Old-Fashioned Value

Grocery card shopper saving cards are the biggest scam. To save 30 cents on a spaghetti sauce, I've had to fill out every imaginable piece of personal information so that the supermarket can track my every move. Frankly, I find it a form of distortion - they're appealing to my sense of cheapness in order to obtain market research. Not fair.

Well, I'm sick of it. Until the grocery store can prove to me why they need both my home and cell phone number, I'm withholding this information; I don't need to be emailed about a clean-up on aisle four. A while back, I found on the ground a Ralph's Senior Rewards card, which offers special discounts to the elderly. Though I can never seem to pass for twenty-one, no one seems to have a problem with me pretending that I'm 65. Finally, I've been excited to shop and save again; gone are the days of having to walk to the grocery store through the snow, uphill both ways, like I did when I was a youngin'. Each time I pick up my usual assortment of Double-Stuff Oreos, chicken nuggets, cinnamon rolls, and Bacardi, it excites me to know that the researchers, back in whatever cave they live in, are undoubtedly confused when they study my purchases. "This fogey sure loves Lucky Charms." Ah, there's nothing more deliciously passive aggressive than skewing a corporation's data. Take that!

Oh, and if anyone is looking for an affordable way to obtain prescription drugs, you know where to find me.