10 Things to Say to a Creed Fan

My friend Lena knows a guy who is a big fan of Creed, and now she has made it her mission to convince him that the band’s music sucks. Ever since, she has been trying to enlist my assistance in this project. While I agree that this dude’s taste is questionable, it seems even lamer than being a Creed fan to spend time developing creative insults about musicians that haven’t even been relevant in the past decade. Nevertheless, Lena has pestered me on a daily basis for a couple of weeks now, so I’ve relented. Mainly it’s because I’m afraid: Lena has killed someone before, and how can I be sure she won’t do it again?

With that in mind, here are 10 Things to Say to a Creed Fan:

1. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that when you said, “My favorite band is Creed,” you meant to finish that with “–ence Clearwater Revival.”

2. Speaking of “Higher” I’m going to need a lot more drugs before listening to that song again.

3. Even wolves can’t stand Creed.

4. Did you know Creed used to be called Nickelback? The band had to change its name when concertgoers kept demanding even higher refunds than that.

5. I also aspire to have such reverence for my country that I sing the National Anthem like I’m the lead singer from the Crash Test Dummies.

6. …Or as I like to call him, Scott Stapp infection.

7. Creed has the honor of joining esteemed colleagues Michael Bolton, the Baha Men, and Milli Vanilli as musicians whom people routinely ask, “How the fuck did you win a Grammy?”

8. If the Beatles were arrogant for claiming to be bigger than Jesus, perhaps Scott Stapp is humble for merely trying to be Jesus.

9. I love Creed enough to throw a bottle of Orangina at their faces. Wait, you mean that’s not how you treat someone you love?

10. I always thought that song should be called “With Legs Wide Open.”*

* I include this last one because if you are this desperate to tease a Creed fan, you must secretly want to bone him.

** My best Creed insult might actually come from a real-life interaction my friends and I had with them in 2002. It has a sad ending ☹ ☹