The 15 Most Ridiculous Songs of Eurovision 2012

Welp, I'm obsessed with the Eurovision Song Contest again. For the uninitiated, Eurovision is a cross-continental competition where each European nation enters its best song to earn the votes of both the judges and the viewing public. Invariably, the contest turns into some cheesy shit show. Not only are European musical tastes a little… well, let's say "off", but often the choices made in regards to the costuming, choreography, and lyrics are downright laughable.

Even though the competition is still a month and a half away, I couldn't help but peek at this year's 43 entries early. From there, I compiled the 15 songs I found the most ridiculous. You're going to get a kick out of these songs.

Some additional comments on each video clip:
15. MOLDOVA: "Lautar - Pasha Parfeny
I love the inevitable so-simple-they're-stupid lyrics of non-native English speakers like, "This trumpet makes you mine girl."
14. THE NETHERLANDS: "You and Me" - Joan
I've got no beef with the simple folk song, but those unrelated and offensive Native American costumes really make this one a standout.
13. ALBANIA: "Suus" - Rona Nishliu
I think Nishliu can actually sing, but it's hard to tell because she's always screaming. I might, too, if I were a statue.
12. SWITZERLAND: "Unbreakable" - Sinplus
Were it not for the singer's comical accent, this song could probably - unfortunately - be a hit in America, too.
11. CROATIA: "Nebo" - Nina Badric
I'm not sure what she's singing about, but if it's not naked men engaged in a fight against gravity, I'll be disappointed.
10. IRELAND: "Waterline" - Jedward
Twins, scary hair, and cheesy choreography all equal a sight you can't turn away from.
9. SLOVENIA: "Verjamem" - Eva Boto
If there's one thing that can make you look away from that woman's OMG hat, it's the audience's utter inability to sway in a coordinated fashion.
8. RUSSIA: "Party for Everybody" - Buranovskiye Babushki
These old ladies know how to party. I like the woman in the back who doesn't sing at all (she's just a pretty face, I guess,) and obviously the tiny toothless gremlin-looking one who's always a couple of beats behind and seems pretty confused as to where she is.
7. ISRAEL: "Time" - Izabo
Drugs, right? This has got to be the result of recreational drugs.
6. LATVIA: "Beautiful Song" - Anmary
Look, I know it's a songwriting competition, but writing a chorus that goes "Beautiful song is on the radio/is on the tv shows/and plays on and on/Beautiful song/that everybody hums/and everybody loves" is not going to fool anyone into thinking it's actually a beautiful song. Also, who is this woman who thinks she's too important for Mick Jagger and a collaborator with Paul McCartney?
5. GEORGIA: "I'm a Joker" - Anri Jokhadze
It's a good thing he's a joker, because it's hard to take Jokhadze's singing voice seriously.
4. AUSTRIA: "Woki Mit Deim Popo" - Trackshittaz
Highly-sexualized songs with glow-in-the-dark asses are the future of music.
3. TURKEY: "Love Me Back" - Can Bonomo
This guy needs to stop trying so hard, or - better yet - stop trying altogether.
2. MONTENEGRO: "Euro Neuro" - Rambo Amadeus
I hope this old, off-key man with some highly politicized rapping revolutionizes hip hop. I mean, he's already redefined what it means for a rapper to "ride an ass".
1. SAN MARINO: "The Social Network Song" - Valentina Monetta
I don't know what to make of this auto-tuned ode to Facebook that includes lines like "Do you want to play cybersex again?" and "Click me with your mouse", but if this is honestly the best song your country has to offer, maybe just call in sick instead.

The Eurovision semifinal and final rounds will be held at the end of May and usually streams for free live online, so clear your calendar.

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