The First Lady

Today, Student Senate met with the freshmen to get them involved in their community and give them Sno-Cones -- guess what the selling point was. On her name tag, Jessica failed to indicate her position on the aesthetics committee, instead noting her role as "First Lady" given that she dates the President. Or as she eloquently explained, "gets with the President." Personally, I think she highlighted the correct thing, as First Lady is a far more important position. Any dolt can win power with a hard-fought election, but someone who's truly intelligent just marries straight into the power. And power it is: we'd probably still be in Vietnam if Pat Nixon hadn't started her "I won't put out until American troops get out" campaign.

A first lady's number one priority is fashion. She should dress sexy, yet classy, and during wartime, maintain a beautiful haircut. She is to promote uncontroversial topics like literacy, mammograms, and random acts of puppies. She must make appearances on "Oprah" and pretend not to be frightened by black people.

Someone asked what the Vice President's spouse is called. Vice First Lady? Second Lady, perhaps? I have no answer for this, as typically I just hear her referred to as "bitch." Regardless, I'm not happy to know that in the case of an assassination of her husband, the First Lady will be replaced by this Second Lady figure. I think it's time to amend the Constitution: let the First Lady stay out her term! The Vice President can upgrade to a more powerful and, let's face it, pretty wife, and his former wife can start a relationship with the Secretary of Transportation or something.