More on The Real Housewives of New Jersey

It’s been a couple of months since I wrote about The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but the drama rages on. I previously stated that the series’ climax occurred at the fundraiser for the dubious cause of “baby cancer,” but things actually peaked a little later when Danielle was bullied/assaulted at the local fashion show. (Why does every lady of every Housewives franchise obsess over fashion? In addition to being dipshits, I think the only prerequisite to become a member of the Housewives family is to be gaudy, so they have no business being at these events.) I’m taking Danielle’s side on the heated incident. While I agree with the other women that Danielle loves playing the victim, the way to handle that is not to legitimately victimize her and validate her histrionics.

In short, Teresa chased Danielle through a building while shouting expletives and then Ashley, Jacqueline’s 19-year-old daughter, ripped some of Danielle’s weave out. (As one of my all time favorite America’s Next Top Model clips demonstrates, if you want to start shit with a girl with enhanced hair, don’t yank her weave, bitch, pour beer on it!) Ashley is really proud of the incident, despite facing criminal charges. Ashley is fast becoming a mess; she understands the conventions of reality television and knows that she can earn favor by outrageously picking on everyone’s favorite target, Danielle. Jacqueline, who used to be the relatable one, acts like a helpless mother who can’t figure out how to control her kid, even though it’s clear that the only way to fix Ashley’s progression toward destruction is to take the cameras away. Jacqueline, like Dina who recently quit the show, could stop participating for the sanity of her family, but it looks like she would prefer to continue the insanity at the cost of her daughter. Good mothering.

Speaking of mothering, how did Danielle end up with the best kids? Ashley is prison-bound. Teresa’s four little Gremlin extras are spoiled brats with years of therapy ahead of them. Caroline’s three kids consist of a beauty school student, a law school flunky, and a guy whose professional goal is to run a carwash and strip club. To be clear with that last guy, those are not two separate businesses, but one singular company that combines all of your automotive and hormonal needs. Mommy must be proud. Meanwhile, Danielle has seemingly normal, beautiful teenagers. They seem pretty ambivalent to the cameras and a bit frightened of their mother at times, but who wouldn’t be? I wish those girls well, but I hate watching Danielle repeatedly take credit for raising them well. Against all odds, Danielle hasn’t fucked them up beyond repair yet, and her daughters are going to need to maintain that tenacity in the upcoming years.

Let’s face it, Danielle is a wreck. She decided to wear her old engagement ring that she hasn’t worn in ages to a party that her ex-husband and his new wife were attending. She swears it has lost all sentimental value and was just a nice piece of jewelry perfect for the occasion, entirely unrelated to flaunting it in front of her ex and his wife with an inferior ring. Entirely unrelated.

Let’s move on to Kim “G”. Yes, they’re still putting the “G” in quotations, so I’m still not sure whether that’s her real last initial. The viewing public overwhelmingly hates Kim “G”, but I love the woman. People call her two-faced because she’s pursuing friendships with two feuding parties, but I don’t see a problem with this. Haven’t we all stayed friends with two people who had a falling out and don’t speak to each other anymore? You don’t have to always pick a side. Plus, I don’t think she’s the big faker people are making her out to be. She has confronted Jacqueline on what she thinks Ashley has done wrong, as well as Danielle on the unacceptable behavior of her recently incarcerated friends at a social function. When she sees something wrong, she’ll call you out on it. Thus far, she’s been a rare voice of reason.

A lot of the reason I like Kim “G” is because she is well past her prime, but still runs around town like some sort of debutante in age-inappropriate outfits. She’s just a desperate woman trying to interject herself into any storyline she can. For the purposes of the show, someone has to be friends with Danielle, and since no one else is willing to do that, newbie Kim “G” is stuck filling that role. Consider it an initiation ritual, no less cruel than most fraternity hazings.

But Kim “G” isn’t the best part of the show. No, the best part is deluded Teresa and her tendency to spend money as if... she has any. In the most recent episode, she admits that her husband has fallen victim to economic setbacks, but still insists on lavish anniversary gifts, which include a large diamond ring and a private helicopter ride. As Teresa will repeatedly tell you, it’s expensive, but she “deserves” it. I’m so happy to know that Teresa believes that people get what they deserve, because the recent news that Teresa’s family is $11 million in debt could not have happened to a better person. When I read that her home and belongings are being forcibly auctioned off to recoup some of the debt, I exclaim, “You deserve it, Teresa!”

Knowing how it pans out for the spend-happy Teresa, the editors are having fun telling the story of a woman living beyond not only her own means, but all of New Jersey’s means. Watching it is like porn for someone who believes in karma or just likes a concrete example of cause and effect. Since I’m a lover and not a hater (nah, I’m pretty much just a hater, which I guess makes me two-faced… just call me Kevin “B”), I’d like to offer Teresa some financial advice that goes beyond the obvious of not treating herself to things she can’t afford: Professional Table Flipping. No, really. I say she hires herself out to appear at people’s private dinner parties, Thanksgiving feasts, corporate events. At some point during the evening, she’ll scream “Prostitution Whore!” and flip the table. Honestly, she’ll never top that moment, so she might as well profit from it. People would love to watch the crazy troll lady recreate her infamous outburst live and in person; several thousand flipped tables later, and Teresa will be on her way to paying off that debt!