Why I Won't Be Cheering for the Packers

In fourth grade, my teacher informed my class that we would all receive pen pals with a kid in another class. Because having a pen pal was an activity romanticized in many a young adult novel, this news wasn't a dreadful ongoing homework assignment - it was a dream come true! Not only was I excited to have an opportunity to write about myself (clearly some things never change), I was eager to make a new friend in another part of the world - at the time, Green Bay, Wisconsin seemed pretty foreign to me.

After receiving the first letter from my new pen pal, Jimmy, the thrill overpowered the fact that we didn't have too much in common. Jimmy liked video games. He didn't like school. He liked playing football. More than anything, he loved the Green Bay Packers. I determined this fact because he wrote GO PACKERS in capital letters, while the rest of the letter lacked so much as an exclamation point. The only question he asked me was, "Do you like football?"

Even though his initial letter was boring, I wasn't going to let that stop me from developing an awesome pen pal relationship. My response was supposed to be one page, but I had so much to say that I wrote three. I started by addressing Jimmy's one question: yes I liked football (lie!) and sometimes I played at recess (true, but only because my friends played and I didn't know what else to do.) Then I took command and shared anecdotes about myself, peppering it with all sorts of questions so I could learn more about him.

Jimmy's next response was even shorter. He did not tell me his favorite book or TV show as I had asked. In fact, he did not respond to any of my questions; it was as if he hadn't even read my letter. In his sparse sentences, Jimmy spoke almost exclusively of football. Again he asked me, "Do you like football?" as if I had not already addressed the topic in my letter. He concluded his missive with a "P.S. PACKERS RULE."

I decided to stoop to his level and talk more about football in my next response. I pretended that I had watched a Packers game on TV when I had really just seen the score in the sports section. My hope was that by showing an interest in Jimmy's interest, I could then get him to like me and talk about the other things I asked about, too.

Jimmy's next letter again didn't answer my questions. He said a little bit about the Packers, but did not even acknowledge the affinity for the team I had demonstrated. At the very least, I had expected him to say that that was "cool." Jimmy's teacher seemed even more displeased with his efforts. While my teacher didn't read our letters so as not to invade our privacy, Jimmy's teacher actually graded her class' before they were mailed to us. By the time I received the letter, it was coated in red ink that fixed his spelling mistakes and instructed him to "write more" and "ask your pen pal more questions."

Some of my other classmates were having much more success with Jimmy's classmates. One girl was writing to her pen pal's home address because they didn't like the few week lag time between the letters. Another friend actually made a long distance call (remember when that was a big deal) to his pen pal so they could have an actual conversation. These people had awesome pen pals and I was stuck with Jimmy.

Still, I didn't give up. My next letter would be a direct appeal to him. I wrote a bunch of Packers facts that I learned for the sole purpose of the letter. I drew a picture of a guy wearing a cheesehead. I even learned how to spell "Brett Favre" for crying out loud. Alas, it was all for nothing. Jimmy's subsequent response was four sentences tops, made no acknowledgment of my Packers effort, shared no new facts about himself, and showed no interest in me. At that point, even I, who could write for days, was done with this exercise.

I don't know what became of Jimmy - it goes without saying that we didn't keep in touch. But if I were going to bet one thing about Jimmy, it's that he is still a rabid Packers fan. And because Jimmy was the worst pen pal ever, I hope his team loses the Super Bowl today. I hope that this game means the world to Jimmy and that he ends up being immensely disappointed, just like I was with the pen pal assignment. Fuck the Packers and fuck you, Jimmy.