The Fire Drill

When I was a young kid, our town had a “Fire Safety Week”, so my mom thought it would be a good idea to run a fire drill in our own home to learn an escape plan in case of an emergency.

From my bedroom, my best route outside was down the staircase and out the front door. At our house, though, the front door was mainly ornamental. We always entered and exited through one of the side doors, so the front door actually stayed double latched.

For the drill, my parents sounded a fake alarm. I ran down the stairs to the door. Seconds were of the essence in this hypothetical scenario, but I struggled with the locks and couldn’t get the door open. When I didn’t arrive at the the designated meeting area out front, my parents came to look for me as I still tried to get the door open.

My mom showed me how to open the door, but when she put it to me to replicate what she had done, I still couldn’t figure out how to unlock it on my own. After a couple more of my failed attempts, she said, “I’m sure in a real emergency you’d figure out how to open it.”

Yeah, good drill. HOW AM I EVEN STILL ALIVE?

Bowled Over

Kevin: [pointing and laughing at a kid near us who somehow managed to get his bowling ball stuck in the gutter DESPITE having the bumpers up]
Amber: [whispers] Don't do that! He's mentally handicapped.
Kevin: Oh my gosh! I didn't realize! Whoops!
Amber: I'm just kidding, I was trying to make you feel bad.
Kevin: [swats at Amber] Ugh, you're horrible, I believed you!
[a few minutes later]
Amber: You know, I think that kid is actually mentally handicapped after all.
Kevin: I was just starting to realize that myself…

WHOOPS X2!

(Moral: don't call someone mentally handicapped because they might actually be mentally handicapped.)

Bag of Butts

Huh? I refuse to click on the link on principle because I'm committed to whatever the opposite of "keeping up" with the Kardashians is, but I'm really curious about what a "bag of butts"is. It sounds like the punchline to a joke my sister would tell when she was ten.

"What'd you get me for Christmas?"

"A bag of butts!"  

We Don't Go to Church on Christmas Eve Anymore

For most of my life, I've attended TWO services on Christmas Eve: one protestant and one Catholic to appease both sides of my family. I'm no longer obligated to attend either, though, not because I'm old enough to make my own decisions, but because the churches have forced our hands.

The protestant church stopped being a requirement when the married minister got a teenager in the congregation pregnant. Surprisingly, church-goers found it difficult to stomach hearing the dude preach the good word after that, my family included.

After a prolonged process, the church hired a new pastor. He's easily 350 pounds. I can't help but guess that he was chosen in part because they figured no teenage girl would want to have sex with him. I suppose we could start going to church again because of the new pastor, but the whole thing is tarnished. Christmas especially - all of the celebration over a religious birth from a young, unwed mother still hits a little too close to home after the last guy, if you get my drift.

Right now you may be thinking, "If that's what stops you from going to the protestant church, the Catholic church story must be downright scandalous!"

It's not, though. There are no sexy secrets that I know of at this particular Catholic church, but even supposing that the priest knocked up a teen girl, they'd just call the baby a miracle and put it in the manger for the nativity play. By now, Catholics have just learned to ignore the hypocrisy - the sermon could literally be about the virtues of being a ChiMo and you'd still have one thousand people sitting in the pews because it's Christmas Eve and you can't skip church on Christmas Eve.

I am the exception that gets to skip church on Christmas Eve, however, because the Catholic side of my family is now mostly dead, so there's not much peer pressure. Besides, the sermons are awful. The priest literally just reads Christian-themed email forwards as his sermons like the bogus one about the hero marine punching an atheist professor (fucking liberals!) on God's behalf. One Christmas, the sermon was about a disfigured man who started going to an Australian Catholic church for solace - the priest then hooked the ugly man up with a talented plastic surgeon and made him into a handsome man. That man went on to be… ACTOR MEL GIBSON! First, I don't get what this tale had to do with Christmas, but second, as any idiot who has visited Snopes can tell you, the story is absolutely not true. Then again, if the priest had a problem dressing up falsehoods as fact, he'd be in a different profession altogether.

Even with all of that in mind, the number one reason we don't attend the Catholic service anymore is actually the choir. It is the worst choir you've ever heard. It's a buncha adults bleating out Christmas hymns as if they were goats. They couldn't be more out of tune if they tried. Maybe at rehearsals half of them practice going sharp, while the other half goes flat just to mess the congregation. When I briefly entertained the thought of attending mass this year, I then remembered this one hellbeast's annual solo/slaughtering of "O' Holy Night" and decided that the nicest gift I could give to my ears this holiday is not putting them through that.

So, yeah, no church for me. And I'm pretty okay with that.

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

17 With Him

Hmm, is this an appropriate way to interact with a Facebook "friend" I haven't had contact with in many years?

BEST MUSIC VIDEO OF ALL TIME

"Best music video of all time" is the kind of praise that someone says hyperbolically, and then repeats for another music video three months later, but I feel pretty confident I will never retract my feelings of adoration for "All Night Long."

The Lionel Richie song was released two months after I was born, but somehow I didn't realize how amazing it was until hanging out with friends Saturday night. I still can't figure out how it popped into my head originally, but I put it on Spotify. And that I put it on Spotify again. Over the course of the night, I think we listened to the song about ten times. Each time was as good as the first, and by 2 am we were just full on dancing to it on repeat. We turned the title into something literal.

When I got home in the wee hours, I somehow still wasn't sick of the song, which is when I watched the music video. I didn't think the song could be improved upon, but the visuals are killer. Richie has Michael Jackson's "Beat It" outfit on loan six months too late, but instead of interacting with hooligans, Richie is prancing around with disillusioned 80s people in bright pastels. With Richie's help, everyone is transformed by the power of dancing in the street.

My favorite part is obviously the youngest girl in traditional dress who is way late on her cue and clearly doesn't know the steps, but is still too cute to edit out of the final cut of the video. But my second favorite part is a 500-way tie for all of the other dancers. I want to learn every person's individual moves because it makes me so happy.

If I hire a choreographer, would you all help me recreate this music video? It's all I want to do with my life.

Trans Fats

"When I heard about the trans fats ban, my first thought was, [whispers] 'I hope Chili's is okay.'"

- my roommate; Chili's #1 fan

Person of the Year

There, I fixed it for you.

I mean, the Pope is still one of the surprisingly raddest dudes around, butlet’s not pretend that Edward Snowden didn’t twerk all over our fascist oppressors this year.

(And as someone who has twice been Time's Person of the Year, I obviously know what I’m talking about.)

Caterpillar

Poll: Am I dumber for mistaking a green bean for a caterpillar or for thinking that a caterpillar would somehow respond to my whistle?

THE BARONESS IS DEAD

I've seen a lot of internet jokes about how NBC's awful "Sound of Music Live" special must have killed the original baroness, but if we're being honest, the lady who played the new baroness was the only good part* of the whole musical. It was almost ridiculous that she had to pretend she was threatened by country Maria's looks, personality, and singing ability when the baroness had her beat in all three categories. For the first time, I found myself rooting for Captain Von Trapp to stick with the baroness, even if it meant aligning with the Nazis.

If anything, maybe Eleanor Parker died because out of that whole swastika-emblazoned shit show, the new actress proved that the original baroness could actually be replaced. "Why couldn't Carrie Underwood have played my role?" she probably shouted on her death bed.

It's funny how the baroness has retroactively become my favorite part of The Sound of Music, thanks in main part to a Melinda Taub article published on McSweeney's. If you're familiar with the musical, "I Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled" is one of the funniest things you can read. I'm tempted to just quote the whole damn thing, but I'll restrict myself to one of many favorite lines: "I had planned to send [the kids] to boarding school since their education at the moment seems to consist mostly of marching around Salzburg singing scales. I think it would have been particularly helpful for the eldest daughter who seems intent on losing her virginity to the mailman."


* Well, her and Kurt. That kid was definitely putting the other child actors to shame.

Help!

Help! I just absentmindedly shampooed my body and body washed my hair. Am I going to die?


brb, gonna ask Yahoo Answers where I'll get some real help