The Big M

A few weeks ago, Kline enters my room and asks how I am doing. I tell her "fine," or some approximation that does not matter. She follows up with, "How's the Big M?" "The Big M?" I ask. "Sure, you don't know the Big M?" she asks back. I tell her that I'm thinking Menopause. Kline seems surprised by this answer; when I ask her what she says it is, she retorts, "I would think it would be marriage." She is so insistent upon this fact that we Google "the big M" to see who is more correct, and find that while Oprah refers to menopause as the Big M, several publications use the same term for marriage. After conceding that The Big M could be marriage, I ask her why she asked me how marriage was moments before. "Oh, no, I was referring to Michael," she says. "Since when is he the Big M?" I counter. To my knowledge, no one has ever called Michael the Big M. "I can't believe you wouldn't think it was Michael," she gushes, but two minutes after arguing wholeheartedly that the Big M stands for marriage.

After believing I'd never hear about the Big M again, last night Kline randomly asks Michael Michael if he were to hear "The Big M," what he'd think it means. Floundering for a guess, Michael Michael finally asks if it has to do with his name being "Michael." Kline notes that, yes, that's ironic, but she is trying marriage. Not only is Michael Michael bewildered, I am too, given our previous conversation. I try to clarify what little I can by explaining the marriage/menstruation debate. As Kline is defending her marriage support, mid-sentence she cuts herself off and decides that, no, The Big M should stand for Masturbation. I start laughing, but not for the reasons she seems to think, because she defends her newly acquired stance with, "I would say masturbation is definitely more widespread than marriage."

That's right, folks. This week's words of wisdom are: "Masturbation is definitely more widespread than marriage."