Los Angeles Homicides

Sasha is planning on moving out to LA in a matter of months, but is hesitant because of all the murders that happen here. So what do I do to help? I send her a link to the LA Time's Homicide Blog. Sure, it only seemed to scare her even more, but if she had just listened to my suggestion of finding a spot on the interactive map where people don't get killed, I think it might have given her some peace of mind. The LA Tourism Board should hire me for awesome ideas like this!

How could you not find the statistical breakdown helpful? There's a lot of good advice to be inferred! Be alert for guns, but don't fret too much about strangers with large hands: only 31 people have been strangled in the past four years. Stay at home on Sundays as that seems to be murder day in LA, but feel free to go out partying on Wednesday: hump day is the day you're most likely to stay alive. To avoid being gunned down, try to appear Asian rather than Latino. And finally, get older as fast you can. Sure you might get closer to death as you age, but you're less likely to be murdered, and a natural death seems way preferable to one by way of stabbing.

If you're feeling especially morbid, you can click on the photos of the victims, see their murder stories in detail, and then even peek at the comments that their friends and family leave for them. Okay, doing that might not help you feel more secure, but for real I have used this site to inform my own life decisions. I walk alone at night quite often and my friends will say, "Stop that! That's not a safe area!" and then I'll show them the site and be like, "Look, only one dude has been shot there in the past couple of years, it's probably fine."

Also, big ups to my friend Clare who used to maintain this site. I feel really sorry for present day homicide victims who will never have the honor of having Clare chart their demise for them.