Gay Bomb

Recently it has come to light that in the mid-90s, the United States military sought to create a "Gay Bomb," a non-lethal chemical weapon that would be used on enemy troops to turn them into amorous homosexuals who become more interested in having sex with one another than adequately fighting.

My first reaction is to laugh at the absurdity, then be a bit offended, then laugh again because they could never pull it off. The American government clearly has such little understanding of how sexuality works (admittedly, I don't either) that it could never craft such a complicated weapon.

Let me get this straight, err, make sure I understand: Once the gay bomb goes off and the enemy troops become gay, they apparently will become irresistibly attracted to each other and start engaging in sexual activity? It only makes sense, considering that gay people have sex all the time. I'd guess the explosion and intercourse would occur almost instantaneously. Plus, unlike heterosexuals, homosexual people demonstrate no discretion in their attractions. If it's someone of the same sex, gosh darnit, they're going to want to sex. And fast.

In reality, these soldiers would probably be perplexed by their sudden change (assuming a change) in sexuality and withdraw from others in confusion rather than act on any attraction, particularly if they do not realize their feelings are not uncommon amongst their ranks. Additionally, the long-standing disapproval imposed by army, societal, and religious beliefs would most likely lead soldiers to shame and depression, not horny behavior. I'd hazard that they'd need to come to terms long before they come to Elton John.

I'm no scientist, mind you, but I can't imagine hormonal impulses overriding the basic human instinct to survive. "We're being attacked! Let's make out." In a war zone scenario, what people would opt for sexual gratification rather than focusing on self-preservation? I don't care how gay you are, you're not going to become oblivious to the bullets whizzing by your head, even in a state of lust.

In those news reports that are always quickly brushed aside, it's fairly common for American soldiers to be killed by "friendly" fire. So what happens when we accidentally unleash a gay bomb on our own troops? Would our caring commanders, as evidenced by the ongoing Don't Ask Don't Tell regulations, actually assist the affected, or might they mysteriously disappear altogether? Assuming we would let them go home, we already have a startling number of veterans requiring counseling after returning from the war. Can you imagine how much therapy would be required for soldiers whose sexuality was transformed (again, assuming any transformation takes place)?

On the plus side, a weapon like this might finally put an end to the war. I bet the same people who see nothing wrong with killing foreigners for ambiguous reasons might declare the United States' actions inhumane after learning that we're stooping to the immoral level of turning people gay. I'd also like to see the government announce to the country's largely homophobic population that they have found a way to turn people gay, but not the other way around. The religious right might finally use its political clout to deem that the military is mismanaging its spending and cut the country's war budget drastically.

With the weapons invention, panic would undoubtedly ensue. If the Americans could create this sort of technology, surely enemy countries could replicate the weapon. With but a few hours as warning, the terrorist alert color would be set to purple. The midwesterners would cower in their basements and makeshift bomb shelters praying to Jesus to keep them on the straight and narrow, wailing about what might as well be the apocalypse while the people of San Francisco would take to the street and throw a parade. Though the threat would prove unfounded, across the country closeted individuals would finally act on long stifled impulses, claiming to be affected by gaydiation.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I might actually be in favor of a gay bomb. As someone who stresses regularly over the world's overpopulation problem, I must admit that the more people who forego reproducing, the better. We should be dropping gay bombs all over the place. Save the world: Spread homosexuality.

On a somewhat related topic, how come no one pointed out that I kept using the word "homophobe" when I meant to say "homophone." That, a grand mistake, after fixing and acknowledging several other mistakes. Color me embarrassed.