Show Us the Birth Certificate!

Relax, this has nothing to do with Obama, though I am still skeptical on that matter. This time I refer to Arnold Schwarzenegger. I know he's bravely openly Austrian (the new gay), but I demand to see the birth certificates of all of his kids, legitimate and otherwise. Isn't that just like an immigrant to abandon the children he fathers and leave them to live off the government teat?

Like other great politicians before him (e.g. John Edwards, Thomas Jefferson), Schwarzenegger has allegedly hasta-la-vista-ed a baby with his hired* help. I have a lot of respect for a woman who defiantly keeps the baby of a man named the Terminator. Then again, I lose a lot of respect for a woman who sleeps with a man named the Terminator - unprotected, no less. Hasn't she seen Junior? Men don't get any more fertile than that.

The media insists on calling the kid a "love child." The kids he had with his wife are just children, but the baby he conceived during an extramarital affair -- that's love. I suppose it's better to use the euphemism than "bastard", particularly in this instance when when everyone will be referring to his dad by the same term. I'm sure Maria is no exception - you know how seriously the Kennedy family takes fidelity.

I'm pretty excited to see some egg on Schwarzenegger's face again, mainly because he handles it so well. In all sincerity, he will never be able to lose 100% of my respect since getting hit with an egg by a protester in 2003. "This guy owes me bacon... you can't just have eggs without bacon!" is the best retort ever.



Now stop fertilizing eggs and serve some breakfast to your kids, Arnold.

* To be fair, Sally Hemings was not "hired".