Tonya Hard-On

My Media & Sexuality class is slowly killing me. Earlier this week, I watched the infamous Deep Throat, the highest grossing pornographic film of all time. It’s about a woman who doesn’t receive pleasure from sex. After one last attempt wherein she has intercourse with no fewer than a dozen men, she decides it’s time to see a doctor. The quack diagnoses her as having her clitoris at the back of her throat, insisting that she will orgasm if she gives fellatio, which, of course, he promptly demonstrates. In the end, out of nowhere, she accepts a marriage proposal from a man who wants to rape her. Presumably, they live happily ever after. Meanwhile, I ran to watch The Amazing Race: Family Edition to cleanse my pallet.

For a paper for the aforementioned class, I’m looking to obtain a copy of the film Tonya Hard-On. Apparently, it’s an exciting romp featuring a threesome between actors portraying Tonya Harding, Nancy Kerrigan, and that guy that busted Nancy’s knee. (I suppose it’s likely that said knee-buster might be playing himself, considering he’s probably not up to much better, except for maybe a prison sentence.) In the flick, Nancy Kerrigan, not having enough attention paid to her, whines “Why not me?” or so I’ve read in the cleverly-titled article “Crackers and Whackers: the White-Trashing of Porn” in my Porn Studies text. Unfortunately, in my journey to two sex shops today, I found it at neither one. At one location, when I asked if they had “Tonya Hard-On” in stock, the two cashiers laughed at me. Excuse me? If I asked them for a DVD of a leprechaun mounting a pig, they would probably direct me to aisle five without passing any judgment, but when I request a little movie about consensual sex between rival figure skaters, I get laughed at. Fuck them! Actually, no, they’d probably enjoy it too much.