My Wife Is Getting Married

My wife, Cecilia, is getting married today.

I first noticed Cecilia in my English class because she was clearly friends with our professor who I was smitten with. Professor O was this amazing combination of hot, funny, and smart, and I had like an elementary school crush where I would stare at her the entire class, write her name, and doodle her and her boots. I'm not one to generally take notice of people's foot fashion, but they were some sexy boots. Since Cecilia had this amazing rapport with Professor O where she'd joke with her throughout class, I was jealous. I was even more jealous when she gave an awesome performative final presentation that prompted Professor O to say that it made her "wet." I realize that might sound inappropriate, but coming from her, I would have preferred that grade to an A.

During the annual music festival, Arts Collective sponsored a thrift store fashion show where they bought a bunch of strange secondhand articles and people modeled them in between bands as a funny diversion. I agreed to participate at the last minute and the pickings were slim. I found this funny piece of fake fur fabric, which I fashioned into a sort of fur toga/diaper with safety pins. This outfit evidently excited Cecilia, because she walked up to me as I wore it and said, "Let's be friends." I very slowly and awkwardly make friendships, so I wasn't used to someone being so forward with me, let alone from someone who I thought was too cool for me. She had this confidence, and while there was no way I was going to say no to her suggestion, I almost didn't feel worthy.

But friends we were! We both enjoyed being odd, so it worked out. After looking at some pictures of Siegfried and Roy (pre-mauling), we admired how they so blatantly stuffed their pants and enhanced their packages. We followed their lead and exaggeratedly stuffed our crotches and went around town all day enjoying the stares. At some point, we started referring to each other as "hubby" and "wifey," and it stuck ever since.

But now Cecilia is getting married for real. Though I might be jealous if she were sealing the deal with Professor O, I am emotionally okay with letting my wife become a legitimate wife. Nonetheless, I did have one objection (maybe two) which I voiced on my RSVP. I realize it takes a lack of etiquette to write jokes all over a fancy RSVP card, but never underestimate my ability to take a formal event and turn it tacky. Hence my current contemplation of wearing a fur diaper to the big event later this afternoon. If I also wear a jacket and tie, do you reckon it might still meet the dress code?