Writing for Dummies

Reading a text book tonight, I become enraged. The crap I’m reading is the most trite bullshit ever to be printed about “Rules of Writing;” each one of the “101 unconventional lessons” contained within are absolute rubbish, ranging from ideas that are obvious, pretentious, or flat-out wrong. Deciding to make the assignment fun in my own way, I fill the margins with my witty criticisms that include “Fuck that!” and “I want to poop in your head.”

On the eleventh page, I read the following gem:

If there’s one question successful writers get asked at virtually every public event they attend, it’s “Where do you get your ideas?” –as if they could tell you, “Oh, yeah, there’s this great little shop on the corner of Lexington and Twenty-Third. But go early, because the fresh ideas are gone by ten. Would that there were such a shop. The line would be around the block.

Not only is this snippet not funny, but I’ve heard it said before – by my professor in class last week! Did my professor plagiarize? Glancing at the cover, I discover that no plagiary occurred: my professor wrote this book.

Great. I had been looking forward to openly trashing this book in class tomorrow. Now what can I expect to learn from a person who suggests the key to good writing is to “stop reading?” Furthermore, what poor form for this imbecile to assign his own paperback, the most unhelpful book since How to Draw Stick Figures; I’m certain his students account for his only sales.

Tomorrow, I’m going to try to get a refund for this book at the bookstore, which may be difficult considering that I bought it new and it now features a giant drawing of me decapitating my professor on the inside cover.