Bringing New Meaning To "Hooking Up"

Jessica, my primary source of knowledge about all things women, explains a new product, an anti-rape female condom, that women insert in their vaginas. Evidently, the device has hooks on it that will firmly attach to the penis, causing intense pain and requiring a medical professional to remove, thus providing an easy way of locating and apprehending these criminals. Sounds great, huh?

Apparently, even major women's groups are extremely critical of this product. Firstly, they argue that it doesn't actually prevent rape, as the predator has to penetrate the victim for it to be effective. Secondly, the rapists often become so enraged after being prick-pricked that they violently beat the victim in retaliation, thus rendering it more dangerous for the women. Thirdly, it hurts their penises.

I have several concerns of my own. I mean, if the same women who are evil enough to wear a revealing enough outfit that they are "asking" for it get a hold of these things, who's to say they won't "forget" to take it out during a consensual act? And then, of course, there are the women who may legitimately forget they are wearing one; let's not forget the reasons why we refused to give women the right to vote for so long.

Kat brings up the point that if these become commonplace, it'll probably lead to a lot more cases of anal rape. Ah, what insight; that's what we keep her around for. Now I wonder: should I be wearing one of these in my anus? Will I need to remove it to poop? Will I be most vulnerable to rape when I am on the toilet?

As I imagine it, these devices work similarly to one of those strips that will puncture your tires if you're traveling the wrong way. That kind of thing scares me, because if I can't be watching it at all times, I don't know which way it's starting to poke. I inquire whether women can wear the equipment while they pee, which inspires Jessica to give me a speech about the parts of the female anatomy. No, I didn't mean it as ignorantly as she seems to think I meant it, but in that things move... stick with me here, though many of you will wish you hadn't.... do you ever have the experience where you sit on the toilet, needing to do both functions, but you aren't sure which will come out first, so you just start clenching and moving muscles until you're surprised by which one emerges from your body first? There's been times I was about to do one (or two, for that matter) and then, boom, the other decides to cut in line. For this reason, my concern is that unless you have some mighty fine muscle control, you might be repositioning things you'd rather not. There is a quick concession in regards to how crapping can propel tampons. Kat shares my perspective, too, being equally afraid of movement in that area. Imagining the horrific possibilities, she cringes, "Shift happens!" Hence, another classic unintentional pun is born.

My name is Kevin, and I do not endorse putting hooked creations in your vagina.