In Which I Babble about How Pathetic I Am on a Saturday Night

Normally I'd make an attempt to conceal my loser-dom, but I think it's time to just own up to where I'm at in life. I had all-day plans with a few friends today who bailed on me because they decided they'd rather sleep in. So then I made tentative night plans with another friend, who also bailed so that she could go to bed. At 8:45! Looks like I'm making the wrong plans with the wrong friends at the wrong times.

I've left the house for all of 10 minutes today, with my one departure being a quick trip to the ATM to deposit a check. And I didn't even succeed at that because I forgot it at home. And rather than just going right back with the check like a normal person, I decided against it in fear that someone would notice me return so soon. So what have I done today instead? Watched a lot of kid game shows on YouTube and looked at pictures of the girls from Korea's Next Top Model. As trivial as that is, it did lead to some deep questions, like "Am I racist for not thinking these girls are that attractive?" I'm not sure about the racist part, but I'm confident that it makes me pathetic.

The reason it's even more embarrassing that I'm at home is because I have a new roommate who's 5 years younger than me. I like her, but I worry that she realizes I was at home all day with nothing to do and has branded me a loser already. She already questioned me on my plans last night, and I wasn't sure how to respond. Do I tell her that I had been invited to go out by one friend, but I declined so that I could get up a reasonable hour? Do I tell her I now regret the decision seeing as I later learned I wouldn't need to get up early after all? Do I tell her that I also got invited out by the same group of friends who preemptively bailed on me for the following morning, but I didn't even entertain the notion because I felt it would make me complicit in providing them with the reason they wouldn't be able to get up the next morning? My rationales seemed logical to me, but I worry she could reasonably find them neurotic.

Part of me wants to explain to my new roommate "when you get to my age, you just can't hang as much anymore" to excuse my behavior. Besides, it's true. Now that I'm 28, I think of myself as 30. 30 used to scare me, yet now that I have 2 years to go, I'm already rounding up. In my head, I honestly think all the time that I'm "like 30." It's as if I've given up.

I mean, I haven't given up. It's become increasingly obvious that while I can join my friends for shared interests, I can't expect them to do participate in interests they don't share. While I keep trying new activities to meet new people in the hopes of figuring out what I want from life socially, it's not coming easily. Part of me is considering going back to AA (which I have gone to previously as an observer, not an addict), just because I know it's a supportive group of people who do sober activities. It seems like it'd be fun to have nights where the go-to activity isn't imbibing. Does that make me more pathetic? Is that a sign that I really am 30 and not in my 20s anymore? Or is it a sign that I'm an immature idiot that I'd even contemplate pretending to be a recovering alcoholic to one group of people while still going out to bars with other groups of friends?

The best thing about this post is that everyone is really going to want to hang out with me now. I seem like a lot of fun and not at all crazy. But maybe your mom can call my mom anyway? I could really go for an arranged play date right now. Someone else needs to figure out the social life of this "30"-year-old because I can't handle it right now.

1 comment:

LK said...

Oh god I'm only 26 and this is my life. I swear I was cool (drunk) in college.

Let's start a knitting circle. We can call it "Knitter Please."