The Bitch Finger

Some people told me that my decision to root against the Packers yesterday because of a grudge I hold against my fourth grade pen pal was a stupid reason, but I disagree. Since when has sports fanaticism been about anything BUT stupid long-held grudges? I'm just trying my best to be a typical American male.

In an honest effort to be that red-blooded American male, I watched the Super Bowl with some dude friends yesterday. We're not the most macho bunch, which is not to say that we stuck around to watch Glee afterwards, just that if you were to make a list of guys who are stereotypically masculine, we wouldn't be near the top. Still, for this afternoon anyway, we drank beer, cursed animatedly, and cared about a sporting event.

Following this hyper-masculine activity, I think we all were subconsciously more sensitive to how men are supposed to behave. Preston asked whether you could call a guy a brunette. We thought society would prefer us to just call a guy "brown-haired" or even better, not describe a fellow man physically at all. [Note: The dictionary says the male version is a "brunet".] Soon after, remarking on his pinky injury, Alex asked, "Can a guy use the word pinky?"

Though we had never thought about it before, "pinky" is a pretty girly word. Dudes should not have a body part that effeminate, so I suggested that we acknowledge it as our weakest appendage instead. Alex countered that we should call it the "least badass" of our fingers. Then Preston devised the best monicker of all: the bitch finger. You know, it's just along for the ride.

If you're a bro or a manly man, it's time to take that "pinky" shit out of your vocabulary. It's embarrassing enough to have something that scrawny attached to your body, let alone have to refer to it by that name. In calling it your "bitch finger," you're acknowledging its inferiority, labeling it derogatorily, and maintaining the masculinity that the rest of your body lives up to.