The Jessica Alba Incident

Though it's not on my resume, I used to be a seat filler. As an East Coast transplant who found myself going to college not that far from Hollywood, I practically felt obligated to have a few celebrity experiences to write home about. During my first year of college, my friends and I signed up to attend the VH1 Big in 2002 awards show. It wasn't a respected telecast by any stretch, with most of the award categories being farcical, but it was an excuse to bring together a bunch of B-list stars, and it was my job to sit in their seats if they excused themselves to the restroom.

I thought I was more than qualified to fill a seat given that I have a butt, yet the task was a bit more difficult than that. Since the show was considered a joke, most of the celebrities left immediately after their respective portions of the show were filmed. Consequently, there were a lot of empty seats, so the seat fillers were asked to fill up the additional space by spreading our bodies wide and taking up three seats at a time. Great, my TV debut, and I'm asked to look as fat as possible. The only celebrity who didn't seem to get the memo that it was okay to bail was Frankie Muniz, the star of Malcolm in the Middle. He stayed until the bitter end and was seated a few seats to my left. I had the opportunity to speak to him, but had nothing significant to say. Rather than stroking his ego, I figured that I'd get just as much of a thrill from having him stop and acknowledge my presence. For this reason, I began gyrating my body awkwardly in some sort of weird dance that should never be replicated. Out of the corner of my eye, I spied Frankie staring at me, (rightfully) confused. Hence, I got Frankie Muniz to pause and contemplate me and my behavior briefly. Mission accomplished.

The best of the night, however, is definitely the Jessica Alba incident. My friend Jef was sitting a few seats over in the row in front of me. The woman next to him was stunningly attractive, perhaps one of the most attractive people I had ever seen. Then I realized that I recognized her - she was the girl from the show Dark Angel, Jessica Alba. In 2002, Jessica Alba was not quite the household name that she is today, but she was famous for being a sex symbol, particularly for her one piece spandex outfit she donned on the show.

Jef seemed pretty oblivious to the fact that he was sitting next to one of the hottest people ever, so I felt it my obligation to draw attention to the circumstances so he could savor the moment. I whispered Jef's name and mouthed to him that Jessica Alba was sitting next to him, but he wasn't understanding. Since that didn't work, I tried to whisper the message to no success. "Who? Which girl?" Jef asked. During my next attempt to quietly communicate the news, Jessica Alba turned her head around to face me and gave me a knowing (and beautiful) smile. At some point, my frustration had lowered my discretion, and I guess I had talked loudly and repeatedly enough that while Jef still had no idea he was sitting next to Jessica Alba, Jessica Alba then knew that I was trying to convey that Jessica Alba was sitting next to him, and that I thought she was hot, to boot. I gave Jessica Alba a mortified smile back and to this day feel some schoolboy embarrassment about the incident. I'm willing to intentionally look like an ass in front of Frankie Muniz, but Jessica Alba...

When we were back home, Jef was reamed by everyone for not recognizing that he was sitting next to a goddess, but in my opinion he had already suffered enough punishment: Shortly after the Jessica Alba incident, Jef was instructed to switch to another seat where he spent the better part of the night stuck directly behind Creed.