The Real Housewives of New Jersey

The best thing I saw on television this past week was The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I find myself wanting to talk about it all of the time! Here are ten things that made it awesome.

1. Baby Clothing
Teresa, speaking in the third-person: "Teresa only raises divas, not tomboys."
If you don't believe her, check out the hat she put on her two-day-old.


2. The Birthday Party
Teresa decides that since Gia is so "high maintenance," she needs to throw her a lavish ninth birthday party in order for it to be memorable. First she buys Gia an ATV, plops another daughter haphazardly on the seat behind her, and lets them go for a speedy, untrained ride without helmets. Her only concern is that they don't drive through puddles since she doesn't want their clothes to get wet. Gia's party is at a children's spa treatment facility, complete with facials, which about a dozen of Gia's friends travel to via pink limousine. Teresa admits that everything cost her a lot of money, and then literally pats herself on the shoulder for a job well done.


3. Blackfacing
After causing a minor controversy by saying she would never marry a Jewish man earlier in the season, Gia upped her bigot quotient by applying blackface to the amusement of her friends.


4. Gabriella's Emotions
For this whole season, she's always either crying or about to cry. I think that's a product of living with her family. Buck up, though, Gabriella, you've already won the genetic lottery by miraculously avoiding the troll-like appearance that your parents and siblings have inherited.


5. Do As I Say, Not As I Do
Jacqueline meets her daughter Ashley's boyfriend's mom for the first time to discuss their kids' relationship. They express concern about their kids having sex and drinking alcohol, all while drinking enough wine to decide that doing this might be a good idea:


6. Mob Ties
The Manzos have had to publicly deny being involved in the mafia, and then patriarch Albert sits behind a desk in a suit, calmly delivering orders. Maybe if he wrung his hands a little less, the denials would be more convincing.


7. Good Choices
Though 18-year-old Ashley's whole family is concerned that she is making poor decisions since she moved out of her house so that she can drink, avoid a curfew, and have sex with her 23-year-old boyfriend, Ashley sees it differently: "I'm on birth control, so I make good choices." Ah, okay. At least she won't be having a kid with...

8. "Baby Cancer"
Some infant in the New Jersey community is said to be suffering from "baby cancer." I know it's inappropriate, but I laughed every time someone used the phrase "baby cancer." While I don't doubt that the child in question is actually sick, I have Googled fairly extensively to find out exactly what "baby cancer" is, and have come up with nothing. Anyway, somebody thinks it's a good idea to invite certified head-case Danielle to a fundraising event to help raise money and awareness for "baby cancer" and I legitimately giggle uncontrollably as I realize the season's dramatic climax will distastefully occur at a "baby cancer" event.

9. The Entourage
Since the "baby cancer" fundraiser is occurring on her rivals' property, Danielle opts to bring some extra guests for "protection." Because, you know, "baby cancer" events are pretty dangerous. Her posse consists of an old lady socialite Kim "G"... if that is her real last initial,

a Hells Angel, a few mobster looking guys like this eerily silent one

and most importantly, Danny, who served a five year prison sentence for reasons Danielle is not at liberty to discuss. The man is clearly deranged, but I dig that he has a supposedly intimidating stare that he likes to call a "30-to-Life":

Kim "G" might actually be scared, though, after the conversation she had with Danny upon meeting him earlier.

Danny: We'll have no issues tonight.
Kim "G": Drink to that!
Danny: I can't drink yet, but in six days, I don't even gotta get permission.
Kim "G": Oh... Why, why do you wait six days?
Danny: I'm on parole.
Kim "G": [this non-verbal response]

I don't think Kim "G" knew she would be joining a bunch of ex-cons when she agreed to support Danielle at the charity event.

10. The Drama
The "baby cancer" fundraiser was sponsored by a local hunting club and turned out to be a little more lowbrow than Danielle and co. dressed for. The club was raffling off weapons to raise money, which made the presence of multiple ex-cons even funnier. Unfortunately, they didn't get to stay, because they were last minute additions not on the guest list and seats were not available. This led to a lot of conflict; Danielle felt unwelcome and *surprise* she managed to make the "baby cancer" event all about herself. The "baby cancer" parents had to have known this would happen when they invited her and the Bravo cameras, right?

I am suddenly way more hooked on this show than I care to admit, but, like, this is TOO good.