Chris Harrison Is a Tool

I've never seen Jake & Vienna's Bachelor shows, but I was compelled to tune into their much hyped break-up interview after hearing about the claims of abuse, infidelity, and abstinence. The most I've seen of Jake is in the last few minutes of Dancing with the Stars before Lost would come on, on which he'd smile like a douche and wear some glittered V-cut revealing a lot of man cleavage, so I do not have an informed opinion on their relationship. Other people sure do, however. So Jake is an insensitive bully? Seems like it. Vienna is an annoying bitch? I'm inclined to agree from the little bit I've seen.

But can't we agree they both are crappy fame whores who don't deserve further attention and direct our vitriol toward someone who deserves a proper reaming? Chris Harrison is television's biggest tool. He is such a tool that he orders screwdrivers when he is at a bar. He is such a tool that his favorite animal is a hammerhead shark. He is such a tool that he goes home and sleeps in a toolbox at night.

First of all, Chris is an awful host. He facilitated the interview so poorly that it was difficult to discern even the slightest narrative as to what went wrong in their relationship. As best as I could tell, these were the problems in the relationship:
1. Vienna was forced to live/trapped in her L.A. apartment like some modern-day Rapunzel even though Jake knew she hated L.A. and even though she intends to continue living in L.A. post-break-up.
2. Vienna invited a "single man" over to their apartment. Apparently, he was gay, BUT STILL.
3. Vienna asked Jake for directions, and then used a GPS anyway.
4. Vienna wanted to rearrange bedroom furniture. (Feng shui is real!)
5. Vienna had a sick dog in Florida that Jake wouldn't allow her to see. Though this seemed like it might be a legitimately important issue that could have caused a riff between the two, this is the one point where Chris interrupted by saying, "We don't really care about the dog." Actually, we do care about the dog, Chris, but thanks.

At the conclusion, Chris thanked them both for their honesty, even though with contradicting stories (including even something so basic as who broke up with whom), they couldn't both possibly be honest.

On a more nitpicky level, Chris failed to make a string cheese joke when Vienna asked for a "polly-o-graph" test or ask her when she called Jake a "fake liar" whether that meant he was actually a truth-teller. Which is not to say he was protective of Vienna, he seemed pretty bias against her throughout. Chris's main beef seemed to be that Vienna sold her story to the tabloids, which he considers to be distasteful. I fail to see how a relationship that he contributed in making highly public requires a private break-up. No, Chris's actual agitation stems from the fact that she was exposing the whole relationship as a sham rather than splitting amicably and quietly while no one is paying attention so that the next season can air with its reputation intact.

You see, Chris Harrison is a shill. His job is to make people believe that true love is real and can easily happen on a contrived television show. As the public figurehead for the ABC franchise, he makes frequent media appearances in which he misleads the public into thinking the show is about romance while knowing damn well that it is anything but. For fourteen seasons, his behind-the-scenes access affords him a unique understanding of precisely why this social experiment could never work, yet pats himself on the back for facilitating an opportunity for deserving singles to find happiness.

Do you know how many of these men are still with the women they chose at the end of The Bachelor? Zero. For a show with the premise that a single man will be well on his way to marrying a woman at its conclusion, it has been an utter failure.

In the end, it doesn't really matter whether Jake or Vienna is a bigger liar. The biggest liar of all is Chris Harrison. His soft-spoken, emotionally-invested hosting shtick is one big pile of phony. He deludes susceptible Americans into thinking his show is the epitome of romance while simultaneously giving them false expectations of what love really is, all in the name of job security. He is a despicable, phony tool who should be ashamed of himself. If I had the opportunity, I'd say that to his face. And then I'd punch him in it.