My Secret Ascension

Shhh. Can you readers keep a secret?

I've gone into seclusion and cut off all other forms of communication. No texts, phone calls, emails, or face-to-face contact. After a prolonged period of my absence, people will start to wonder where I am.

"I haven't heard from him since Saturday evening," someone will say.
"It's as if he vanished off the face of the earth," someone will wonder aloud.
"If I didn't know better, I'd guess he was raptured," a third will chime in.
"Yeah, but the rapture didn't happen," the dick of the group will say.
"But if anyone were to be called to heaven by God, it would be Kevin," someone will defend.
"He is the most righteous and amazing person I have ever known," someone will agree.
"You're right, Kevin was probably the only person on earth deemed worthy of rapturing," the dick of the group will concede.
"Glory be to Kevin," they will chant in unison.

Not only will this well-timed absence do wonders for my reputation, I'll be a folk hero when I magically reappear. I'll claim that God un-raptured me as a messenger, and write a bunk book about my time in heaven like that asshole little kid. And rather than using my stature for fame, fortune, and evil like most religious extremists, I'll share "controversial" messages, like that God loves peace and homos and would prefer that you spend more time doing good things for other people than praising Him.

Okay, remember to keep this scoop on the down-low. I'll see you on the other-other side.