Laps in Judgment

In addition to my regular classroom duties, my administration has mandated that I supplement my pre-existing joy for my profession by "volunteering" at student athletic events every so often. Today, I "volunteered" to work at the cross-country running meet because I figured that with a long distance activity, I wouldn't be expected to pay attention the whole time, unless they wanted me to literally chase behind them, which wouldn't be fair, because I didn't sign up for a heart attack.

Before the race, the coach gave me the lowdown on my duties. I would stand out in the park's parking lot as the kids raced through that portion of the course in order to move cones and "use [my] body" to block the traffic and prevent the students from being hit by vehicles. Essentially, I was a human cone. Frankly, with the teacher shortage in the state, you'd figure they'd be more willing to risk the lives of a couple of the millions of students rather than put the ass of a "highly qualified" professional on the line, but my district is pretty antiquated, so the mentality is probably still "women and children first" or some bullshit.

I asked for an estimation as to how long this would take. The coach told me, "Well, the slowest girl on the other team looks like she could be pretty slow. I haven't seen her run, though." So ey was just assuming, just like ey was assuming when ey pointed to a guy from the other team and said, "I bet he'll be fast, though. I haven't seen him run, but you can tell." Apparently, you can tell because he's the African American on a team of Latinos. I still never got an approximate time, but if the students ran as quickly as their coach made sweeping generalizations, it would be over in no time.

Seeing one of my new students, I said hello and "I didn't know you were on the cross country team." Ey asked, "Who did you come to cheer on?" I found this question cute, and I wish I could say I'm one of those supportive teachers who came to root for my students rather than being forced to do so, so I lied. "I came to see you." Then I remembered that I just said I didn't know ey was on the team, so I had to amend my statement, "... And Minnie*, really." Minnie was one of my favorites last year, until ey advocated killing people for being gay, an issue on which we don't exactly see eye to eye.

My duties were fairly simple, but not without some complications. I quickly discovered I was less of a human cone and more of a pin monkey, frequently assembling, de-assembling, and reassembling the cones as the runners ran by so that I could keep letting traffic in and out when gaps permitted. My second worst student from last year passed by the park in a car and heckled me, so I gave him a fake smile and wave. Within five minutes, he drove around the block again, so he could curse at me further. The darling kid proceeded to do exactly that twice more, clearly having nothing better to do (I'm sure he has homework he should be busy with, not that he'd ever do it), which served as an unnecessary distraction from my daunting task of moving cones.

I initially figured that there wouldn't be that many cars trying to enter and exit a small park, but this assumption proved incorrect. A lot of people were irritated with my presence, and I understand why since I looked like little more than a person who set up cones without a real purpose unless a student was running by at that moment. My first truly awkward encounter came from a person driving an ice cream truck. When I made em wait, the driver screamed out the window at me, "This is my business, get out of my fucking way!" I wouldn't expect someone who sold ice cream shaped like Sponge Bob and whose vehicle emitted the songs "Turkey and the Straw" and "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" to be such an asshole. Later, a stream of runners kept someone driving a Hummer from exiting the park for an extra couple of minutes, and so ey honked their horn as I just stared em down, ready to be that human cone that would undoubtedly be crush under such a massive car. I can't lie, I took pleasure in holding up someone who is such a gas-guzzler, so it didn't phase me when the driver passed by me and said, "This is not a good place for them to be running." I must admit, I would agree with this opinion, but similarly, the earth is not a good place to be driving that pollution machine. If only I had thought of that retort at the time.

As the kids ran by, I did my best to clap and look excited, but I didn't even fool myself. I quickly realized who the aforementioned "slowest girl" must be -- the overweight one. Indeed, she was bringing up the rear. Notably, however, the black student who "looked" fast was also toward the back of the pack. Once the last student rounded my portion during the last lap, I picked up the cones and headed home. I didn't even watch to see who won. If anything, I suppose I was cheering for the fat girl to pull off a come-from-behind victory, even if she was on the other school's team.