Showing posts with label fashion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fashion. Show all posts
2014-02-03
Too Soon!
This is why I blog. I realize that I shouldn't take pleasure in intentionally baiting people into getting indignant about a Hunger Games pun I made yesterday, but they make it so fun.
As for the joke being "too soon" - of course it's too soon, it's not even worth saying a day later. Plus, I'm a proud member of Team Too Soon, so I take it as a compliment.
Speaking of which, that's another reason I blog. That previously linked post about the Urban Iditarod from 2010 has subsequently provided even more laughs than the event itself thanks to Google's algorithm. A fairly raunchy photo of a friend included that blog entry has been, for quite some time, the #1 google image search for both girl touching dick and girl touching penis.
Realistically, it's not even an accurate description of the photo. If anything, it's the opposite that's occurring: a guy is touching a girl's dick. And by dick, I mean a baby doll's arm. Still, it brings me a lot of satisfaction knowing how disappointed some horny web-searchers must be when they come across that picture instead. (They're going to be disappointed on the whole anyway since other top Google images for those phrases are Carol Brady touching a man's crotch over his pants and Sarah Palin appearing to go down on John McCain thanks to a weird camera angle.)
Should she/we be more embarrassed about this distinction? Maybe! But like my good-humored friend's mom pointed out, she wishes she were #1 on Google for something, so it's really kind of an honor.
And if it's not porn, it's probably not getting searched for at all, truthfully. The #1 search result that leads to my blog is some variation on "porn on hulu". Indeed, I did recount how I accidentally found soft core content on Hulu five years ago, but it's not that exciting. With the whole sick internet available to you, you want to know where there's a flash of a boob on Hulu? Whatever floats your boat… but hopefully it's a trench-coated man stroking a doll arm attached to a woman dressed like David Carradine that does it for you, 'cause we actually got that here!
2014-01-13
2013-11-21
It's 3[:30]AM I Must Loony
I thought the crowd at the 24-hour taco place by my house at 2am after the bars let out was really weird… until I met the 3:30am crowd. Anyone scoring a burrito at that hour has been up to no good.
My friends and I were there, too, so admittedly we deserved to be categorized similarly. At least we had the good sense not to try to intermingle with the fellow riffraff, but all the other patrons were intent to chat us up anyway.
First, an older gentleman interrupted a couple of my female friends' conversation about their respective hairlines to give his input. He was a "comedian" but never really said anything funny. When my friend finally tried to excuse herself from a conversation the guy wouldn't take the hint needed to end, she told the slightly balding guy, "Okay, good luck with your hairline!"
Then there was a straight male ginger Latino fashion student (who knew?!) who was celebrating his 21st birthday. He claimed he had $4,700 on him that his father gave him to celebrate and kept offering to buy us stuff and take us places. He told us he had paid his friend to be a DD and that he was on his way to Vegas after eating and we could join him. Behind him, his friend shook his head no to indicate that was not going to happen. The ladies also declined to give him their phone numbers, despite his persistence. I'm not really sure whether he had all that money on him either, but he did wind up buying us an horchata.
Meanwhile, some woman a few feet away started screaming and slapping a guy after he told her he was leaving her at the taco place because he couldn't afford the gas to drive her home. She could have left before with Tito if he had mentioned that fact earlier!
Both the 21-year-old and the comedian were asking where we all lived, and one of my friends offered up the fact that I lived "right over there" and pointed. I leapt into action: "Yeah, but not right there… way way back. Like a few miles in that direction." Sorry, but we don't give my address to shady drunk people.
Speaking of shady drunk people, the creepiest dude of all never even talked to us. He was a young guy by himself carrying a 12-pack of Tecate in his arm. As he methodically made his way through his beers, he would flash a big smile and just wave at us every couple minutes or so. At first it seemed friendly, then it seemed like a condescending joke, and then it seemed like we might get murdered. At some point, the smiling and waving between strangers needs to stop, or people are going to start to think the worst. It's a shame, too, because it might have been nice to be friends with a guy unashamed enough to drink a 12-pack on a public street corner.
No more enchiladas at 3:30am.
My friends and I were there, too, so admittedly we deserved to be categorized similarly. At least we had the good sense not to try to intermingle with the fellow riffraff, but all the other patrons were intent to chat us up anyway.
First, an older gentleman interrupted a couple of my female friends' conversation about their respective hairlines to give his input. He was a "comedian" but never really said anything funny. When my friend finally tried to excuse herself from a conversation the guy wouldn't take the hint needed to end, she told the slightly balding guy, "Okay, good luck with your hairline!"
Then there was a straight male ginger Latino fashion student (who knew?!) who was celebrating his 21st birthday. He claimed he had $4,700 on him that his father gave him to celebrate and kept offering to buy us stuff and take us places. He told us he had paid his friend to be a DD and that he was on his way to Vegas after eating and we could join him. Behind him, his friend shook his head no to indicate that was not going to happen. The ladies also declined to give him their phone numbers, despite his persistence. I'm not really sure whether he had all that money on him either, but he did wind up buying us an horchata.
Meanwhile, some woman a few feet away started screaming and slapping a guy after he told her he was leaving her at the taco place because he couldn't afford the gas to drive her home. She could have left before with Tito if he had mentioned that fact earlier!
Both the 21-year-old and the comedian were asking where we all lived, and one of my friends offered up the fact that I lived "right over there" and pointed. I leapt into action: "Yeah, but not right there… way way back. Like a few miles in that direction." Sorry, but we don't give my address to shady drunk people.
Speaking of shady drunk people, the creepiest dude of all never even talked to us. He was a young guy by himself carrying a 12-pack of Tecate in his arm. As he methodically made his way through his beers, he would flash a big smile and just wave at us every couple minutes or so. At first it seemed friendly, then it seemed like a condescending joke, and then it seemed like we might get murdered. At some point, the smiling and waving between strangers needs to stop, or people are going to start to think the worst. It's a shame, too, because it might have been nice to be friends with a guy unashamed enough to drink a 12-pack on a public street corner.
No more enchiladas at 3:30am.
2013-11-13
What Would I Say?
I admit it, I really like What-Would-I-Say because it's essentially Horse eBooks but with your own words! Usually it's hard to laugh at your own jokes, but when you didn't actually write them, the laughs flow freely.
That is a potent pill the government is prescribing.
Better safe than sorry.
Any guesses? Mitt Romney, obviously.
Well?
Yeah I am!
You can't say I didn't try to uphold journalistic integrity.
It's best not to.
It was time to pay up.
The revolution won't be televised, but it will be a grumpy gus.
This one's a thinker. She's not trying to kill herself, she's just trying to make it look like she tried to kill herself, I guess.
What a disappointment. This is why people don't read.
Ugh, tell me about it.
2013-11-01
Quail-Man
I dressed as Quail-Man for Halloween. I chose Doug Funnie's alter-ego because the actual costume IS a crappy costume and therefore isn't hard to put together. But it was still a hit! I mean, most people seemed to have no idea who this dude was running around with a belt on his head and underwear* as outerwear, but the minority of people who did recognize me were super into the nostalgia and I wound up posing for a couple dozen photos with strangers. I just wish Quail-Man had some kind of catchphrase, because each time people shouted at me, I had nothing to respond but, "Heyyyyy." (What does the Quail say?)
I thought Quail-Man would be an original costume - I've never seen anyone dressed as him before - but wouldn't you know it, I ran into two other Quail-Men in my trek around Hollywood last night. We should probably start an Awesome People/Awesome Ideas club.
* I purchased the tighty whities from Goodwill for 50 cents. Yeah, that's gross, but I washed them twice and they went over my pants so I think it's okay. I hope it's okay, anyway.
2013-09-23
Schlong Skirt
How old does Mad Men's Sally need to be before we can point out that she’s wearing a schlong skirt? You’d think that she’s walked in on enough adults having sex that she’d recognize a bunch of dicks by now. The poor girl is trapped in the middle of a circle jerk.
2013-05-19
Eurovision 2013 Round-Up
Yesterday's Eurovision Song Contest was pretty bleeping amazing. Tell me this video of Romania's song isn't the most bizarre thing you've seen. Tell me, I dare you! It's been labelled "gay vampire ghost opera dubstep" and I suppose that's as good of a description as there will ever be for something that words cannot accurately describe.
But Romania was hardly the only WTF moment. Finland channeled her inner-bridezilla and ended her song with a lesbian smooch:
Greek men clad in kilts jammed and repeated the lyrics "Alcohol is free!" incessantly. (It's a message we can all get behind, anyway.):
This pretty Ukranian woman got carried onstage by an actual giant, sang about gravity, made weird hand motions to mimic a butterfly, and still ultimately finished in 3rd place:
Moldova screeched while wearing the most multi-functional dress you've ever seen:
And we picked up some "cool" "new" "dance moves" from both Belgium and Belarus.
About ten of us watched the festivities live together yesterday, and while Romania was obviously our collective favorite, our runner-up was the show's actual winner, Denmark:
I was smitten with the song within twenty seconds: a flute, those drums, a hot, purposefully disheveled young lady with perfectly messy hair and bare feet. All right, for me the appeal is admittedly half crush-based, but it's also half really catchy song. I might already own the MP3, even.
The runner-up was an astonishingly handsome man (hey, save some good genes for the rest of us) from Azerbaijan who probably had the best staging of the night. I don't care for the song, but I can't even make fun of it because I was just genuinely impressed with the effects:
I realize I write about Eurovision a lot for an American, but it is too funny/confounding of a ritual to not get excited about. Like, what was with this announcer who snuck in a plug for his new single and then gave control back to the main host who he referred to as "#MILF"? Man, I can't get enough: is it next year yet?
P.S., here are three honorable mentions that for obvious but not justifiable reasons were eliminated in the semi-final rounds:
- Montenegro (ASTRONAUT RAPPERS, GUYS!)
- Latvia (It's not an homage to the 80s, Latvia is just decades behind in trends.)
- Bulgaria (She wails, she drums, she's awesome.)
2013-05-12
Happy Mothers' Day, especially to UR MOM!
I couldn't resist purchasing this airbrushed hat for today's holiday. It just seems like a nice gesture to indicate that I not only appreciate my own mother, but ur mom, as well.
It was a great thrift store find. As was this t-shirt.
Weird kid, but I didn't buy it.
My mother will be pleased to learn that I decided against buying a shirt featuring an elephant's butt, too. I think it's a sign of maturity that I realize not every article of clothing can't be a joke?
But if the UR MOM hat wasn't enough of an indication, I'm still not that mature. For example, I couldn't resist buying this bejeweled BINGO WINNER shirt. Not sure when I'd ever wear it, but perhaps I can coax one of my friends into it.
In the parking lot, a homeless guy (not the one who peed in my car) asked if he could wash my headlights for a small donation. I gave him a few bucks and he told me that my "mama must have raised me right." There, Mom, you have something to be proud of… other than that fashion sense that clearly never developed.
Oh, and I also found this shirt:
On the one hand, it's pretty stupid to put a greeting card message on a t-shirt, because on what occasion could a dad actually wear this? On the other hand, AT LEAST MY FATHERS' DAY SHOPPING IS ALREADY DONE. Plus, it was cheap and easy. Almost as cheap and easy as UR MOM.
2013-04-29
Ultimate Weight Loss Challenge
You couldn't pay me to watch Dr. Phil, but I will always wear this thrift-store-find t-shirt. My hope is that strangers will assume that I was once morbidly obese so that even when I've put on a little weight, I'll still look fine by hypothetical comparison. "Look, he's still alive and not terribly fat eight years later, good for him!"
2013-04-19
The 13 Most Ridiculous Songs of Eurovision 2013
Guys, Eurovision - Europe's annual trainwreckish competition to find the continent's best song - is just a month away, and I cannot contain my excitement. I've recapped previous years (2010, 2011, 2012) and now I am so stoked for 2013's competition that I compiled another video of my favorite Eurovision videos.
These songs are going to be so aw(some/ful… both simultaneously, really) live! I can't wait!
Here's some commentary on the videos:
13. GREECE - Kilted lads sing a repetitive chorus that is probably wishful thinking. Wait, how much is alcohol again?
12. MOLDOVA - Such subtle pyrotechnics. I don't wear dresses, but if I did, I'd want hers.
11. ALBANIA - It's like if Napoleon Dynamite's Kip grew out his hair and started smoking.
10. SWEDEN - I'm not sure he hit that note as well as he thinks he did. Ouch.
9. RUSSIA - The song has such hackneyed, sappy lyrics ("What if we chose to bury our guns?") and yet the CROWD STILL GOES WILD!!! WOOOOOOOO!!
8. MONTENEGRO - Boobs, rappers in hazmat suits, and some sweet dance moves. I'm into it.
7. LITHUANIA - Holy amateur hour dude. Your song and vocal abilities are as poor as your eyebrows.
6. FINLAND - Frankly, I'm surprised she hasn't gotten hitched yet.
5. BELARUS - My, what lovely bulging eyes you have.
4. UKRAINE - The song is fairly unremarkable but the bubbles, crystals, and unicorns are a nice touch.
3. BULGARIA - Between the wailing, the stick thumping, and whatever that bag instrument is, I'm captivated.
2. LATVIA - Hello, 1980s! I thought I laughed a lot when the unbuttoned jacket guy rubs his friend's head, but that was nothing compared to when the faux-hawk man scats synthesizer noises and the audience sways their arms along to the jam.
1. ROMANIA - This one is expected to do quite well at Eurovision and I just don't get it. That voice is so shrill. It's kind of impressive that he can do that, but I don't' want to hear it for more than a couple of seconds, let alone a whole song. Europe, I don't understand your musical taste - and I don't ever want to! It'd take all the fun out of it.
We'll probably have another viewing party at my place for the finals on May 18, so mark your calendars.
These songs are going to be so aw(some/ful… both simultaneously, really) live! I can't wait!
Here's some commentary on the videos:
13. GREECE - Kilted lads sing a repetitive chorus that is probably wishful thinking. Wait, how much is alcohol again?
12. MOLDOVA - Such subtle pyrotechnics. I don't wear dresses, but if I did, I'd want hers.
11. ALBANIA - It's like if Napoleon Dynamite's Kip grew out his hair and started smoking.
10. SWEDEN - I'm not sure he hit that note as well as he thinks he did. Ouch.
9. RUSSIA - The song has such hackneyed, sappy lyrics ("What if we chose to bury our guns?") and yet the CROWD STILL GOES WILD!!! WOOOOOOOO!!
8. MONTENEGRO - Boobs, rappers in hazmat suits, and some sweet dance moves. I'm into it.
7. LITHUANIA - Holy amateur hour dude. Your song and vocal abilities are as poor as your eyebrows.
6. FINLAND - Frankly, I'm surprised she hasn't gotten hitched yet.
5. BELARUS - My, what lovely bulging eyes you have.
4. UKRAINE - The song is fairly unremarkable but the bubbles, crystals, and unicorns are a nice touch.
3. BULGARIA - Between the wailing, the stick thumping, and whatever that bag instrument is, I'm captivated.
2. LATVIA - Hello, 1980s! I thought I laughed a lot when the unbuttoned jacket guy rubs his friend's head, but that was nothing compared to when the faux-hawk man scats synthesizer noises and the audience sways their arms along to the jam.
1. ROMANIA - This one is expected to do quite well at Eurovision and I just don't get it. That voice is so shrill. It's kind of impressive that he can do that, but I don't' want to hear it for more than a couple of seconds, let alone a whole song. Europe, I don't understand your musical taste - and I don't ever want to! It'd take all the fun out of it.
We'll probably have another viewing party at my place for the finals on May 18, so mark your calendars.
2013-03-21
The Beacontown Beavers
This season, each of the dodgeball teams in our league named itself after an 80s movie reference. I had two stellar suggestions if I say so myself.
In fact, I did say so myself with St. Elmo's Fire Crotch. Apparently, my teammates weren't ready to do more than shake their heads at the thought of portraying an alleged pedophile as angelic. Plus the team's redhead wasn't wild about it. Fair enough. But Elmo is a fire crotch if I've ever seen one, so it wasn't entirely inappropriate.
When Harry Met Sally Jessy Raphael was much better received. That's three 80s references in one! Despite getting the most support from my teammates, our captain overruled (booooo).
So instead, we're the Beacontown Beavers. That's a reference to the basketball team in the Michael J. Fox movie Teen Wolf. It's not so bad being a beaver:
I had on my full yellow garb and short athletic shorts in honor of dodgeball playoffs last night. The Beacontown Beavers did pretty well last night, no thanks to me. I couldn't catch for shit last night, gosh dam it, but hopefully my sexy legs at least distracted the other team.
I'm optimistic about our team's chances in the finals next week because it's basically been foretold. Not just because our shirts already read "Champions" (boy, wouldn't that be embarrassing if we were wrong?) but because Teen Wolf's theme song is "Win in the End." With a boring tune and lyrics that a second grader could have written, I've really come to like how awful and 80s that song is:
"Win in the end. I'm gonna win in the end."
In fact, I did say so myself with St. Elmo's Fire Crotch. Apparently, my teammates weren't ready to do more than shake their heads at the thought of portraying an alleged pedophile as angelic. Plus the team's redhead wasn't wild about it. Fair enough. But Elmo is a fire crotch if I've ever seen one, so it wasn't entirely inappropriate.
So instead, we're the Beacontown Beavers. That's a reference to the basketball team in the Michael J. Fox movie Teen Wolf. It's not so bad being a beaver:
I had on my full yellow garb and short athletic shorts in honor of dodgeball playoffs last night. The Beacontown Beavers did pretty well last night, no thanks to me. I couldn't catch for shit last night, gosh dam it, but hopefully my sexy legs at least distracted the other team.
I'm optimistic about our team's chances in the finals next week because it's basically been foretold. Not just because our shirts already read "Champions" (boy, wouldn't that be embarrassing if we were wrong?) but because Teen Wolf's theme song is "Win in the End." With a boring tune and lyrics that a second grader could have written, I've really come to like how awful and 80s that song is:
"Win in the end. I'm gonna win in the end."
2013-02-25
Sexism, Racism, and the Academy Awards
There are two things everyone's talking about the day after the Oscars, the first being Seth MacFarlane's bigoted approach to hosting. I thought it was kind of "genius" (in a warped sense of the word) to play off his jokes in a hypothetical setup. On one level it was like, "Wouldn't it be silly if I did this sophomoric shit at the Oscars?!" But in actuality, he was literally playing off that same material as his main material and actually succeeding. Some of the same people who wouldn't laugh at a topless actress song and dance were fooled enough by the premise to say chuckle "yes, such a thing at the Oscars would be absurd!"
I can't comment on too many specific jokes SINCE MY DRUNK FRIENDS KEPT TALKING DURING THE CEREMONY, but I remember when he intentionally "mixed up" two black actors who look nothing alike. It wasn't a commentary on how ridiculous society is in that respect, "black people look alike" was essentially the punchline. Blegh.
But as my friend Melinda pointed out this morning, let's not single out MacFarlane for an attitude that typifies the Academy on the whole. The Academy itself is predominately white senior citizen men. They represent an industry that is dominated - like most others - by a wealthy patriarchy. In that respect, MacFarlane didn't disgrace the Academy with his racist/sexist humor, he embodied it.
You know what's a sexist joke? Out of 100s of Best Director nominees over the decades, only four have ever been women. Want to know another sexist joke? Picking a hot, blonde 22-year-old who played a nymphomaniac as a Best Actress over the 86-year-old who movingly portrayed a real struggle or the woman who played a brash CIA agent/hero. Okay, one more: Amy Adams got a nomination for a minor, unremarkable role where her big scene involves her giving her husband a hand job while telling him it's okay to cheat on her.
How about a racist joke? There have only been TWO African American Best Director nominees ever. The last two African American actresses to win Oscars did so for playing either an abusive monster or a domestic maid who shits in a pie. Ultimately, even if the Academy started recognizing more actors of colors, it wouldn't change that it's still white patriarchy who get to tell the stories and - more importantly - profit from them.
A lot of us already recognize the farce, but we still engage with it anyway. We see the films, we have Oscar parties, and we pretend to care about the outcomes (I won my party's pool again, BTW, because I'm awesome at predicting other peoples' poor decisions). That's just being a member of this fucked up society. For crying aloud, I watched the ceremony in a room full of self-identified feminists, and there was STILL plenty of nitpicking about actresses' looks and outfits. I tried to spoof that when I saw Quvenzhane Wallis showing off her dress on the red carpet and remarked that she wasn't showing off enough skin.
Which brings me to the other topic everyone's talking about: The Onion's infamously deleted tweet: "Everyone seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a cunt, right? #Oscars2013"
It's not my favorite joke, but people need to cool their britches and stop appointing themselves satire police. Since when are smart people taking The Onion at face value? If someone had called Wallis a c-word for real, I would have thrown down. I don't generally like child actors, but Wallis gave one of the most amazing performances I've seen in years. In her public appearances, she has done nothing but come across as sweet, humble, and grounded. The joke is only a joke because she's universally adored. Matt Kirshen is saying some smart things on this topic that I would cosign.
Just like the comment I made about how Wallis should show more skin earlier in the evening, it wasn't actually a comment about Wallis. It was meant to poke fun at how Hollywood starlets are all but required to show a lot of cleavage or leg and dress up like sex objects. And how the viewers are socialized to dissect these women's looks and make nasty comments as they prance down a red carpet. Of course you don't start criticizing a nine-year-old's cute, age-appropriate dress for not being sexy enough.
In The Onion's case, I read the cunt joke as commentary on society's tendency to bash women. We so freely toss derogatory terms about females around that we need to be THAT shocked to even register that we do it. How many times have we heard Anne Hathaway called a "bitch" recently because she comes across as too polished? Or that Sally Field is a nightmare? It doesn't take much of anything to get us to turn on once cherished celebrities. In fact, I dare say that The Onion could not have called ANY other person in attendance at the Oscars for the joke to make sense. Once women reach a certain age, a number of people are bound to hate them, often irrationally.
Which is why it's sad that it's only a matter of years before someone will call Wallis the c-word and mean it. If you don't find The Onion's joke funny, or you don't approve of calling a child a name even in jest, then fine… but I'd suggesting saving your rage for the legitimate misogyny in the world and not the humor website with a proven track record that's trying to shed light on the same issues that irk you.
I can't comment on too many specific jokes SINCE MY DRUNK FRIENDS KEPT TALKING DURING THE CEREMONY, but I remember when he intentionally "mixed up" two black actors who look nothing alike. It wasn't a commentary on how ridiculous society is in that respect, "black people look alike" was essentially the punchline. Blegh.
But as my friend Melinda pointed out this morning, let's not single out MacFarlane for an attitude that typifies the Academy on the whole. The Academy itself is predominately white senior citizen men. They represent an industry that is dominated - like most others - by a wealthy patriarchy. In that respect, MacFarlane didn't disgrace the Academy with his racist/sexist humor, he embodied it.
You know what's a sexist joke? Out of 100s of Best Director nominees over the decades, only four have ever been women. Want to know another sexist joke? Picking a hot, blonde 22-year-old who played a nymphomaniac as a Best Actress over the 86-year-old who movingly portrayed a real struggle or the woman who played a brash CIA agent/hero. Okay, one more: Amy Adams got a nomination for a minor, unremarkable role where her big scene involves her giving her husband a hand job while telling him it's okay to cheat on her.
How about a racist joke? There have only been TWO African American Best Director nominees ever. The last two African American actresses to win Oscars did so for playing either an abusive monster or a domestic maid who shits in a pie. Ultimately, even if the Academy started recognizing more actors of colors, it wouldn't change that it's still white patriarchy who get to tell the stories and - more importantly - profit from them.
A lot of us already recognize the farce, but we still engage with it anyway. We see the films, we have Oscar parties, and we pretend to care about the outcomes (I won my party's pool again, BTW, because I'm awesome at predicting other peoples' poor decisions). That's just being a member of this fucked up society. For crying aloud, I watched the ceremony in a room full of self-identified feminists, and there was STILL plenty of nitpicking about actresses' looks and outfits. I tried to spoof that when I saw Quvenzhane Wallis showing off her dress on the red carpet and remarked that she wasn't showing off enough skin.
Which brings me to the other topic everyone's talking about: The Onion's infamously deleted tweet: "Everyone seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a cunt, right? #Oscars2013"
It's not my favorite joke, but people need to cool their britches and stop appointing themselves satire police. Since when are smart people taking The Onion at face value? If someone had called Wallis a c-word for real, I would have thrown down. I don't generally like child actors, but Wallis gave one of the most amazing performances I've seen in years. In her public appearances, she has done nothing but come across as sweet, humble, and grounded. The joke is only a joke because she's universally adored. Matt Kirshen is saying some smart things on this topic that I would cosign.
Just like the comment I made about how Wallis should show more skin earlier in the evening, it wasn't actually a comment about Wallis. It was meant to poke fun at how Hollywood starlets are all but required to show a lot of cleavage or leg and dress up like sex objects. And how the viewers are socialized to dissect these women's looks and make nasty comments as they prance down a red carpet. Of course you don't start criticizing a nine-year-old's cute, age-appropriate dress for not being sexy enough.
In The Onion's case, I read the cunt joke as commentary on society's tendency to bash women. We so freely toss derogatory terms about females around that we need to be THAT shocked to even register that we do it. How many times have we heard Anne Hathaway called a "bitch" recently because she comes across as too polished? Or that Sally Field is a nightmare? It doesn't take much of anything to get us to turn on once cherished celebrities. In fact, I dare say that The Onion could not have called ANY other person in attendance at the Oscars for the joke to make sense. Once women reach a certain age, a number of people are bound to hate them, often irrationally.
Which is why it's sad that it's only a matter of years before someone will call Wallis the c-word and mean it. If you don't find The Onion's joke funny, or you don't approve of calling a child a name even in jest, then fine… but I'd suggesting saving your rage for the legitimate misogyny in the world and not the humor website with a proven track record that's trying to shed light on the same issues that irk you.
2013-02-19
New Spirit Animal
I know it's not polite to take pictures of strangers without their permission, but I couldn't help it; this old lady I saw downtown is KILLING it style-wise. Let's give a rundown:- purple shirt
- purple jacket
- purple necklace
- purple rings
- purple earrings
- purple hat
- purple oversized glasses
- purple pants
- purple sneakers
- purple purse
Oh, and she's also holding a purple sweater and purple scarf just in case she gets too cold on this fairly warm day. That, or in case she suddenly needs more purple.
I'm never declared a spirit animal before, but now I'm glad I've held out. This lady is it, this lady is my spirit animal. My life is about to change, y'all.
2013-01-25
White Privilege and Macklemore
ramou: Finding other people who aren’t on Macklemore’s dick has, so far, been my favorite part of 2013. #THAT SONG IS SOME PRIVILEGED BULLSHIT AND CAN SUCK MY TEATI rarely disagree with Ramou, but I have to take exception in this case. My beef is actually with the Spin article that is contained in her link. I read that piece yesterday and could not get behind his thesis at all.
I like Macklemore a bunch, but truthfully I don’t care for “Thrift Shop.” The song is an anomaly on his album and anyone who likes/dislikes the artist based on this single has a very incomplete understanding of his music. He made a silly radio-friendly single, which I guess you can fault him for if you want, but that’s standard practice in contemporary music.
“Thrift Shop” is tongue-in-cheek! Playful! The lyrics are too ridiculous (“I wear your granddad’s clothes/I look incredible”) for him not to be spoofing on hipster culture. Rather than being “above” hipsters, however, he’s essentially embodying hipster culture by both participating and mocking simultaneously. Yeah the young audience that propelled the song to #1 probably reads it as literal, but I’ve similarly known people who don’t pick up on the obvious oral sex references in Flo Rida’s “Whistle” - that’s just the mainstream’s relationship to pop music for you.
It’s important to discuss white privilege on the regular, but I wouldn’t make Macklemore a main target of these conversations. He’s an intelligent man who raps about white privilege in his songs (check out the lyrics to “Claiming the City” and “A Wake”). He’s not only aware, he ruminates on the topic. If Brandon Soderberg thinks that a white guy can’t rap about thrift stores because he doesn’t understand the associated hardships of shopping at Goodwill, then maybe he’d agree that a white, liberal-arts educated man shouldn’t be covering hip hop for Spin. (Nah, he probably wouldn’t. Ride the privilege that helped get you that gig, Soderberg!)
Ultimately, even if “Thrift Shop” isn’t too my personal taste, I like the fact that there is now an anthem for thrifting. I am all about second-hand economies (so much that I’ve been trying to mainstream the phrase “second-hand economies” for years) and would love it if this song inspired people to buy more used goods. Firsthand consumerism is a system that generally fuels the already rich and depletes the earth’s resources. I buy used whenever practical out of a sense of social responsibility and community. I’m not even going to pretend that I don’t also get a thrill out of finding cheap and/or ironic things like Macklemore’s song references, but if more people got the same high from dropping $2 on a secondhand treasure as they do from putting themselves in credit card debt on material goods, then I view that as a positive. Maybe that’s just the opinion of a white privileged hipster, but if it is, I’m going to own it.
2012-12-09
A Sweater for Every Occasion
I attended a party tonight where we were encouraged to wear ugly Christmas sweaters, and, not that there were "winners", but my beautiful friend Dani totally won.
It's a convenient sweater for every holiday. Easter, Halloween, Fourth of July, St. Patrick's Day, Valentine's Day, Christmas… sure you could have a sweater for each of those occasions, or you could just save closet space by putting all of them on one garment. She said she stole it from her elementary school teacher mom (makes sense, right?), and if there's one big reason why I would return to the teaching profession, it might be for the tacky teacher outfits.
I also have to give her credit for that Christmas tree hat which was for sale at the supermarket. She said she had to choose between buying food or the hat, but I think it was a smart decision considering I can't stop feasting my eyes on that tasty knit cap.
2012-11-15
Racism at Target
Two weird incidents at Target today:
1. An older man was pacing with apparent frustration, and as I tried to navigate around his frantic steps he said, "Excuse me, do you know where they hide the sporting coats?"
"Um… I don't, I'm sorry," I said. Truthfully, I'm not even sure what he meant by a sporting coat. And by my best guess, they don't carry that sort of clothing at Target. That or they "hide" them really, really well.
2. On my way out of the store, I was stuck behind a middle-aged white woman who was moving too slowly with her cart. I resigned myself to being patient and following behind, but a Latina woman and her kid decided to bolt ahead of her, which startled the white woman and prompted her to stop her cart. "Niggers," she said.
She said it aloud, not as a shout, but not under her breath either. I couldn't tell for certain whether the mother and daughter made out the racial epithet, but they definitely heard her anger and each gave her a dismissive look before continuing ahead.
As for me, I had to stop myself from cracking a smile. Don't get me wrong, in no way do I think using the N-word is funny, but the people she was angry at didn't even look black. Being a racist is ignorant, but this somehow managed to be ignorant. Does she even know when this word is supposed to be used (overlooking the fact that it really should never be used)?
It's gotta suck to have that much hate in your heart.
2012-11-02
Kanye West's Sexist New Song
Kanye West has a song, "White Dress", on the new The Man with the Iron Fists soundtrack. At first I liked the tune, until I started paying attention to the lyrics. There's a lot of underlying sexism to "White Dress". It seems that Kanye thinks women are objects to be married (or, at the least, objects that want nothing more than to be married) and, I kid you not, raped. Here are the top 6 sexist lines from the song:
6. "Remember I used to do things that'd make you laugh/ Like orderin' a girl drink in a masculine glass."
What the hell is a masculine glass? Kanye's eccentric, though, so I can totally picture him demanding a cosmopolitan in a beer stein.
5. "We had problems, but it's all in the past/ Everybody got problems, baby, algebra class."
Is he making light of the female achievement gap at math? Just kidding, this line probably isn't sexist, but it does crack me up.
4. "You the type of girl that probably deserve a new last name."
Girl, you could to be a kept women. You're not like one of those women who should pretend to be happy being single. A man could totally validate your existence by marrying you. You should have the privilege of taking my name instead of your own. In fact, you deserve it!
3. "Plus I don't like none of her girlfriends/ Quote unquote, 'Cuz her girlfriends got girlfriends.'"
Listen, baby, you gotta get rid of those lesbian friends of yours. That just ain't right. It's not that I'm homophobic (I am), but they keep trying to tell you I'm no good. Even though I just admit a few lines prior that I've been lying and cheating, they're the ones to blame. I'm not sexist, I just hate all women because they hate all men.
2. "Even though I met you in a club in a tight dress/ At first sight, I could picture you in a white dress."
Yeah, you looked pretty slutty when we first met, but I still saw the potential to wife you up.
1. "Just a satin gown, you asleep with no makeup/ I'm just tryna be inside you 'fore you wake up."
That'd be really sweet, Kanye, were it not criminal. What you are describing is rape. She needs to be awake to consent, dingy.
I know this song is supposed to be romantic, like, "we should stay together because I could see myself maybe marrying you", but Kanye's chauvinism shines through. Reducing your lady friend to a bride and penetrating her while she's snoozing is - if nothing else - problematic. You know, like algebra class.
2012-11-01
Get a Clue
For Halloween, I dressed as a member of the Illumanti.
Actually, I was a Clue board. It was a last minute costume. I asked my Facebook friends whether I should be a Clue board or a SEXY Clue board and, obviously everyone voted for sexy. I didn't know how to actually pull that off, but I did suggestively tape the "CONFIDENTIAL" folder that you put the cards in over my crotch.
I tried to up the sex appeal in this photo I posed for just before going out. I know how to work my angles from my brief employment at America's Next Top Model. I'm holding a knife, but it's hidden behind my hat, so clearly I wasn't there long enough to learn all of my angles, unfortunately.
On the streets of Hollywood, no one wanted to take my picture this year, not that I expected it. This was a subpar costume. To make matters worse, the cards and pieces I had taped all over my body kept falling off over the course of the night. You could have collected an almost complete Clue game if you had followed behind me.
But at least I wasn't Mario and Luigi. Half of Hollywood was dressed as those two characters. That and Waldo. When you can plainly spot three different Waldos in your general vicinity, it really takes the fun out of the game.
The most interesting part of the night was when some not-totally-sane man came up to me and said, "I get you, I get you, you've got a CLUE! I know what you mean. I've got a clue, too, man, but you shouldn't put it out there like that." He then lifted up his shirt to reveal a second shirt underneath and winked. "We each got clues, but we shouldn't give clues to other people that we have those clues, you know what I mean?"
I didn't know what he meant, but he rambled on, occasionally lifting his shirt, which had some cryptic text. "Look, man, I know you can't talk about it, but I know you're in the Illumanati. As you can see from my shirt, I am too. But I gotta say, when you wear that clue out like that, you're too obvious, people are going to figure it out." I just kept agreeing with him because what else was I going to do?
So apparently my last minute board game costume was accidentally semi-covert Illumanti attire. Who knew? Maybe it was a better costume than I thought.
2012-09-12
Sweat Stain
While playing dodgeball tonight, a weird sweat stain developed on the front of my shirt. I was hardly the only one with this problem, but then I caught the girl next to me looking at it, and I got self-conscious, so I turned so she couldn't continue to stare.
Realizing that her staring had been noticed, she quickly apologized. "Sorry, I was just trying to read your shirt."
"Oh, sure," I said. I didn't believe it, but as someone who has used the same excuse after being caught looking at cleavage, I felt it only polite to just agree.
Then I glanced down to confirm what was on my shirt, and that's when I remembered that it was just a plain shirt. No text, no image, just a single solid color. And unless she's a special kind of fortune teller who can predict the future by the shape of perspiration stains, she wasn't "reading" my shirt.
Right after discovering the inconsistency, I tried to make eye contact with her, but she averted her eyes, most likely realizing the excuse she gave was not plausible. Busted! Doesn't she look stupid, I thought. Then I remembered that I was the one with a gross sweat stain, so I still looked stupider.
And then I got hit in the penis with a dodgeball.
2012-08-19
Time for New Sunglasses?
Alex: [wears oversized sunglasses]
Clare: [greets Alex] You look like a celebrity in those. Did you have cataract surgery?
Alex: [laughs] That just started as a compliment and then turned into something quite different.
Clare: Really, though, are you okay?
Alex: Yeah, this is just my style of sunglasses.
Dan: [Clare's boyfriend, joining thirty seconds later] Alex, did you have eye surgery?
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