Galifianakis

Try as I might, I'm not as funny as Zach Galifianakis. Here's three quotes from his stand-up act that cause me to quiver with laughter.

"At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted? I think around seven because they start thinking, 'I don't look like the Kiwanis club.'"

"I hate to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble -- because it's worth a shit load of points."

"My grandma treats me like a rock star. I guess that's why she lets me sign her tits. It takes forever... because I use a pencil."