I'm Better Than You

Flipping through an old celebrity magazine, I learned that Paris Hilton stole Mary Kate Olsen's boyfriend shortly after splitting with her fiance. Intriguingly, the fiance and the boyfriend are both Greek shipping heirs. Is this a fad I'm missing out on? Are Greek shipping heirs the new Kabbalah? Furthermore, what exactly are Greeks shipping that's making them fortunes? The only Greek export I'm aware of is John Stamos, which is most definitely a Freudian explanation for how Mary Kate wound up with one in the first place.

From another source, I learned that Paris Hilton's boyfriend (which I'm guessing is neither of the Greek shipping heirs because the stories were dated a month apart and we all know the only things Paris commits to are frequent yeast infections, unless of course it's a new Greek shipping heir entirely given how desirable they seem to be) paid a homeless person $100 to pour a soda on his own head. It's quite disgusting that anyone would flaunt eir wealth for a laugh of that sort, but what would one expect from someone who dates Paris Hilton? It's all quite despicable.

Tonight, I shared a late-night snack at The Hat. The Hat offers "world famous" pastrami; I had a cheeseburger. Short on change, Mike asked if he could have three cents. Grabbing the money out of my wallet, I accidentally dropped the first penny on the ground. After he bent down to pick it up, a mean streak came over me and I threw the others at his feet as well, forcing him to take my charity in a manner like the bum he is. And you know what? It was fun. Maybe I have it in me to date Paris Hilton after all. Plus, I once transported the film My Big Fat Greek Wedding to and from the video store, which practically makes me a Greek shipping heir in my own right.