Get a Room

In the corner of the dining hall, two people sit, paying more attention to each other than their food. Between each bite, they kiss. He won’t keep his hands off of her, stroking his arm up and down her leg. Together they share food off the same plate. She cuts his meat for him, which might seem unnecessary until you realize that his hands are otherwise occupied, nearing closer and closer to her crotch. Throughout it all, they never speak a word to each other: presumably, their lust is enough to sustain a quality relationship. Besides, why speak when they can rub their partner’s buttocks in public? Of course, my friends and I can’t stop staring. If they’re going to be so openly amorous, I think it’s only fair to make them the object of our ridicule.

When he gets up, a family with several young children sits at the adjacent table. Returning, the guy brings two slices of pie, having so chivalrously chosen the dessert for his beloved. They exchange bites of their pie via some intense mouth-to-mouth action, not of the CPR variety. She pats his back extensively, not of the Heimlich variety. Though it does seem like they should be choking, the way they’re gnawing on each other’s tongues. Now, even the children are watching. Stop it! Stop it!

“Are you watching that couple?” a stranger at the table next to mine asks.
“It’s pretty disgusting,” I acknowledge.

Evidently, the entire wing of the dining hall is mocking the spectacle. Amazingly, the couple remains oblivious to anything but one another, inappropriately touching for the remainder of the meal.

Get a room, and by that, I do not mean the cafeteria.