The Grass Isn't the Only Artificial Thing about It

A few months ago, Phoebe called and asked what I was up to. I replied, "Oh, Michael, Amy, and I are just looking at a coupon book. I know that sounds boring, but we're having a great time, actually."

Given my frequent sarcasm, I feel I should reiterate that my statement was sincere. We were just flipping through the pages, finding numerous humorous aspects, making witty commentary, and chuckling continually. With the right people, any event can be entertaining. I suppose the right coupon book doesn't hurt, either.

There's one advertisement that still comes to mind, though. As soon as Michael Michael flipped the page and this appeared in our sight, we both burst out in laughter.



I'm not sure who decided this method was the best way to sell astroturf, but I'd like to shake eir hand. It's all sorts of creepy. The mother model is uncomfortably close to the daughter -- I mean, there is a whole lawn of fake grass to sit on, and she's invading personal space, even for a family member. Additionally, the way she looks at the daughter is haunting. Is she seducing her? Is she about to suck her blood? Or is she just that proud that she can provide her offspring with such a lush lawn on which to sit? The daughter herself is another hilarious component. Her posture is all sorts of funny, as if to indicate she is not enjoying the manner her mother is touching her.

I'd like to imagine there was a director of photography dictating their poses. "Susie, curl your legs under themselves and point the feet outward in order to look a mermaid or perhaps someone with her legs not attached to her torso. Good, now have one arm hold them to further the idea that they are detached and would fall off otherwise. Don't worry about your knees, we'll cover that up with a graphic. Okay, now, look straight into the camera. Good, keep that gaze, maybe squint as if the sun is in your eyes, since it's a perfect summer day on the lawn. Let me think about your smile... You have braces, so you should be too embarrassed to smile fully. Why don't you smile just enough to show you have braces, but no more than that so we can still read the self-consciousness. Brilliant! What's missing? Oh I know, a glass of water. Can someone get this girl a glass of water? I want to portray that Susie is able to drink all the water she wants now that her family doesn't need to waste water on a real lawn. Hold it proudly, Susie, as if you're cheers-ing to the turf. Okay, Mom, come in close to Susie. Closer. Closer. Put your hand on her lap, show her you love her. Okay, bend in closer to Susie. Whisper sweet nothings in her ear. That's it! That's it! I've finally found the perfect image to represent wholesome family fun occurring on artificial grass. Don't miss this shot, Roger, it's gold!"

(For maximum creepiness, click on the photo to see it in real size.)