Something To Sneeze At

Everybody's doing it, but nobody's talking about it: Sneezing.

I sneeze frequently because I'm allergic to the sun. No, really, I suffer (with emphasis on suffer, of course) from a legitimate condition called photic sneeze reflex. Basically, when I transition from a dark environment to a bright environment (most often occurring when I step out of a building or car into the bright sun), I am prone to sneeze.

No matter the cause, I almost always sneeze in pairs. Anytime I sneeze, I stop what I'm doing and wait for the second eruption to occur, because I know 90% of the time it's bound to follow, even if on a fifteen second delay. This situation makes the whole "God bless you" social grace awkward, because sometimes people seem like I'm inconveniencing them by provoking them to say it again so soon, as if I live for being acknowledged for a bodily function.

I don't even like "God bless you," anyway. It's a theistic statement that's been mainstreamed. Even the abbreviated "Bless you" carries the same implication. It's not socially acceptable to respond to someone else's cough, fart, or hiccup, so why is it even necessary to do that for sneezes?

In college, my friend Colin came up with a solution to the "Bless you" dilemma. His alternative response, "Happy Sneeze" was a way of acknowledging someone sneezing without pushing a religious message. For a while, my friend circle adopted this cheerful saying into our collective lexicon.

Soon, however, I found myself saying "Happy Sneeze" far too frequently. People sneeze a lot, as it turns out, and by giving such a kind response each time, I feared I was only positively reinforcing the action. Therefore, I switched the saying to the tried and true, "Shut up!"

That's right, anytime someone would sneeze, I'd yell, "Shut up!" Sure, it comes across harshly to people who expect to hear encouraging words, but it does no good to coddle the sick. How are people going to learn to stop sneezing when people are so sweet to them? This circumstance is a case where it's cruel to be kind.

If you were to happen upon our dorm that year, you'd probably think we hated each other due to the amount of "Shut up!"s we bandied about. When someone three doors down would sneeze, there'd be at least a couple people retorting loudly with, "Shut up!" It was even better when we'd react to people who weren't in on the joke. The sneezer wouldn't know how respond, giving a confused look indicating, "Well, sorrrrrrry for sneezing."

To this day, I still take the "Shut up" approach, knowing the importance of putting sneezers, myself included, in their place. It's a campaign that's going global, too. Check out this team in Thailand on this past week's episode of The Amazing Race. One sibling sneezes in a peculiar fashion (I love sneezes that barely sound like sneezes) and the other sibling eventually gives the only appropriate response.



Remember, spread "Shut up!" not germs. With your support, we will find a cure for photic sneeze reflex one day.