The Grassroots Activist

Earlier today, a hippie intercepted me in front of Trader Joe's. "Do you want to stop the war in Afghanistan?"

I'm weak, so I was unable to wiggle my way out of hearing her spiel. She kept making liberal points that she knew I would agree with to butter me up. Each time I agreed she insisted on a high five. I'm not rude enough to decline a high five, but it is obnoxious to have to high five someone around ten times over the course of three minutes. Particularly not her hands: she clearly doesn't wash her hair, how can I be sure that she doesn't do the same with her hands?

The hippie wanted me to pay her a monthly membership so that I could receive emails about things I already knew about and agreed with. I declined, but she kept naming different reasons why I might change my mind. After several failed attempts, she asked, "Haven't you ever been part of a grassroots campaign before?"
"Not really," I said.
"Not really sounds like maybe you have," she said.

At this point, I was thoroughly annoyed and wanted to end the conversation ASAP. I thought back to my days in high school when I led a fake campaign against sheep humping that resulted in me being nominated for the Class Activist superlative.

"Well, I once worked to help stop bestiality," I told her.
"Are you serious?" she asked.
"Yeah, it was a big problem where I used to live."
"Oh, wow. Okay... um, thanks for your time."

And that is how I learned how to effectively end conversations with pushy people who want your money: bring up people having sex with animals. You don't even have to say you're in favor of it, just mention it and they won't want to talk to you anymore. I mean, it might not be the first thing I resort to the next time a kid comes to my door peddling newspaper subscriptions, but it's nice to have something to add to my arsenal.

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