Trick or Treat?

Each Halloween, my parents kindly send me a themed care package. Typically, they include either candy or cookies and, because I'm only a twenty-something, a toy of some sort. Last year, I received a jack-o-lantern-shaped doggie chew toy. When I called to ask my mom whether I should be insulted, she said she hadn't realized it was a dog toy. Whatever. Deciding to get revenge, I chewed it thoroughly and told her so, knowing it would be embarrassing for her to picture her child walking around campus gnawing on a squeaky toy.

This year, amidst a box of frosted ghost cookies, I found a spooky sounds cassette tape. Oh geez, just what I've always wanted! Resisting my initial urge to toss it in the trash, I played it to amuse my friends. The first noises were dumb: half-hearted witch cackles and dogs growling, most likely upset from having not received their pumpkin chew toy. Then came a long sequence of heavy breathing. As the panting continued, it sounded progressively less frightening and more sexual. Soon, sounds of moaning alternated with the breathing, contributing to the erotic tone. When these noises finally stopped, it culminated with a woman screaming. Turning to the other side of the tape, we heard a chain saw, organ music, and what was probably supposed to be bat wings flapping. The flapping faded to multiple cracks of a whip with someone groaning after each crack. Once the whipping was over, it was time for some firm smacking, the distinct sound of spanking, each of which was followed by moans. This ritual carried on for more than five minutes. Now, I'm not saying that S&M isn't scary in its own way, but are these really the "spooky" sounds one would be expecting when buying this tape?

I think I'm going to send this tape back to my parents and demand that they play it loudly for the trick-or-treaters and find out how long it takes before they shut it off in mortification.