2014-08-17

Los Angeles in 2 Parts

I made a mini-love letter to the people of Los Angeles in the form of a 30 second video.



First is a clip of today’s police brutality march where 1,000+ of us shut down some streets of downtown LA. It was partially in solidarity with events in Ferguson, but mainly in memory of the multiple unarmed men of color the police have killed in our own city in the past couple of weeks. It’s ridiculous that this is so common of an occurrence. Apparently, someone else got shot by LAPD during our protest mere blocks away.

Shortly after, a few minute walk away, I came upon a three-block long oval of elderly Japanese women performing a choreographed dance routine to Pharrell’s “Happy.” It was cute and kind of a culture shock after shouting at the LAPD… yet also, in a weird way, kind of fitting.

We got a lot of work to do, Los Angeles; keep being awesome in the meantime.

2014-08-05

The Money Machine

All my life, I've dreamed of being in a money wind machine (do they have a proper name?). I'm not particularly greedy, but I've just always known in my heart I'd be exceptionally good at grabbing dollars as they blow around me in an enclosed booth.

Walking down an LA street last month, an opportunity presented itself to make my dream come true. Granted, it was a T Mobile promotional booth and not a real money machine, but sometimes you have to modify your expectations to make dreams a reality.

Sometimes, however, dreams are just that… it turns out, I'm rubbish at this game. My friends just stood outside the booth, laughing and mocking my pitiful effort to grab fake crumpled up money as it whirled around me.


In my defense, T Mobile implemented a whole lot of unnecessary rules that killed any kind of reasonable strategy to do well:

  • I could only grab the money that blew above my waist (most of it remained toward the floor.)
  • I could not bend my knees or reach down.
  • I could not push money against the wall to collect it easier, or touch the wall at all for that matter.
  • I could not stuff money in my shirt or anywhere else on my person.
  • The only money that would count is what was in my hands.


That's not how they do it on TV! I filled all I could fit in my hands pretty quickly and then I was kind of stuck… I had plenty of time left but only so many crumpled papers can fit between your fingers. Considering these were just T Mobile bucks and not real dollars, you'd think they'd just let me have at it. Part of me wanted to ask them, "Look, I'm not actually going to try to cash in the bucks for a T Mobile accessory ASTERISK YOU MUST ENROLL IN A NEW T MOBILE CELLULAR PLAN TO QUALIFY, which is a pretty big caveat if you ask me, so can you just let me play like real people do since I'm just using this as practice in case I ever make it on a gameshow?"

Oh well. Let me bend my knees and shove money down my shirt though, and I'm going to take you for thousands of dollars. Mark my words!

2014-07-30

Sharknado Tweets



To all of the people tweeting about Sharknado 2 tonight, never forget that Cory Monteith’s “thoughts” about the original Sharknado were the last things he ever tweeted. You wouldn’t want that to be your internet legacy.

2014-07-13

Happy 10th Birthday, Jadakiss's "Why"



Jadakiss's sorta hit song "Why" turns 10 today. In celebration, a full decade later, I think I'm finally ready to take on the wholly unnecessary task of answering over 50 of Jada's disjointed rhetorical questions. 

Yo, why is Jadakiss as hard as it gets?
Viagra.
Why is the industry designed to keep the artist in debt?
Capitalism's a sham, man.
And why them dudes ain't riding if they part of your set?
No loyalty.
And why they never get it popping but they party to death?
People enjoy revelry. 
Yeah and why they gonna give you life for a murder?
It's a punishment meant to discourage people from committing this crime.
Turn around only give you eight months for a burner?
It seems fair to have a much lighter punishment for possessing an illegal gun, then say, using that gun to kill someone.
Why they selling niggas CDs for under a dime?
Yo, I just saw Paula Cole's album in the discount bin, too; the discount bin is color blind.
And if it's all love, daddy, why you come with your 9?
Hey, Jada, you're the one who's talking about lowering the punishment for murder, maybe that's why your friend wants a little protection around you.
Why my niggas ain't get that cake?
If they tell the waitress it's their birthday, they'll probably bring a slice.
Why is a brother up north better than Jordan that ain't get that break?
The Toronto Rappers are trying as hard as they can!
Why you don't stack instead of trying to be fly?
Consumerism encourages people to spend money on stupid crap rather than save it.
Why is ratting at an all time high?
One man's tattletale is another man's whistleblower.
Why are you even alive?
I'm definitely not prepared to answer such an open-ended existential question.
Why they kill 2pac and Chris?
Since their murderers were never apprehended, it's hard to speak to their motivations.
Why at the bar you ain't take straight shots instead of poppin' Cris?
There was a champagne happy hour special.
Why them bullets have to hit that door?
That was the direction they were aimed in.
Why did Kobe have to hit that raw?
Raping someone with a condom might have left less evidence, but that's hardly the real problem with someone who, you know, raped someone.
Why'd he kiss that whore?
Uh, I'm not going to cosign calling an alleged rape victim a "whore."
Why?
Because it's misogynistic and terrible.

Why do niggas push pounds and powder?
Why did Bush knock down the towers?
We've got a Truther in the house!
Why you around them cowards?
They're my friends.
Why Aaliyah have to take that flight?
She couldn't just live in the Bahamas indefinitely.
Why my nigga D ain't pull out his Ferrari?
The gas mileage is pretty shitty.
Why he take that bike?
Cycling is a healthy activity.
Why they gotta open your package and read your mail?
It's fun to be nosy.
Why they stop letting niggas get degrees in jail?
I agree, inmates should have access to an education.
Why you gotta do 85% of your time?
Better than 100%, I suppose.
And why do niggas lie in 85% of they rhymes?
It's only like 50% of their rhymes… oh I see what you did there, Jada.
Why a nigga always want what he can't have?
The grass is always greener on the other side.
Why I can't come through in the pecan Jag?
I approve of this ride.
Why did crack have to hit so hard?
That sounds like good crack to me.
Even though it's almost over, why niggas can't get no jobs?
Bigoted corporate America is less likely to hire African American candidates.
Why they come up with the witness protection?
To protect people who testify against dangerous criminals.
Why they let the Terminator win the election?
For whatever reason, over 50% of Californian voters selected Arnold to be their governor.
Why I sell in the stores what you could sell in the streets?
Perhaps your album isn't selling because your music isn't as good as you believe.
Why I say the hottest shit but we sellin' the least?
Again, Jada may be overestimating the quality of his tunes.

Why Halle have to let a white man pop her to get an Oscar?
Her roles in Bulworth and The Flintstones just weren't award worthy.
Why did Denzel have to be crooked before he took it?
He actually won his first Oscar for portraying an upstanding Civil War soldier.
Why they didn't make the CL6 with a clutch?
This is a very specific complaint. Since you're a celebrity, maybe they'll custom make one for you.
And if you don't smoke why the hell are you reaching for my dutch?
Someone is trying to mooch that weed.
Why rap?
It's your calling, Jada.
Why be on the curb with a "Why lie? I need a beer" sign?
If you're poor and looking for a buzz, it's worth a shot.
Why all the young niggas is dying?
Cholera is making an unfortunate comeback in parts of Africa.
Why they ain't give us a cure for AIDS?
Scientific research takes time.
Why my diesel have fiends in the spot on the floor for days?
This drug reference is over my head.
Why you screaming like it's a slug?
Slugs are gross and sort of scary.
Why my buzz in LA ain't like it is in New York?
Having grown up in NYC, Jada's core fan base is his hometown.
Why they forcing you to be hard?
Peer pressure.
Why ain't you a thug by choice?
It's okay to not want to be a thug.
Why the whole world love my voice?
This seems like a bit of a stretch for a mediocre rapper.
And you know they made them new twenties? 'Cause I got all the old ones, that's why.
Well, he finally answered one of his own questions, but it's suspicious how he claims his album isn't selling well and the record label doesn't pay him properly, but he basically has all of America's old money stockpiled.

2014-07-02

My Neighbor Caught Me Messing Around with Her Dog's Poop

My house shares a yard with a couple of other units, and one of these neighbors recently got a new puppy. I think when she got the puppy she thought mainly of the cuteness and less about the responsibility because things haven't been going so well on that front. The dog is left in the yard barking and whining for hours at a time, and while I'm not wild about that, I'm even less in love with the shit all over the yard. Dogs poop, so I don't object to that, but I don't like that our shared yard is now a literal minefield of crap. Like, clean it up every so often!

I meant to address this issue with my neighbor like an adult, but before I got around to that, I had a friend over one day and she shouted, "WHY IS THERE DOG SHIT ALL OVER YOUR YARD?" Right after, I realized that the neighbor was standing at the adjacent and open window and must have heard the comment. That's not how I wanted her to hear that message, but I wasn't upset that it happened because at least she'd take the hint.

Except that the "hint" was ignored. A month worth's of poop amassed in the yard including several piles right outside my own front door. I decided my best course of action was just to just wait for the landlady to show up on the first of the month to pick up rent because she'd definitely say something about the mess.

On the 30th, however, my neighbor went around and picked up the poop. That meant she knew she was about to get and trouble, yet waited until the last moment to get rid of the problem. Of course, she didn't bother with the poop around my door, which would not be visible to my landlady.

So I devised a plan: I would move some of the remaining poop closer to the front so that the landlady would see it. It's silly, it's gross, and it's passive aggressive, but I genuinely thought it was a good plan.

I waited until 1:30 am so that I could do it secretly. With a couple of napkins, I scooped up dried out poop using both hands and made my way to the front yard. It was only as I was in the process of relocating the poop in a new spot on the ground that I realized that my neighbor was sitting silently in the dark on the porch. Panicked, I picked the poop back up and shoved it in my pocket and ran back into my house as my neighbor watched.

I can't be sure of what she saw or more importantly what she thinks she saw, but since the motion sensor light next to me had turned on, I have to assume she did see me doing something with her's dog poop. In retrospect, I should have put it in the trashcan rather than my pockets as if to indicate, "See, I have to pick up your dog's poop!" but I was caught off guard.

I don't even know whether it'd be better if my neighbors thought I was being conniving by recreating the poop mess or that I'm plain crazy and randomly playing with dog poop super late at night. Either way, I'm super embarrassed and feel like an idiot for not realizing this "good plan" was bound to backfire on me.

2014-06-25

Transcribing Porn

My friend recently got hired for a new job off of Craigslist… she's transcribing porn. Gay male porn, it was later revealed. Evidently, hearing impaired homosexuals are actually interested in the two minutes of exposition before the main action.

I was once hired for a media transcription job, but quit after one day. The rate of pay did not make it worthwhile since I had to rewind it too often in order to catch every single word. It was too slow of a process. Plus, I didn't get to watch porn.

Don't take that to be perverted - transcribing porn is, as my friend herself has acknowledged, fairly easy. There's not a lot of dialogue, so it's not strenuous work and not the kind of thing you have to replay too often to catch the words. She doesn't have to type out the grunts and moans, either, which seems like a bonus. But exclamations like "oh yeah" and "fuck me" - that needs to be transcribed. Something tells me that she'll find herself increasingly attracted to the strong, silent types within a few weeks.

My favorite part of her job is the ethical dilemma she's already encountered. Some of the videos have clearly been dubbed with additional audio that doesn't match up with the particular scenes. She described one occasion where you could hear an actor enthusiastically shout some words that he couldn't have possibly said given what his mouth was doing at the time. She wasn't sure whether she should caption it to accurately reflect the audio, or to leave it out to better reflect reality.

"How do you know it wasn't the other guy that said it?" I asked. "Let's just say that his mouth was otherwise occupied, too!"

Right. Well, that is quite a tough call, then. But that's why they pay her the moderately big bucks, I guess!

2014-06-21

All Licked Out


Still laughing at this typo that appeared on my Facebook feed last weekend.

2014-06-19

Redskins


The best part about the Redskins losing their trademark is not that they are forced to change their name (because they're not), but that now we can ALL use the name Redskins without infringing on the trademark.

Since it's indisputably the best name around, smart sports teams better jump on this while it's hot. The Denver Redskins. The Cincinnati Redskins. The New England Redskins. There should just be an entire league of Redskins teams! Plus, once every team is doing it, no one can whine that it's "offensive."

I'm going to open up a cupcake business and name it Redskins Cupcakes just because I can.

2014-06-18

Where Have I Been?

Ohmguh, where have I been?

Not blogging. Well, not blogging here anyway.

I just needed a break. I didn't even realize I needed a break until I was in the middle of taking said break. It felt good to check out for a prolonged period of time.

If I'm being honest, since hitting my 30s last year, blogging has become less appealing. I'm less inclined to overshare or just share details of my life in general. I wouldn't necessarily call it maturity (sorry, parents), just age.

Writing for a living doesn't help matters, either. I have other outlets for expressing myself that get way more of an audience (and, more importantly, get me paid). In between doing my jobs, I rarely feel like writing more, even "for fun."

That said, I'm not ready to pull the plug on this blog. I doubt it will ever return to the heydays when I'd post every single day, but I've got still got some Babbling left in me.

But real content will have to start again tomorrow. Somehow I got talked into seeing a Tom Cruise movie...

2014-05-06

Happy

I helped my mom download her first song ever the other week. She wanted to listen to "Happy" by Pharrell (well, she actually thought his name was "Feral" like a wild cat, but that's cute so she gets a pass) on her iPad. Who can blame her? The song is infectious. So infectious that my parents couldn't help but dance - which was also cute - each time it played. (It played a lot because when you only have one song on your iTunes, there's nothing else to shuffle to.)

My mom also played the song for my cousins, who weren't familiar with it. I understand that they're country music fans, but it floors me that they weren't familiar with a song that ubiquitous.

One of these cousins is a professional masseuse, and I bought my mom a session with her as a gift. As they discussed the particulars, my mom wanted to know if she should bring her own music. My cousin said that she had music prepared, but that she could accommodate my mom's request if she had one.

There was one song my mom wanted to hear: "Happy," obviously. Thinking the song too upbeat for a relaxing atmosphere, my cousin suggested that she play the song before the massage started instead. "Or after," she offered. "I could definitely play the song after."

It's pathetic that I couldn't stop myself from ruining a nice moment with an inappropriate comment, but I had to ask: "You're going to give my mom a 'Happy' ending?!" My cousin did not appreciate the implication.

2014-05-01

The Camel



This is my cousin’s rendition of a camel.

You’re probably envisioning a young kid, but no, he’s of drinking age (though we sadly can’t blame booze for this monstrosity) and obviously not an artist.

We were playing a sort of Pictionary-esque game, and he genuinely didn’t seem to notice how phallic his “camel” was when he sketched it quickly. He handed the picture to his sister to guess what it was and she abruptly tried to quit the game. ”You’re gross! This is obscene! I’m not playing this game anymore!”

The rest of us - unable to see the picture - were confused. What in the hell could be so disturbing that she’s threatening to quit?

She ultimately guessed watering can. I guess that’s one way to try to make it family-friendly again.

2014-04-21

Dick Is A Dick

Surprise: Dick is still a dick.

I didn't include this anecdote in that article 'cause I have to pretend to be at least somewhat professional, but I was on a hike a few years ago when Lexi got a Google Alert on her cell phone that she misinterpreted.

"Guys, I think Dick Cheney is dead!" she said. I swear, you've never seen four grown adults so enthusiastic about someone dying in your life. The bad news came only after we learned that, no, Dick Cheney was not in fact dead. I don't know that I've ever felt more disappointed in my life than when I found out this man was still alive to spread evil around the world.


2014-04-16

Paper Mashie

So my friend teaches at a charter school. She's certified to teach Science, but because of the way the school is structured, she winds up teaching some English, too. The district eventually learned that kids were receiving instruction from a non-certified English teacher, so they arranged for an "English specialist" to show up part-time at the school to supplement lessons. Though my friend studied English in college and has been teaching reading and writing for years now, she understands the law that forced the change; it just kind of sucks because the money to pay the supplemental instructor must be taken from the charter school's already limited budget.

Here's the kicker, though: the English specialist the district has provided is only questionably literate herself. Here is the honest-to-gosh assignment she gave to my friend's students to do in conjunction with the Holocaust memoir Night:



What kind of English teacher doesn't use punctuation? What kind of English teacher doesn't write out the word "you"? What kind of English teacher uses the wrong type of "there" incorrectly twice in one sentence?

As much as I am laughing at things like "arty project", "paper mashie", and her botched cut and paste job that repeats part of the assignment a second time, this is actually tragic. In what world is my friend not qualified to teach English while this woman (who has had her job for over 15 years, mind you) is considered a "specialist"? I like her claim that she will take "of" [sic] points for spelling and grammar errors, as if she has any idea what those are.

Granted, when I was a high school English teacher, the essay I assigned in conjunction with the book Night resulted in at least one epically awful student paper. That's still not a good excuse for someone brought in specifically to teach writing to arbitrarily assign an art project rather than an essay. The public education system is fucked. It is so so so so fucked.

2014-04-13

Ridiculous Songs from Eurovision 2014



There's just ONE MONTH until Eurovision 2014 and I'm stoked. Per tradition at this blog, I've compiled my favorite ridiculous entries that will compete this year. They're total WTF videos, but who said awesome and awful were mutually exclusive?

Some additional commentary:
15. Sir-Shakes-A-Lot sure whistles better than he sings.
14. Poor man's Bruno Mars is "all about party time."
13. This is this woman's third consecutive attempt (San Marino's small, y'all) at Eurovision, and thus far she hasn't made it past the semifinals. I doubt that spoken word and nipples are going to be enough to do the trick.
12. I'm not following that lady anywhere.
11. She's (quite confidently) "pretty", but she's not naive or easy. Got it?! Also, hot dance moves, baldy.
10. I'd be more down with tolerance if it didn't look so gay.
9. I've just been screaming, "I'm not an animal in captivity!" at random lately.
8. Starting a song with a screech, sexy writhing, and the lyric "We belong to each other/Like a sister to a brother" -- gotta love that incest.
7. All right, stop shaving your upper-lip, then.
6. These out-there folks are way further than three minutes from earth. 
5. Hideous costumes, over-enthusiastic background dancers and singers… and then the giant flags come out. The more elements they add, the tackier it gets.
4. Tits! That's one way to try to get votes, I guess.
3. What's not to love about a bearded lady in a tub of rose petals singing a James Bond-esque anthem? 2. The Belorussian Robin Thicke is not as smooth as he hopes. Nice "Google Maps" reference, though.
1. They've got a cake to bake, what more do you need to know? The songwriter actually said he penned this song to encourage men to ask for directions, and I have to imagine that men are now getting that message loud and clear!

2014-04-02

Foolish Wedding

I didn't fall for anything on April Fools' Day this year. It's kind of like how I can't get scared in a haunted house - I just have my guard up too much. I might have had my guard up too much, though.

I have a pair of friends who, for the past couple of April 1sts, have pretended to get married on Facebook to dupe their loved ones. Though it worked two years consecutively, this year, their friends were ready… so they did a double reverse and actually got married on April Fools' Day.

Hilariously, no one believed them. I didn't either initially. By the end of the day, however, I sensed the sincerity in their comments to each other and I realized, wow, they found out a way to announce on social media that they got married and instead of getting many "congratulations", they got a bunch of "liars!" and "you guys are dicks!" As the bride points out, normally a post like that gets 100 likes within an hour, but no one was biting this time.

Who cares about their lifelong commitment… I'm more impressed with their commitment to the joke!