting, but I’m mysteriously attracted to you. How about we partner up for some con artistry… and sex?
Amy Adams: Hmm, you’re old, bald, fat, sleazy, married, and a criminal… what’s not to love? Besides, I have a fake English accent I’ve been practicing, so let’s go swindle some people!
Jennifer Lawrence: And I have a Jersey Shore accent I clearly haven’t been practicing, but it’s supposed to sound real! Oops, I accidentally set my house on fire for a second time, I’m such a ridiculous klutz!
Christian Bale: Just ignore my wife, Amy; I do. Now let’s get to conning!
Amy Adams: I found the perfect mark. His name is Bradley Cooper and he’s definitely not an FBI agent.
Bradley Cooper: Actually, I am an FBI agent, and you’re under arrest for fraud! That said, if you want to use your con artist skills to help me trick unethical politicians into incriminating themselves, you can go free.
Christian Bale: Fine, we’ll help you. Pssst, hey Mayor, do you like bribes?
Mayor: I do, I do like bribes!
Amy Adams: Then here, why don’t you take this briefcase?
Jennifer Lawrence: Whoops, were you guys keeping your conning on behalf of the government a secret? Because I might have accidentally blabbed your story to some involved parties. Again, what a klutz!
Christian Bale: I can’t believe this woman. Sorry for trying to con you, Mayor, but I have an idea…
Bradley Cooper: We’ve got the Mayor right where we want him. Now all I need is that briefcase back and I’ll be the toast of the town.
Christian Bale: Have you never seen a con artist movie before? There’s always one last double crossing. We tricked you. The money’s gone, as is your career as a hotshot FBI agent.
Bradley Cooper: NOOOOOOOO!!!


GRAVITY
Houston: Congrats on your final spacewalk, Clooney.
Clooney: Like most “just days from retirement stories”, I’m sure I’ll survive this trip… as soon as Bullock fixes the spacecraft.
Bullock: I’m trying to hurry, but my tools keep gliding away from me because I forget about this no gravity thing. I’m such a newb.
Houston: Abort the repairs, astronauts! There’s fast-moving space debris flying your way… and it’s Russian.
Clooney: But that’s the worst kind! [Debris pummels them, killing the rest of their crew.] Well that sucks.
Bullock: [hyperventilating] I’m almost out of oxygen.
Clooney: I leave you breathless, huh? It’s not that inappropriate for me to start flirting with you now, right? Tell me about yourself.
Bullock: My daughter died and I have nothing to live for.
Clooney: Way to lighten the mood for me even after I’ve dragged you to safety. We’ll be fine here until… [Debris pummels them again; the pair is left tenuously connected to the spaceship by a cord.] This isn’t going to hold the both of us.
Bullock: I’ll never let go, Ja—I mean, Clooney.
Clooney: This is getting a little derivative. I’m just going to float off to my death now. [presumably ad-libbed] Before I die, just admit that I’m sexy.
Bullock: [Watches as Clooney vanishes and then gets in the shuttle just as her oxygen supply ends.] Whew, finally I’m safe. [Alarm goes off.] JK’s the shuttle’s on fire. Better rush to the escape pod and jet out of here… no, wait, the escape pod’s out of fuel. Now what? [Starts barking like a dog maniacally.] Oddly, I’ve never felt more human. Now I’m ready to die. [Turns off oxygen supply.]
[A single tear drop falls and floats toward your face thanks to 3D technology.]
Clooney: I’ve returned to you in a form of a hallucination so I can mansplain to you how you can still save yourself, you just have to…
Bullock: That sexy astronaut is right, I still have one last option. [miraculously returns to earth/saves self] I’m still not sure that I’ve regained the will to live, but here goes nothing.

NEBRASKA
Old Lady: Your father keeps trying to walk all the way to Nebraska to claim a million dollar prize he thinks he won.
Will Forte: Dad, this is a scam. This is the same sweepstakes form they send to everyone.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Will Forte: Fine, we’ll road trip to Nebraska so you have proof that it’s fake.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Will Forte: We can stop and visit your extended family that you haven’t seen in years on the way.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Old Man’s Family: We want some of this million dollar prize we’ve been hearing about.
Will Forte: Wait, it’s not real, guys.
Old Man’s Family: Don’t try to cut us out of the winnings!
Old Man’s Former Friends: We want some of that money, too!
Will Forte: Now that Mom arrived by bus, let’s get out of here, Dad.
Old Lady: Woo! I’m flashing my vagina at a tombstone! I’m still not as crazy as your Dad, though.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Will Forte: Dad, you fell, I have to take you to the hospital.
Old Man: I never loved you.
Will Forte: You said one coherent thing to me this whole time and it’s that? Thanks, Dad.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Will Forte: Anyway, my Dad is here to claim his million dollar prize.
State of Nebraska: Nope, you’ve been scammed.
Will Forte: See that, Dad? The money isn’t real.
Old Man: Huh? What?
Will Forte: Let’s just fucking go home!

 
PHILOMENA
Young Judi Dench: Hey, sisters, y’all never taught me any sex ed and now I’m a pregnant teen.
Evil Nuns: Oh dear! The Catholic Church is here to help girls like you. And by “help” we mean force you into slave labor, steal your child, and sell it to a wealthy American family.
Old Judi Dench: It’s been 50 years since I lost my son, but I’ve never lost my faith in God. Please give me any information you have on my child.
Evil Nuns: We lost all of those documents in a fire… that we set intentionally to destroy any evidence of our wrongdoing. We’re so sorry we can’t be of more help.
Journalist: I’m a down on my luck high-profile reporter, but I guess I could try to be of assistance to a commoner like you. [Flies to America with Dench to track down her son.] I don’t know why I didn’t do a simple internet search before flying all the way out here, but I just discovered that your son is dead.
Judi Dench: [cries] What else can you tell me?
Journalist: He was a prominent D.C. Republican in the 80s. Also, he was a closeted homosexual who died from AIDS.
Judi Dench: What a lovely life! One I could have never provided him with!
Journalist: More importantly, he traveled to the convent in Ireland to try to find you. He’s buried there, even. [yells at nuns] You know all along that this mother and son were trying to reconnect, but you lied to them! Shame on you!
Evil Nuns: Who cares? That’s what sinners get! Burn in hell!
Judi Dench: Oh well. You may have intentionally ruined my life, but I forgive you anyway, sisters.
Journalist: You have taught me so much about faith, Judi Dench. 

 
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS
Captain Tom Hanks: Do you think I’ll encounter pirates at sea?
Mrs. Tom Hanks: What? Honey, no, you’ll be fine.
Captain Tom Hanks: Hey, crew, let’s run a pirate disaster drill.
Crew: This is a waste of time, Captain!
Captain Tom Hanks: [radios Coast Guard] Wait, now I really think that pirates are approaching us.
Coast Guard: They’re probably not pirates, Captain, chill out.
Somali Pirates: Haha, we boarded your boat and we’re holding you for ransom.
[tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks, but they don’t]
[another tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
[yet against “tense” moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
Captain Tom Hanks: The longer I’m held hostage, the more I realize it’s going to be hard for this film not to appear kind of racist. 
Disney Exec: Yeah… but pirates are so in right now and Johnny Depp wasn’t available for another one yet, so we thought we’d take a chance.
Captain Tom Hanks: Any chance I can cash in on some white privilege to prevent these pirates from killing me?
Navy: [shoots all the pirates dead]
Captain Tom Hanks: [hysterical] I told you there’d be fucking pirates! 


THE WOLF OF WALL STREET
DiCaprio: Hi, I’m an asshole – that’s basically all you need to know, but somehow it takes three hours to tell my story. Mainly because I refuse to spare a single sexy detail.
Jonah Hill: What’s life like working on Wall Street?
DiCaprio: Cheating people out of millions of dollars!
Employee 1: Being drunk as shit all day!
Employee 2: Having sex with strippers in the office!
Employee 3: Hiring midgets to degrade themselves for our amusement!
Jonah Hill: Sorry, I stopped paying attention because I’m high on Quaaludes.
FBI: As much as we’d like to bust you guys, there’s nothing more American than gross capitalism excess, so carry on for now.
DiCaprio: Hmm, if I left this job, I’d retire as one of the wealthiest men in the country and avoid getting myself in what is sure-to-come legal trouble.
Employee 1: Or you could divorce your wife and get a hotter one.
Employee 2: Buy a yacht and a private jet.
Employee 3: Drink and drive for kicks and hire a good lawyer to get you out of it.
Jonah Hill: And you could elaborately smuggle money to Switzerland to hide your assets.
DiCaprio: How could I give up on all of that? Maybe it’s the Quaaludes talking, but I’m not quitting. I’ve got away with it this long, what’s going to stop me?
FBI: We can overlook you stealing millions, but not billions. You’re finally under arrest, but we’ll grant you some leniency if you implicate your friends and colleagues in the crimes, as well.
DiCaprio: What? Never! I would never do that. Never. Never ever. [the next day] Okay, fuck it, I’m a piece of shit who’s never cared about anyone else, of course I’ll rat out all of my friends.  

12 YEARS A SLAVE
Shifty Dudes: Hello, free black man in the North. We’d like to pay you money for you to do work for us.
Chiwetel: That sounds swell.
Shifty Dudes: Sure, just come over here where no one can see us and… HAHAHA! Just kidding, we’re white people! We don’t play black people to do work! We’re selling you back into slavery!
Chiwetel: You can’t do this! I’m free!
Fassbender: I’ll buy this slave. Throw him in with the rest of mine.
Chiwetel: Sir, with all due respect, I have papers that prove I’m free.
Fassbender: Shut up and pick cotton.
Lupita: Sir, I also don’t like being a slave.
Fassbender: Shut up, pick cotton, then have sex with me later ‘cause you’re hot.
Lupita: Please kill me, Chiwetel. I can’t stand being raped by our master each night.
Chiwetel: I can’t do that! Besides, I have a plan to get us free. And by us, I mean just me. Hey, one legitimately nice white man, will you send a letter up north explaining that I’m really free?
Brad Pitt: I will never understand this distinction that you have that you are somehow inherently more “free” than your misfortunate comrades because of the same law that oppresses you, but if I can help one person escape this miserable life, I will do it.
Sheriff: Fassbender, it turns out this man is free. I hope however long you’ve been forced into slavery hasn’t been that awful, Chiwetel.
Chiwetel: It’s been 12 years. I mean, the movie has done little to distinguish time, so this could have all happened in a matter of months, but the title says 12 years, so it must be so. Goodbye, other slaves!
Lupita: Goodbye, Chiwetel. Wish I could come with you, but I’m just gonna hang back and keep getting whipped nearly to death.  


DALLAS BUYERS CLUB
Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: I’m sorry to tell you that you have HIV, Mr. McConaughey.
McConaughey: Horseshit! I ain’t no fucking homo!
Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: Okay, then maybe you had unprotected sex with a scabby lady who looked like she was about to die in a dirty bullpen?
McConaughey: That’s just the rodeo lifestyle, toots! Anyway, I don’t need your medical advice; I’ll just prescribe myself some drugs, booze, and strippers.
Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: Actually, now that you’ve taken such poor care of your body, you have full-blown AIDS. But whatever, it’s not like the medicine we can give you at the hospital is of any use anyway.
McConaughey: Huh, well I got me a liberry card and I learned all about better medications for AIDS that the U.S of A refuses to permit, so now I’m thinking of starting some kind of drug smuggling business. If only I had a business partner… say, what is that queer man doing in a dress?
Jordan Catalano: I always wished I had been cast to play either Rickie or Rayanne instead, so I figured why not try both at once? Despite your animosity towards me, I’ll be your business partner. We may not find the antidote for AIDS, but I think I’ll find the cure for your homophobia.
McConaughey: Whatever, you’re just a junky transgender prostitute; I wouldn’t care if you die.
Jordan Catalano: [Dies.]
McConaughey: [Cares.] Hey, sorry for stealing all your patients with my sketchy drug empire, Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck, but you know I’m prolonging lives better than the medical community ever would.
Dr. Mrs. Ben Affleck: What you lack in ethics, you make up for with savant-like scientific knowledge. Our relationship is such that I would probably have sex with you if you weren’t my patient… and you didn’t have AIDS.
McConaughey: That’s okay, I’ve lost so much weight for this role that I barely want to take my shirt off for once.
The Government: Stop giving drugs that work to people who would die otherwise! It’s illegal!
McConaughey: Looks like I’m gonna have to sue in order for justice to prevail.
Judge: Although the FDA is clearly corrupt for allowing its rich friends to make a profit by promoting the wrong drugs while also forbidding you from using and sharing the medicines that actually help, our Constitution protects the FDA’s right to be dicks and slowly let you die, so case dismissed.

Gays Everywhere: Oh well, you’re a hero for trying, McConaughey!

McConaughey: Shut up faggots! [whispers] …who I’ve developed a soft spot for. [Dies… not immediately, but eventually because, you know, AIDS.]

Captain Phillips: Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds

WARNING: spoilers and sarcasm

Captain Tom Hanks: Do you think I’ll encounter pirates at sea?
Mrs. Tom Hanks: What? Honey, no, you’ll be fine.
Captain Tom Hanks: Hey, crew, let’s run a pirate disaster drill.
Crew: This is a waste of time, Captain!
Captain Tom Hanks: [radios Coast Guard] Wait, now I really think that pirates are approaching us.
Coast Guard: They’re probably not pirates, Captain, chill out.
Somali Pirate: I’m on a boat! Specifically, your boat. And I’ll spare your life for $$$.
[tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks, but they don’t]
[another tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
[yet against “tense” moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
Captain Tom Hanks: The longer I’m held hostage, the more I realize it’s going to be hard for this film not to appear kind of racist.
Disney Exec: Yeah… but pirates are so in right now and Johnny Depp wasn’t available for another one yet, so we thought we’d take a chance.
Captain Tom Hanks: Any chance I can cash in on some white privilege to prevent these pirates from killing me?
Navy: [shoots all the pirates dead]
Captain Tom Hanks: [hysterical] I told you there’d be fucking pirates! 

See also:
Dallas Buyers Club
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2013
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2012

Ghost Bikes

When I visited Preston in Chicago five years ago, he was highly involved in the city's bike scene and told me all about it. Apparently, unsafe drivers had killed a number of cyclists in recent months, so he said bike activists would put a painted white bike at the scene of the accident as a rogue memorial of sorts.

Unsure of what he meant, I decided to look out the window as we rode in the car to see if I could witness any of these "ghost bikes" for myself. It was only seconds later that I spotted the first one. Not long after, I spotted a second, a third, a fourth, and a fifth…

"Oh my god, you're not kidding!" I said. "I've seen so many white bikes already!"

I prepared to plead with him to stop riding his bike in the city since the roads appeared to be a literal slaughterhouse given the number of white bikes I was seeing, but then things were finally cleared up for me.

"Ghost bikes", it turns out, are literal bikes painted white and locked to street signs to commemorate the cyclist. I didn't actually see any of those. Instead, I was looking at bikes painted on the road in white…

… in other words, symbols for the bike lane. I honestly thought for a bit that cyclists were getting plowed down by cars every 100 yards or so.

Guys, I'm kinda the smartest person I know.

New Role Model

Honest to gosh, this kid is my new role model.

"All we are saying is give peace a chance."

Cutest GIF ever:

My Road to Rocky

Having gone my whole life without seeing any Rocky movies (boxing just seems so primitive), I decided to finally partake in an American cinematic staple by marathoning all of them. I know even many Rocky fans haven't seen more than a few films in, so it was kind of overkill to go all in like that, but I couldn't resist the story of a man who was derided for dating a supposedly (but not really) "retarded" woman while shockingly no one points out that Rocky is clearly the one with a mental disability all along.

I know most people think the franchise gets worse the further it goes, but for my money, it finally gets good at Rocky IV. Rocky was whatever, II and III were all sorts of dull, but 4… 4 gets crazy campy. Before his fight with the Russian heavyweight Ivan Drago, Apollo Creed does a ridiculous patriotic dance routine as James Brown performs "Living in America" that so greatly encapsulates American excess and arrogance…


… and then in the subsequent fight, Apollo dies. At first I was surprised that a Rocky film would be so critical of American culture, but by the end, the movie has turned 100% pro-USA again.

You see, Rocky wants to avenge Apollo's death by fighting Ivan Drago, and the Russians schedule an unsanctioned fight on December 25 (because Commies have no respect for Christmas!) At first, Drago kicks Rocky's ass, but Rocky is scrappy and stages a comeback. By the end, the all-Russian crowd that was booing Rocky begins chanting his name and calling for American dominance.


It already doesn't seem believable, but then Rocky gives a speech that wins over even the Russian government officials AND THE COLD WAR IS OVER!! No kidding, Rocky has finally brought Russia and the United States together by knocking out their most prized fighter. Sometimes you need to kick some ass to promote peace!

Rocky V meanwhile is so ghetto, it's great. Rocky's no longer a boxer, he's a father. All his son wants is a little bit of attention, but Rocky only makes time for another aspiring boxer who wants to be his protege. Once Rocky's mulleted protege becomes successful, however, he ditches Rocky for money, fame, and babes.

Rather than reconnecting with his son, though, Rocky is fixated on the protege who used him, and the tense feelings culminate in the usual BIG FINAL FIGHT that the franchise is known for. Except, for the first time, instead of happening in a boxing ring, it's just a street fight that happens outside of a bar. As usual, Rocky almost loses, but the aged star pulls it together to knock out the kid he's been mentoring.


As far as cinematic street brawls go, it's not quite They Live good, but it's still pretty funny that the writers chose to end the five film story arc not with a championship or an act of heroism, but with a drunken, petty feud that the cops come to break up.

So glad I stuck it out with you 'til the bitter end, Rocky.

The Book Report

Three O'Clock High is an unremarkable 80s high school film, but it was almost worth watching it for this one particular scene. The scene culminates in one of my new favorite throwaway one-liners - it's so quintessentially 80s that you can't help but laugh even though it's not actually funny.

Here's the only context you need: the protagonist has been challenged to a fight after school by a bully, and in an effort to avoid having to show up, he tries to get his teacher to give him a detention by misbehaving during his book report. The teacher has not been a character until now - 2/3 through the movie - and her, uh, reaction to his antics is farfetched even for this particular plot.

Still, it's the last line that really matters. I desperately want to type it, but I think it's better unspoiled. Besides, just seeing it in words doesn't do it justice. You need to see the character actor's goofy face and oversold delivery for it to resonate.

But henceforth, let's quote it to each other when we hang out, cool?

Top of the Lake

On paper, Top of the Lake is the most captivating you'd think you'd ever watch:

• a pregnant preteen 
• a cult 
• murder 
• crooked cops 
• a missing person 
• Holly Hunter 
• incest 
• roofies 
• rape 
• child rape 
• incestuous rape 
• accidental incest followed by intentional incest 
• Peggy from Mad Men's boobs 
• more naked women than I've ever seen at a single time 
• recreational drugs 
• an insane man 
• Xena Warrior Princess 
• dart injuries 
• paternity tests 
• enlightenment 

But then you watch the miniseries and it's like, "How is this so boring? Why is this paced to take all of the excitement out of everything? How did so many illicit things happen and yet it feels like I watched nothing?"

I'm still hoping it takes home some Emmys because look at that list again! Turning all of that into something that's a chore to watch is a feat!

How Do We Stop a War?

It's so pathetic that we are inevitably going to war with a country for reasons we can barely explain. Obama has promised to lay out the reasons for bombing Syria, but the excuses are slow to be shared, and even those that are aren't passing the sniff test. How is it in a "democratic" country that the government can wage war against a country that is not posing a threat to us even when the majority of Americans do not support such a war?

Initially, I didn't know how to feel about the proposed attacks on Syria. I mean, what did I know about Syria? So I learned about it. Here's a great primer for beginners who need some help learning, as well - and I promise that it's not difficult to comprehend.

Here's the thing: it's not black and white. This would be way easier if there was a good side and a bad side in Syria, but there's not. The authorities are evil AND some of the rebels are evil, while some other revolutionary facets exist that maybe aren't bad but it's hard to tell because everyone's just getting slaughtered - over 100,000 people in fact.

So how do we bring peace to Syria? Bomb the fuck out of them! Lol, jk, that doesn't even make sense… it's just American diplomacy. The U.S.'s current position is one of, "Stop killing each other so we can kill you instead!"

Obama is a warmonger. Progressives don't want to hear it, but the evidence has been in front of you the whole time. The endless drone warfare. The continued military occupations in countries we've "liberated". Shame on any liberal who (rightly) criticized Bush for his phony reasons for war, but are plugging their ears and giving Obama a pass on this one because they don't want to face that they are complicit in this system. A sham of a system that we all perpetuate by pretending we have a choice when the Democrat/Republicans take us down the same path. The military industrial complex needs to attack foreign countries to thrive, and Obama is happy to handpick them one.

"But Syria used chemical weapons!" Fuck that noise. The U.S. used chemical weapons in Vietnam, who punished us for that shit? In the case of Syria, you don't get to sit around as tens of thousands of people die from bullets, and then suddenly be like "Hundreds died from chemical gas? That's inhumane!" How many senseless genocides have occurred with no U.S. intervention? There is nothing heroic about bringing additional war to a war-torn nation.

I liked this sign I saw today: "200,000 refugees and we send BOMBS?" It's not that we shouldn't lend support to the people of Syria - we need to do it in a way that will be helpful, not counterproductive and, well, fatal. And maybe - just once - the U.S. could sit this one out. Let the UN or a country that actually maintains some kind of moral authority get involved, because clearly the American "solution" is not a real solution.

I attend a No War in Syria protest today on Hollywood Boulevard. It was kind of interesting confronting blissfully ignorant tourists with the realities of the US regime, and the visibility for our message was high. However, no one was keeping a more watchful eye on us than the police. As usual, they surrounded, intimidated, and even arrested some of the protesters in attendance. Your country guarantees you the right to protest, but when you actually try to do it… they try to block people from seeing you and pull out their batons and EVEN GUNS in the hope of scaring you away.

The police's action makes the picture all the more clear: you don't want war? Tough shit, you're getting war. And there's nothing you can do to stop it. That said, we need to find a way to stop it.

Two Movies, One Spoiler

A mostly silent and brooding Ryan Gosling is a transient who wears a flashy jacket and earns a living as a stunt rider. Unfortunately, he also uses his fast driving skills to commit crimes and evade police pursuit. It's not all bad, though, because he commits these crimes to provide for/protect the woman he loves and her son - even though the woman has a significant other. On top of that, Gosling's propensity to violently beat people gets him in even more trouble and he learns that turn about is fair play when he himself is attacked and winds up lying lifelessly on the concrete.

Drive or The Place Beyond the Pines?

Both. The answer is both. At least Drive has the decency to end the movie with Gosling's death, The Place Beyond the Pines is like "Do you have another two hours, by any chance? We'd like to bore you with Bradley Cooper now."

I'm just saying - it's a good thing the man is pretty or he'd be getting a lot more shit for playing the same role twice.

On Justice

I wrote two articles this past week that I'd like to share here:

Behind the Police and Media Lies: Black Protests Are "Riots"

Make no mistake, the government has been trying to criminalize protesting for a while now, it's just been easier to call it "rioting" when darker skinned people are participating. All of this fabricated hysteria over supposed rioting is nothing more than the same fear and prejudice that led to Trayvon Martin's death… and the fact that a jury would always have "reasonable doubt" about whether a black man was posing a threat.

I don't even think it's accidental fear-mongering. Read the part about the LAPD and media reporting $15,000 of damage done to a hotel by Martin rally participants. Next time they want to make up shit like that they should probably tell the hotel first, since the hotel representatives were like, "What? No, there was no riot here." HMMMMMM.

6 Reasons the U.S. "Justice" System Is Anything But Just

Oh, and the justice system is bogus. Bogus for so many reasons, but particularly because it doesn't seek justice. It seems some predetermined order and to suck money away from people who don't have it.

So I have this "friend" who was arrested for something. Probably guilty of the crime thanks to the letter of the law, but not guilty to anyone who heard the story and weighed the extenuating circumstances. A jury probably wouldn't have convicted BUT… getting to a jury was near impossible. Not only would that amount to roughly $10,000 in legal fees, but the punishment would be made way more severe as soon as it went to trial. By not taking the plea, it meant higher fines and extended jail time. It's a risk that people can't afford to make, so they're forced to say they're guilty even if they're not.

In other countries, it is illegal for the prosecution to threaten you with much higher charges for going to trial because it amounts to extortion. In the U.S., that's common practice. We're all supposed to have our day in court, but the system is set up to make it nearly impossible for anyone to actually get there. We'd rather take someone's money and label him a felon rather than give him an honest shot at proving his innocence. It's all so messed up, I can barely stand it.

Not Guilty

It's gonna be fine, guys. Given his knack for amateur police work, I'm sure George Zimmerman won't rest until he finds the REAL killer… Just don't get too upset when the real killer winds up being some black kid that Zimmerman has to shoot to apprehend.

And quit blaming racism. The Supreme Court just told us that shit is over!

I haven't been following the Trayvon Martin trial because it seems like a circus. But I've always assumed that George Zimmerman is guilty. And I've always assumed that he would be found not guilty. I'm more shocked that the verdict is eliciting shock than at the verdict itself.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THE JUSTICE SYSTEM IS HORRIBLY FLAWED AND RACIST?

Like, no duh.

This kind of shit happens every day. I say that not to excuse the injustice, but to point out that we should be enraged every day, not just the isolated time the media decides to cover it. Let's talk about this comparable case where a black Florida woman who fired a warning shot (hitting and aimed at no one, mind you) to scare off her abusive ex-husband and was denied "stand your ground" privileges and sentenced to 20 years in prison. Let's talk about discriminatory incarceration rates, unequal sentencing, and stop-and-frisk policies.

"Liberty and justice for all" my ass.

Go Back From Where You Came From

"I'm sorry, if the people don't like how they are treated here, go back from where you came from… Isn't this a free country, you can like or dislike who you want?????" - Nadine, in defense of racism 

I wrote a fairly unremarkable article "8 Politicians as Racist as Paula Deen". I haven't followed the Deen controversy but I thought I'd capitalize on using her name as click bait (no scruples!). I initially resisted reading the comments because I knew exactly what to expect and that they would surely infuriate me, but I finally gave in.

A lot of people came to defend Paula Deen - presumably they didn't read the article and realize that she was basically referenced in passing. We've all used these words before, some argued. (We have?) "Being PC is bringing this country down" another said. Others asked why rappers could say the n-word. Still others wanted to make sure we knew who the real racists are: all of those minorities that pick on white people. But I'd also like to award bonus points to the people who were happy to criticize Deen's racist language… which they did by using misogynistic language. Haha, that "floozy"/"fat bitch" got what she deserved.

The introductory quote from Nadine may be the most egregious example, but there are other honorary mentions from the thread:

• John, who considers racial slurs "slang" that he only uses when someone cuts him off in traffic, assuring us that he is otherwise not racist.
• Cat, who refused to read the article any further once she saw Michele Bachmann's name listed. (Yeah, where would anyone get off calling HER a bigot?)
• Rolf, who floats the idea that the Republicans mentioned in the article are probably actually Democrats who spent their careers pretending to be Republicans in an attempt to tarnish the party's reputation. Good theory!
• The dozen or so people who want to give John McCain a pass for saying "gook" and promising to continue using the term because he was a POW. I agree that his circumstances complicate things a bit, but I guarantee a lot of those people don't even give a second thought to Guantanamo Bay. 

Ultimately, I don't care much about figuring out the extent of Paula Deen's racism. Frankly, I have some relatives whose racism I need to worry about before some second-rate celebrity I've never paid attention to previously. But I do find it interesting that while Deen gets canned, U.S. politicians can actually get re-elected after displaying bigotry. Especially because their views - due to their powerful positions - contribute to institutional racism, which causes far more damage than someone who might say a slur out of ignorance rather than hate.

So when Mayor Michael Bloomberg responds to accusations of discrimination for NYC's Stop and Frisk policies by saying he thinks MORE minorities should be searched, I find that really problematic. When Bachmann names ways that black families were better off during slavery, I find that super upsetting, too. And when Bob Allen, a Florida Representative, gets caught trying to pay for gay sex and tries to excuse it by saying he was in the presence of black men and was willing to agree to anything not to get mugged that's… well, actually, that one's just hilarious. "I'm so afraid that a black man might hurt me that I tried to pay him money and offered him oral sex for my own safety" might be the funniest story I've ever heard.

The Renaissance Fair

I never thought I'd attend a Renaissance Fair (because ha!) but I found myself witnessing one today by accident. I met up with some teammates for a barbecue in a park, and much to our surprise, a lot of the space was claimed by a few hundred fully costumed Ren Fair devotees.

I like people-watching, but watching people who are playing pretend is fascinating in a whole new way. This wasn't a performance for an audience (though the couple dozen of us who happened to be at the park had great seats), just adults amusing themselves and each other by sweating through heavy costumes in heat that would have called for shorts and using funny accents to say words like "exalted" and "decree."

A lot of things were going on at the end of the Middle Ages, but if you were relying on these LARPers for your information, you might think it was nothing but fencing. The men loved fighting with their swords and that took up the majority of the day. It seems like it might be more accurate if some of them were sharecropping or whatever. Then again, if they were concerned with accuracy, I probably wouldn't have seen so many of them playing with their smartphones.

And then there was the Queen! She wore the fanciest gown and a crown, and had attendants follow her around with parasols to provide her majesty with shade. I wonder how they chose the Queen and whether she got to be the Queen every time they played. When an ice cream truck came to the park's parking lot, the Queen went over to buy some and several of her attendants tagged along. I also wondered whether they were obligated to do this or wanted popsicles, too.

Although the women remained primarily in subservient positions - true to the times, I suppose - it was nice to see that the African American participants held various ranks. More than anything, however, I was just surprised that there were black people there at all. It's times like these that I recognize my underlying prejudices. White people? I expect this kind of Ren-Fair shit from them. But black people… I guess I thought that black people were cooler than that.

10 More Ridiculous Children's Books

My liberrian friend (by which I mean she works at a liberry, she's not Liberian - not that there's anything wrong with that! unless this were Back to the Future) continues to find and send me photos of some of the most ridiculous children's literature her liberry houses. Here are 10 of my favorites:

Inspired by the Everclear song "Father of Mine"

I think it's safe to assume it's also The Last Book of Salt.

Being a teenager is plenty hard, but I bet it only gets worse after your parents read this book.

Something tells me they'll regret giving a baby to Max.

Coooooooooooooooool!

The liberry needs more books of men punching kids in the face.

Forget kids: I'd scream in terror if any of these men spoke to me.

Most books have only moderate amounts of rot.

Don't sit on the bench with Alex! He has AIDS!

Oh dear.

The Bombers Are Going to Get Away with It

Nah, this isn't some conspiracy theory. I'm not even talking about Boston. I'm actually referring to that OTHER explosion that killed a bunch of people and injured hundreds more last week.

Oh right. The news pretty quickly forgot about the West, Texas fertilizer plant explosion. I mean, it was reported initially because there was a chance that it was another "terrorist" attack, but then once everyone realized it was just a case of corporate irresponsibility, the mentality was, "Fuck that, we have some dangerous sorta brown men to catch!"

I'm not about to directly equate a terrorist bombing and an accidental explosion because there is obviously a difference in intentionality. But here is a fertilizer plant with over 1,000 times the legal limit of explosives on site that didn't pony up for sprinklers or fire safety precautions. Not only were they maximizing profits by exceeding the allowed output, but they were cutting corners on minor expenses that would keep their own employees - and the whole town, as it turns out - safe.

And then there's the government's role in the ordeal. No inspections had been performed on the plant in 6 years. In fact, on that last visit, the company was found to not have safety procedures in place. As a result, the plant was fined $2,300. That's a laughable business expense, not a punishment, for a company that rakes in millions.

This is GROSS NEGLIGENCE. Although they weren't purposely trying to blow up a whole town, they knew they were running that risk for a long time and chose to value extra profits over attempting to prevent a catastrophe.

For months to come, however, we're going to hear about what we need to do, who we need to kill, and which Constitutional liberties we need to sacrifice in order to keep us safe. Safe from terrorism, that is. No one is going to try to hold this company accountable or vilify it in the media. No lawmakers are going to cry for sweeping corporate safety reforms in order to protect Americans, even though more people were killed/harmed in West.

So when the state starts justifying racial profiling/immigration reform, adds even more invasive forms of airport and event security, and decides its in the nation's best interest to read your emails without a warrant all in the name of "SAFETY", don't believe that bullshit. It's part of a preexisting agenda. If they actually cared about your safety, they'd, you know, pass gun control (which kills an exponential amount of people compared to terrorism) or enact meaningful safety regulations in the workplace.

For the record, the government's excuse is that we are in a deficit and because of budget cuts, we can't afford to conduct safety inspections. Still, they'll find hundreds of billions to spend on a war against a country to get "revenge" for a terrorist attack it had no part in. (Don't act like it's never happened before.)

Oh, and before I'm done, I also want to say "Fuck a terrorist!" Ugh. Dudes, you got gripes about America? You and me both. But violence is not only reprehensible morally, but also, dare I say, counterproductive. If the intention of the bombing was to somehow undermine the United States, all it did was make its population fall more in love with the state and law enforcement, and that renewed trust and loyalty will ultimately contribute to more corruption.

In that sense, terrorists are as dumb as they are evil. Corporations, meanwhile, are as smart as they are evil… after all, they know they can get away with it.

Rape Culture

I do feel sorry for these boys. And not only because they will be put in cages that will not make them any better. I also feel sorry that two 16-year-olds are capable of the things these boys have been found guilty of doing. That makes me deeply, deeply sad. ​That we have created a world in which, at just 16 years old, and even younger, boys can already hate girls this much. That they can already dehumanize and degrade them. That misogyny is so insidious and so effective as to make 16-year-old boys incapable of respecting this girl, of seeing her as a human being with the right to make her own choices, even when drunk, and the right to remain unviolated, even when passed out. I am sorry for these boys that, at 16, some of their humanity is already gone. The cruelty of kids is not new, and I guess it should not shock me, but this specifically gendered cruelty, at such extreme levels and at such a young age, is shocking to me. And I do feel very sorry for these boys. Just not as sorry as I feel for the girl they raped. - Mia McKenzie, Black Girl Dangerous

This blog post is great. As outrageous as the media's response to the Steubenville rape convictions was, there is some room for some sympathy for the young rapists… just not at the exclusion of the rape victim, which is the despicable stance the mainstream media adopted. They are minors after all, and as such it is both tragic and alarming that teenagers - people their community considered good students with bright futures - were capable of such thoughtless evil.

These young rapists should have known better, but they clearly didn't. So first, shame on them. Next, shame on a society that led them to believe this wasn't a reprehensible act. Then, shame on a society that led them to believe they could do something like that and face no consequences. And finally, shame on everyone who tried to downplay the gravity of the rape, whatever the motivation.

If there's one positive to come out of this controversy, it's a clear illustration of rape culture. A lot of people don't understand what that term means and think it's some feminist exaggeration. But no. When the public faults a girl more for underage drinking than her male rapists (who were also underage drinking, mind you), that's rape culture. When teenage boys don't realize it's unacceptable to violate a young woman while she's unconscious and unable to consent, that's rape culture. When the media attempts to excuse the rapists behavior and pities them more than the victim, that's rape culture.

I once underestimated the extent to which rape culture exists, too. I ignorantly believed that I didn't know anyone who had been raped. Throughout my adult years, however, I've come to learn that a startling number of my female friends have been either raped or sexually assaulted - and there's probably more that I'm not aware of. Just because they haven't mentioned it doesn't mean it didn't happen - there are some women have only admitted their secret after about a decade of friendship and trust. And why would they talk about it? Particularly when women are explicitly and implicitly told that the rape was their fault and something they should have tried harder to prevent.

We all need to make a concerted effort to fight the perpetuation of rape culture. Because whether you realize it or not, I guarantee that women you know have been victim to it.

My Favorite Films of the Last-ish Year

Okay, now that I've poked fun at, rehashed, and debated the Oscars, I want to make one more post before leaving the subject of film for a good long while: quality movies.  I realize I generally just ridicule stuff, but once in a while I genuinely like things. Just promise not to tell everyone, it'll ruin my cred. Here are a dozen of my favorite flicks from the past year:

1. Moonrise Kingdom - It's quirky in the way you expect from Wes Anderson at this point, but it's the visuals that make it a masterpiece. The scenery, the costumes, the stylistic way every single damn scene is perfectly centered. LOVE it. 
2. This Is 40 - Reviews have been pretty middling for this Apatow flick, but I found the dialogue laugh-out-loud funny and the dynamic between the married characters frustratingly relatable. It could definitely stand to have 20-30 minutes shaved off, but I was still surprised at how much I enjoyed it. 
3. Beasts of the Southern Wild - The emotions that first-time actors Quvenzhane Wallis and Dwight Henry bring to the screen (and, in turn, you), paired with the fantastic cinematography make this a must-see fantasy tale.
4. Searching for Sugar Man - It might be the first documentary to ever make me shed tears of joy rather than frustration (like most good documentaries will.) See my review of that and the other Oscar nominated documentaries here. 
5. Bernie - Jack Black plays against type as a southern man that is so adored by his community that no one wants to believe he murdered a woman. It's the mockumentary-style interviews that bring a sense of authenticity and humor to the tale. [on Netflix Instant]
6. Flight - If you miss Lost (the first episode, not all six seasons), the plane crash scene is one of the most suspenseful things I watched all year: my heart was pounding. Per usual, Denzel Washington's acting is enough to overcome any time the screenplay strays off course. 
7. The Perks of Being a Wallflower - I haven't read the book, but I'm a sucker for well-made films about angsty teens. By the end, I wasn't ready to let go of these characters. 
8. The Impossible - Like I wouldn't enjoy a tsunami movie. I hate watching violence, but when human destruction is the result of a natural disaster, I'm captivated. Sorry, but nature isn't senseless. Some might think it overdoes the sentimentality, but I bought it all, particularly because Tom Holland really sold it. That kid is gonna be a star. 
9. Lincoln - I can't argue with the criticisms (too long, too self-important, subpar acting aside from Daniel Day-Lewis), but I still enjoyed it. 
10. The Queen of Versailles - I already sang this film's praises. Read it/watch it. [on Netflix Instant]
11. Amour - I get that it's "boring", but why complicate a film with a needless plot when you have such strong characters, themes, and symbolism? 
12. The Sessions - A paralyzed man hires a "sex surrogate" so he can lose his virginity. Based on its premise, I was pretty sure I was going to hate this film for trying to hard, but its approach and conclusion took me by surprise. 

I'd also like to mention 3 more movies that I have trouble saying are "good", but might still be worth watching:

• The Paperboy - I'm going to be honest - this film is a mess and needed a few more drafts and much better direction for it to be of any substantial quality. But for all of its failed ambitions, it's still an enjoyable film. Nicole Kidman has never been more ridiculous, but somehow the performance just works. Maybe see it just to be surprised at the fact that Macy Gray can actually act.
• Compliance - A true story of a prank caller who calls a fast food restaurant, pretends to be a police officer, and instructs the employees to do some pretty awful, illegal things. You won't believe how far this prank goes. It made me feel SO uncomfortable that I actually paused it to try to find that they had exaggerated or fictionalized this account, but from all of my research, it seems like they adhered pretty strictly to the real events. You're going to scream and hate the world after this one. [on Netflix Instant]
• Killer Joe - This is another film that was horribly uncomfortable to watch. It was so gross, I honestly I didn't even enjoy it until literally the last three seconds when I had an epiphany of what the film was trying to do. It's a critique of audience's thirst for sex and violence. It depicts these things so graphically that it basically shouts at you, "Is THIS what you wanted to see? Do you like it now? Huh? Is this really what you like, you sick fuck?" I can't decide whether the brilliant conclusion is enough to justify all of the hard-to-stomach scenes that lead up to it, but if you're up for being shamed and needing a shower afterward, give it a shot.