How to Compliment a Pregnant Person

Michael Michael and I find one of the manager's at Margarita Mondays strikingly attractive, in spite of my short-lived feud and subsequently amusing make-up with her. She doesn't often work the Monday shift anymore, so last month I was pleasantly surprised to see her back again -- with child. At the sight of her pregnant belly, I immediately texted Michael to inquire whether he was responsible for this turn of events, which, come to think of it, he never denied.

My initial excitement to see her turned to concern quickly. Apparently, someone had spilled a little something on the floor, so the pregnant manager nearly slipped, which caused me to flinch; I don't want her to fall, particularly in that condition. Another time, a college girl getting wasted at an adjacent table suddenly got up from her chair without looking and full on elbowed the unnoticed manager in the stomach. It was an accident, but it was awful. I leaned over to Laura and said in a singsong voice, "Miscarriage!"

I've decided Margarita Monday is not a safe environment for a pregnant person. Also not safe? Miscarriage jokes. Laura immediately smacked me when I made my joke (which was really only a half joke, because that accidental contact was for real) and acted appalled. So what, we can't joke about miscarriages anymore? What's next, HIV?

Several weeks later, Michael Michael has returned to California and was able to witness the manager at Margarita Mondays in the flesh -- the rotund baby-bumped flesh, even. He greeted her kindly and made an inquiry.

Michael: "How far along are you?"
Manager: "Five months."
Kevin: (interrupting and acting appalled) "What? You look great, thin as ever. I didn't even notice. How could you say that to her?"
Manager: (confused) "Oh... thank you, that's... nice of you to say"

Really, I was just trying to impulsively outplay Michael in our pretend bids for the manager's affection, but I think I accidentally stumbled upon my new favorite approach toward pregnant people: no matter how obvious it is, act as if I didn't realize they are pregnant. Since people are so opposed to being called fat, I'm going to deny noticing anything besides a trim, healthy figure. Sure, they'll think I'm crazy, but I won't be as crazy as when they reflexively accept this absurd line as a compliment.