My Mind's a Burnin' Hell

The first time I heard the phrase "fag hag," I assumed the acquaintance who used the term had coined it emself, and considered it quite clever. Little did I know, I simply hadn't been watching enough Will & Grace (or any, really) to be familiar with it.

I was similarly caught by surprise a few weeks ago amidst a Melissa Etheridge sing-a-thon. I was never a big fan of Etheridge, though my dad was, so I'm still able to sing many of the lyrics as long as I have the original music to accompany me. Because of this unusual knowledge, Dallas inquired whether I was a lesbro. Immediately, it was love at first sound. Lesbro. Lesbro. I repeated the word many times, each with laughter. I only wish I knew enough lesbians to be a lesbro. Ever since then, I've tried to find a natural way to work it into conversation. Alas, not once have I been able to find a situation where the term lesbro would apply. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever used "fag hag" in conversation either. Life sucks sometimes. I guess I'll just have to settle for telling this (boring - apologies!) story here.

That wasn't the only thing I learned that night. (Yup, occasionally, on a good night, I might learn up to three new things.) Melissa Etheridge is fucking creepy. A sampling of some lyrics from her more famous songs.

Come to My Window
I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Just to reach you

Keeping my eyes open
I cannot afford to sleep
Giving away promises
I know that I can't keep
Nothing fills the blackness
That has seeped into my chest
I need you in my blood
I am forsaking all the rest
Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Oh to reach you

I don't care what they think
I don't care what they say
What do they know about this
love anyway

Like the Way I Do
Is it so hard to satisfy your senses
You found out to love me you have to climb some fences
Scratching and crawling along the floor to touch you
And just when it feels right you say you found someone else to hold you
Does she like i do

Tell me does she love you like the way I love you
Does she stimulate you attract and captivate you
Tell me does she miss you existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do
Tell me does she want you infatuate and haunt you
She knows just how to shock you electrify and rock you
Does she inject you seduce you and affect you
Like the way I do

Can I survive all the implications
Even if I tried could you be less than an addiction
Don't you think I know there's so many others
Who would beg steal and lie fight kill and die
Just to hold you hold you like I do

Nobody loves you like the way I do
Nobody wants you like the way I do
Nobody needs you like the way I do
Nobody aches nobody aches just to hold you
Like the way I do

I'm the Only One
Please baby cant you see
My mind's a burnin hell
I got razors a rippin and tearin and strippin
My heart apart as well
Tonight you told me
That you ache for something new
And some other woman is lookin like something
That might be good for you

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
Nothings wrong
But Im the only one
Wholl walk across the fire for you
Im the only one
Wholl drown in my desire for you
Its only fear that makes you run
The demons that youre hiding from
When all your promises are gone
Im the only one

Please baby cant you see
Im trying to explain
Ive been here before and Im locking the door
And Im not going back again
Her eyes and arms and skin wont make
It go away
Youll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow
That holds you down today

A little more than a decade ago, these were all successful radio hits that people sang along to in their cars. Did people ever pause to reflect how Etheridge is a psycho, potentially murderous? It's no mystery as to why in each of these songs she's begging for someone to come back - if you dated someone as deranged as her, you'd be trying to run away, too. Recently, Etheridge has gone the route of Al Gore and is educating people about the dangers of global warming. If I were you, I'd be careful about what pollutants you expel, in fear that she'll come and shank you.