Color Me Bad

I stopped at a take-out restaurant for a Meat Lovers' calzone today. Since my time is precious as of late, I spent the ten minute wait outlining a chapter for my graduate thesis on a piece of paper I had in my pocket. Wanting a sturdy surface to write on, I located a Jumbo-Size coloring book resting atop a small table in the corner next to some crayons. Though the pages were of flimsy quality, its girth alone* provided enough support for me to scrawl on my lap. When my calzone was complete, the server placed the container on my lap and I took my leave. I set it down on the seat next to me in the car and brought the calzone into my classroom for quick lunch.

It wasn't until later in the day when I picked up my outline beside me in the car that I realized I had also accidentally taken the coloring book as well. The jumbo coloring book, still marked as a $2 value at Big Lots, was the only one in the restaurant, meaning I stolen the sole livelihood of impatient kids waiting for pizza.

I don't steal (bowling shoes being a notable exception), but now I've stolen a coloring book. It might as well have been candy from a baby. Plus, given that it's a jumbo sized book, it's like stealing a King Size candy bar, which is even worse. At least when you steal candy, you can rationalize it as trying to prevent cavities. In my circumstance, I could try to argue that I was helping kids avoid carpal tunnel, which is a stretch at best.

The coloring book has a cute, oversized bunny on the front, but I feel so guilty, I can't even look it in the adorably exaggerated eyes. I have opened the book to see if it's worth keeping, but the completed drawings show no skill for staying in the lines and most of them look more like puddles of Crayola vomit rather than actual art. To make matters worse, though most of the pictures have been left empty, someone has gone through and done every single damn connect the dots puzzle! This is why I hate kids; talk about rendering a coloring book useless.

I suppose I could feel less criminal by just returning it, but why would they want it back now that the connect the dots are finished? So, yeah, if anyone wants a stolen coloring book, again, bearing in mind there are no flipping connect the dots, feel free to take it, sucker.

*Initially, instead of "girth alone," I wrote "sheer girth" only to realize that it might be read as an oxymoron and confuse my dear readers.**
**Actually, I initially wrote "shear girth" before researching the difference between the homophobes "shear" and "sheer."***
***Similarly, even though I am an English teacher, I initially confused "homonym" with "homophobe" before double checking the meanings of those, as well. "Homonym" is when a word with the same spelling has the same meaning. For example "sheer" means both "complete, utter" and "thin," causing a lot of issues for this grammar-conscious writer.