I Remember When I Was in College

I have an annoying coworker who's so clueless, he puts the "aloof" in "a loofah." (All right, that doesn't make complete sense, but don't act like you won't be repeating that one.) When two people were discussing a film they'd seen the previous weekend, he interrupted to declare, "I... love... movies! They're so good." I wonder if he was surprised to find that his pointless approval of the entirety of cinema immediately killed the conversation. He also randomly says things like "catch you on the flip side" and "fo' shizzle" with sincerity, which just stand to waste my time, because then I have to take a few seconds to turn my head so that I may roll my eyes undetected.

At least once a week, I hear the sad story of how he had to grow up quickly, having recently graduated from college, started a full-time job, moved into his first apartment, and got married all in the span of a month. Well who told him to do all that at once? What's worse is that he always says to single coworkers things like "When you're married..." as if he's some kind of expert after mere weeks of marriage. And shouldn't people wait until at least the half-year anniversary before referring to their spouse as "the old ball-and-chain?"

Today, he sent me an unsolicited email with a link to MonsterTrak saying, "I remember how hard it was to find a job when I was in college. I'm sure you'll figure it all out." First of all, leave me alone. Second of all, he's not allowed to say "I remember... when I was in college" when he was in college just three months ago. Third of all, he got his job here immediately after completing an internship with us, so it's not like it was even "hard" for him to find this job. Fourth of all, why is he presuming I'm looking to figure something out? Thanks for the vote of confidence, anyway, asshat!

I made it my goal a while back not to be this guy when I grow up, but I just learned that he'll be celebrating his twenty-second birthday next week, which means I'm actually older than him by a couple of months. This discovery has thrown me all out of whack. I've always been afraid of becoming a tool of his magnitude when I get older, but I never realized it was possible to achieve that status already by my age. He's actually very accomplished... at sucking.