My Dad Is All That and a Bag of Chips

I just found out that my dad is competing in a triathlon in a few months.

This news concerns me for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it sounds daunting; I don't want my dad getting hurt. Secondly, this makes me look bad. I have to berate myself for an hour just to get myself to jog for fifteen minutes, and here my dad is going to swim a mile, bike twenty-five, and then run six. Show off.

He bikes and runs, so the only part he is worried about is the swimming. He's not an experienced swimmer, and since swimming is the first leg, it could take him out of the triathlon before he even really gets going. Consequently, he's been practicing in a local pool. Immediately after his first training session, he weighed himself and found that he had gained five pounds - that's how much water he swallowed.

My dad's going to have to learn how not to drink the water because, not only will it slow him down, but he's going to be swimming the race in the Hudson River. The Hudson River is so unhygienic that dead bodies request not to be tossed in there. I know that swimming is usually listed with hugging and sharing a toilet on "Things You Can't Get AIDS from Doing," but I'm pretty sure no one has put that theory to the test in the Hudson River. No one is stupid enough to volunteer.

He heard a statistic that stated, because of the current, a bag of Doritos can float a mile down the Hudson River in just under half an hour. I can't find this figure online, but I don't doubt it's validity since I'm sure Doritos bags are just some of millions of pieces of trash bobbing in that river.

Now my dad's motto has been "I can beat a bag of Doritos." Unfortunately, in all his practicing at the pool, he has yet to swim faster than his hypothetical snack food opponent. He hasn't given up, however. Instead he plans to buy a bag of Doritos to put in his office to keep him motivated. If I were in his shoes, I think I'd just eat the bag of Doritos to show it who's boss, but that's probably why I'm not competing in a triathlon.