Roofies

I don't care how cool his hair is, I am not inviting a guy named Roofie-o to my party.

At a bar last week, Melinda excused herself to the bathroom and asked me to hold her drink so it wouldn't "get roofied." Though it seemed a little arrogant that she thought herself worthy of a date rape drug, Melinda pointed out that since she was the only Asian girl in the bar, if that was someone's type, she'd be the prime target. Besides, Bob Saget was at this bar (for realsies), so I guess you can never be too careful.

I don't know if Melinda went to take a dump or get better acquainted with Mr. Saget, but she was gone quite a while and my hand was getting tired - you know how I feel about manual labor. At that point, I decided it might be best to roofie her drink. My intent would not be to harm her, but teach her a couple of lessons, namely not to trust me or ask me for favors. When Melinda returned, I confessed my intentions to her and she argued that it would only prompt her to trust me more, since she knew I'd be a gentleman about it and get her safely to bed.

The conversation diverged from roofies for a while, but returned when Melinda recalled that she, Allison, and I had scripted an as-yet unperformed comedy sketch at lunch a year ago involving a would-be rapist. The rapist is in the market for roofies, but winds up encountering a shifty drug dealer (is there any other kind?) who secretly sells him meth instead. Unknowingly, the rapist slips meth into his target's beverage, which causes her to become super alert and aggressive. In this state, she handily kicks the rapist's butt when he makes his move. See, it's not just a dark comedy, it has a moral. I'm not sure why no one has agreed to stage this for us yet.

Changing the subject, Andrew recounted a recent situation when he found himself stuck in an awkward conversation. Though he wanted to leave, he couldn't determine how to extricate himself from the situation. Melinda interjected that Andrew should have roofied this acquaintance's drink, pointing out that they're the perfect tool for an escape. Rather than having to awkwardly excuse yourself, you can easily slip away as they're passing out. She brings up a good point: roofies have this awful stigma attached, but they don't always have to lead to rape. As we learned that night, they can be quite useful as a sleep aid, joke punch line, trust test, community theater plot, and diversionary tactic.

Bangerang, Rufio!