Ink Is the New Pink

Right now, my dirty laundry is separated into two piles. No, not whites and colors, that's for more civilized people. My clothing fits into two categories: ink-stained and not ink-stained. I have had several unfortunate run-ins with exploding pens recently. In Boston, I got caught in the rain with a pen in my pocket and it went all over my pants. Later at Six Flags, the water ride soaked me and, in turn, a pen, also ruining my shorts. Then I made the mistake of doing a load of laundry with a pen in it, and it not only destroyed some shorts, but marked several shirts with stray ink blots as well. So yeah, a lot of my clothes are ruined, including my Women of Virtue Conference 2001 t-shirt.

Before my family starts rejoicing, I must admit that I am not going to be getting rid of this stained attire. Remember when torn jeans were trendy? At some point, somebody accidentally ripped eir jeans and rather than declaring them ruined, decided to call it a fashion statement. Soon after, people were, nonsensically, intentionally putting holes in their pants. I'm going to lead a similar trend, but with ink spots. It's going to be cool to have black and blue blots bleeding in random positions around the pockets, crotch, and rear. People will be rubbing leaking pens all over their clothes for that authentic ink-stained look. Sure, shake your head now, but when Shakira is featured on the cover of Rolling Stone with a large round ebony blotch resting prominently on the backside of her tight pants, you're going to wish that you stained your wardrobe sooner.

As you'll recall on Saved by the Bell, the only television show that mattered to my generation, the nerds wore pocket protectors. Need I remind you, nerds are super uncool. If it's uncool to protect your pocket, then it must be cool to have pen stains. Of course, if you're intellectual enough to follow that logic, you're probably already on board with my new style. That's because you already realize that everyone would be a walking Rorschach Inkblot Test. Finally, a fashion craze that really says something about you.