Toilet Papered

Driving home on the freeway today, I am momentarily frightened when I spot an airborne object sailing towards my vehicle. It turns out to be just a long piece of toilet paper; it wraps itself around my windshield wiper. I am embarrassed and feverishly mobilize my wipers in a failed attempt to free the toilet paper. There's a certain social stigma attached to having toilet paper dangle from your person (and by extension, I imagine, your car). Truthfully I'm not sure why having toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe is considered to be as humiliating as it is, especially since I'm pretty sure it has happened to everyone at point or another. I can recall a time in junior high when I watched a popular kid exit the bathroom before me with a strand of toilet paper in tow. I didn't point it out, however, because I thought its discovery in a larger setting might contribute in toppling the existing preteen social hierarchy. I don't recall that diabolical plan succeeding, but I momentarily felt a little better about myself anyway.

Tired of looking like a fool, I try the wipers again. After several sweeps, the paper finally breaks free and soars over the top of my car. I use my rearview mirror to locate its whereabouts, watching it fly until it nests on the front of the hood of the car immediately behind me. Although I'm not versed enough in car brands to identify it properly, I can tell you that it was a fancy sports car with the top down; the driver wore sunglasses and chatted on a cellphone, oblivious to the toilet paper destroying the image he was going for. Though it wasn't stuck to anything, the toilet paper hung with the vehicle due to the constant forward movement of the car; until the driver stopped or slowed down significantly, an unlikely occurrence on the freeway, that toilet paper was there to stay. I gleefully watched this disgrace in action from my car for the next several miles. Just prior to getting off at my exit, I see another car, unwashed and dented, drive by me. The people in this junk of a car were looking over their shoulders, pointing and laughing at the sports car besmirched with toilet paper. Nearly a decade later, my revolution to topple the social hierarchy might finally be succeeding.