Euphemisms Should Buy the Farm

Not all euphemisms are better than their counterparts. How does “choking the chicken” create a better mental image than “masturbating?” All it does is make me think about animal cruelty and contemplate becoming a vegetarian in addition to picturing masturbation.

Growing up in my house, you couldn’t say “fart.” Mind you, you could fart all day long (thanks, Dad,) but saying the word was out of the question. Instead, it was referred to as a “diaper burp,” which is disturbing in so many ways. Besides, by the time we were using the term, we were out of diapers and on to soiling our Days-of-the-Week underwear.

At dinner, Katie, in a very serious manner, posed a question to those at the table: “Does anyone ever get creepy in the butthole?”

There’s a lot of nervous laughter as no expected the conversation to arrive at that topic, at least not so suddenly. It takes a while to discover she’s actually referring to some sensation she gets when she gets scared and a nerve travels down her back to her butthole. “Creepy in the butthole” is just a term she coined to describe this phenomenon.

Naturally, I was embarrassed when I had to retract my admission of having gotten creepy in the butthole.