Speech! Speech!

Tonight I'm helping Michael Michael with his speech for tomorrow's ground breaking ceremony. And by helping, I really mean distracting. That's not to say none of my ideas are constructive, (see, that's a pun on the construction project in play), but he seems to think my material might be too controversial. I'll readily admit that my golden line "this erecting is giving me an erection" might be risky, but you have to make yourself vulnerable to the audience in order to win them over. Come on - this is a three minute speech by the student body president at a small liberal arts college's PR photo opportunity, so if it's not as memorable as "I have a dream" or "Four score and twenty years ago," you're going to have a lot of disappointed people.

Starting the speech is difficult; we debate the merits of beginning with "Good afternoon, everyone" and "How y'all feeling?" My compromise is to say, "Good afternoon, everyone" and follow it by an awkward pause before finally saying angrily, "I said, 'How y'all feeling?'" to make everyone think they aren't paying attention. Gotta keep 'em on their toes, you know?

Since the administration stressed he must acknowledge the donors in this speech, we develop an audience participation section that will ask each of the rich families "which one wants these new dorms the most?" The old stiffs that holla back the loudest, as judged by the applause-o-meter, will have the building named after them be the place where all the cool kids want to live. And it's not just any applause-o-meter: Michael Michael will lift his shirt according to the amount of volume each donor produces, so if anyone wants to see his nipples, they're gonna have to be loud.

This speech'll be awesome.

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