I Just Called to Say I Lard You

A while ago, I found an abandoned sweatshirt that I've taken a liking to, so I wear it sometimes, particularly when it's cold. After hearing that it might belong to someone specifically, I did my best to conceal the fact that I was wearing it whenever I was around her. Finally, my secret was revealed, but fortunately, it turned out the sweatshirt did not belong to her. Shortly thereafter, I expressed relief to her that it was not hers, because if it had been, I would have had to tell her she looked fat in it so that she wouldn't want it anymore.

Apparently, some people found this comment offensive. But here's the thing: I would never make a "fat" reference to anyone I thought was actually fat in the slightest. So you see, essentially, if I'm calling someone fat, it should be taken as a compliment. Understanding this rationale, Tanya said, "You can call me fat anytime." Then I called her "lard" and we embraced. I'm such a charmer.