How I Prevented the Apocalypse

I've made a lot of jokes in recent days about the end of the world, but allow me to get serious for a moment:

On Saturday, I prevented the apocalypse by converting to Mormonism.

Okay, converting might be too strong a word, but I did spend my afternoon dressed as a Mormon missionary. I got talked into participating in a charity dodgeball tournament and my team chose Mormon missionaries as our costume theme. Other teams were things like Black Jesus, Heaven and Hell, and Victorious Secret Angels (who sported a lot of T&A). One other team also showed up dressed as Mormons, and we joked that we would see them in the finals.

It didn't take more than a couple games worth of sweat for us to change out of our long slacks and bike helmets. While I didn't play awesomely, I didn't embarrass myself, which is what matters to me most as one of the newer players.

Since the world was about to end, other teams were playing super competitively. Part of the reason I joined the league was because the motto is "Don't Be a Dick" and I admire that. When you have adults playing a kids' game, it tends to attract a lot of assholes, so I liked that this league emphasizes fun first. Unfortunately, the dicks all showed up anyway. The constant fighting and swearing made the whole atmosphere uncomfortable.

It got so bad that I was actively praying that our team would be eliminated so that I could go home. But like a true Mormon, I learned that your prayers aren't always answered. Unfortunately (?), my team was surprisingly strong and we kept eliminating other teams. I never thought we'd be there for the full six hours, but our chants of "Utah!" "Joseph Smith!" "BYU!" "Bicycle!" and "Polygamy!" carried us all the way to the finals where we faced... the other Mormon team. TELL ME that's not divine intervention. If you're thinking of choosing a new religion, consider Mormonism - it's clearly God's favorite.

Before the championship game, both Mormon teams came together and vowed to be happy for each other to override the poor sportsmanship that had prevailed throughout the day. "Throw with love!" we chanted, and in that moment, I truly felt like they were all my sister-wives. While the other team ended up winning, I think it's safe to say that Mormons everywhere won that day, and I consider myself an important part of that victory.

More imperatively, we stopped the apocalypse. I can only speculate as to why God changed his mind about ending the world on Saturday, but I'd be willing to bet it had everything to do with us Mormon teams showing love and decency toward one another. Seeing that, God realized that he had some wonderful followers and that humanity deserves a second chance.

Let's all just be thankful that none of the players accidentally pegged God in the nuts with a ball, or this planet would be in shambles right now.

1 comment:

Martin said...

truly, you are a hero for the ages! thanks on behalf of the rest of the world.