Toy Story 3

It took me two attempts to see Toy Story 3. The first time, the line went all the way down the block (go home, kids!) and sold out both showings for the night before we got to the front of the line, but I guess that's what you get when you go to the neighborhood $3 theater. A few weeks later, I thought the same thing was going to happen, but it turned out we were waiting in the Eclipse line: no one cared about the toys anymore. Make no mistake, this theater is HOOD. There are stains on the screen, the seats are sticky, and you have to push away the previous patrons litter since no one cleans between showings. But, again, it's only $3, so obviously it's still my favorite theater.

Unfortunately, it's also a favorite of new mothers. Apparently, the local mothers don't think twice about bringing their newborns to a 10 pm showing. When the baby in the row behind me first started crying, I laughed it off because it was during a daycare scene where lots of kids were screaming and wailing, so it would be hypocritical for me to object when there were equally as obnoxious noises on the screen. But then the baby started crying during the quieter scenes, too. I kept waiting for the mother to carry her infant out of the theater, but she didn't, instead just letting it cry out as if it weren't disruptive to anyone. After exhibiting saintly patience, my friends and I finally turned around and gave those "do something" stares and the mom just stared back, as if to say, "Who gives a shit? You paid $3 to be here, you're lucky my kid's not throwing up on you."

Besides, the babies weren't the only criers: I know a bunch of people who admitted to tearing up during Toy Story 3. I wasn't one of them, however; the closest I came to crying was when I heard the opening notes of the first Randy Newman song and remembered that I was going to be subject to his awful music. I can't stand Randy Newman and his cutesy, bouncy piano ditties about friendship that all sound alike. He sings as if he just had a dental procedure and his tongue is still numb; if I passed him on the street, I might say "Aw, look at that homeless man trying to sing," but unfortunately someone gave Newman a record contract to score a bunch of kids' movies rather than some spare change.

Though, I didn't cry, I did find Toy Story 3 to be fairly emotional. At some points, it even had me feeling bad about abandoning my old toys in my closet until I remembered that the only personality my Mr. Potato Head had was the one I imagined for him. Much of the movie I had trouble enjoying, actually, because I was in a constant state of agitation. Except for the playful opening scene, which I think was the movie's best, the characters were in never-ending peril, always fleeing and unhappy. In that sense, it succeeded as a thriller, but I was hoping for a few more laughs.

Nevertheless, I liked it overall. I'm not sure how to compare it to the first two, since I haven't seen the first two Toy Story films in the past ten years, and Toy Story 2 I've only seen in Spanish in my high school Spanish class. Maybe I'll figure it out by the next one, now that they have left room for yet another sequel. I know the franchise has effectively written out Andy, the toys' original owner, by sending him to college, but if I had my druthers, Toy Story 4 would forget the toys and follow Andy's new dormitory exploits. It's probably a good thing that Andy didn't bring his toys to college, because then they'd have to watch him experiment with drugs and girls, which sounds a lot more interesting, truthfully. Call it Sex Toy Story*. I guarantee that even that wouldn't deter the moms from bringing their tearful toddlers.

* A quick search for "Sex Toy Story" shows that this is hardly an original concept. Yup, there's a porn parody for everything - google at your own risk.