A Meth-od to My Madness

Tonight was the second time I heard a reference to a freshman named "Meth Jeff." In less than two weeks, this kid has earned himself a bitching nickname; it reminds me how uninvolved I was during my first year at school: it wasn't until sophomore year that I earned the monicker "Cockslap Kevin." But Meth Jeff, that's a name to hang your hat on. And do meth with. Meth Jeff! Some people just have it... and by it, I mean meth.

According to Lacey, meth is also known as "Tina." Well, it was at some lame gay bar (sounds like an oxymoron to me) she went to in West Hollywood. Apparently, homosexuals (or "the gays" as someone in my class referred to them as) named it after icon Tina Turner. So Tina is just gay meth; if you do Tina and are straight, you might as well be taking a placebo. I don't know whether Meth Jeff has been to this particular bar, but I presume not because then he'd be called Tina Jeff and have two first names like Tiffany-Amber Thiessen, who also loves meth. Actually, that's just hearsay, but I do know for a fact that her friend Jesse Spano was addicted to caffeine pills.

Anyway, Meth Jeff's name inspired us to add to Jessica's time-tested "Hand Job Jess." "Hand Job Junky Jess" has a nicer ring to it, not to mention that it includes a mission statement of sorts and 50% more alliteration. Meth Jeff wishes he had a name as cool as that. He also wishes he were cool enough to support his drug habit with sexual favors.

Not only did Jess give up her straight-edge status for meth, she's recently, after a life of refusing to swear, began to say the word "hell" -- gone are the days of H-E-double hockey sticks. I decided that with this transition, she should adopt the slang term "hella" into her vocabulary, which is funny because even the bleachiest blonde Californian has now stopped saying "hella." Suddenly, Jess is "hella hungry" and has "hella reading to do." And if you withhold on your meth payment, she'll tell you to "go to hella."