The Blue Lagood-golly-this-sucks

While walking through the living room, Phoebe and I catch one of my housemate’s watching naked teenagers on the television screen. Naturally, Phoebe questions my housemate as to what ey is doing, and ey answers that ey is watching The Blue Lagoon, a “classic,” and that it only looks wrong when out of context from the rest of the film. I actually jump in to defend em; though I haven’t seen the movie, I’ve heard about it and figure I can vouch for it as legitimate, not pornographic, cinema with a plot that extends beyond nudity. Phoebe becomes intrigued with the premise, so we vow to watch it later.

Returning from dinner, we prepare to watch The Blue Lagoon. I’ve heard that friends of mine (Angel? Linda? I’m guessing and don’t quite remember) played a drinking game with the movie in the past, so we look up the rules on the Internet, but can’t find them. The best we can find is some former Pitzer student’s Livejournal which references the game with no mention of the rules; evidently, it’s a community tradition rather than a worldwide phenomenon. Hence, we decide instead to make up our own rules based upon the snippet of the film we witnessed earlier. Phoebe excitedly exclaims the first suggestion, “Group swimming!” I’m not sure how to articulate the statement’s full hilarity, other than that it just is. Maybe it’s the way she said it, or perhaps the fact that she called it “group swimming” rather than simply “swimming.” Either way, I do not anticipate this event happening too frequently. Other ideas we brainstorm are sipping any time there is a wild animal, nudity, an expression of sexuality, someone eating, or the characters are ignorant to something they would have known if they didn’t grow up on the island.

As it turns out, The Blue Lagoon, starring an underage and nude Brooke Shields, sucks more than a vacuum. One person in the viewing party claims it’s the worst movie ey’ve ever seen. Now I’m embarrassed that I ever defended it. Having experienced it firsthand, I can confirm that it is little more than child pornography. You know who calls this movie a classic? Pedophiles. It’s not artistic, it’s not deep, it’s just a pair of naked teenagers on an island. Nothing else happens. I’ve been teaching sequence of plot this past week, so perhaps I’m hypersensitive to the issue, but The Blue Lagoon has no plot. Two kids are stranded on an island and show off their nubile genitals until they are finally discovered. Even the conflict isn’t clear. I suppose the obvious answer would be that they’re stuck on an island, but they are so content to be there that they avoid ships passing by in fear of being rescued. In fact, the movie does such a good job of convincing us that these teenagers have an amazing life just fucking and “group swimming” that I don’t see a conflict at all.

What’s missing from The Blue Lagoon is something we in the biz call “rising action”: the events that lead us from the inciting incident to the climax. The only climax I can recall is a sexual one. No exaggerating, most of the film consists of the kids becoming increasingly confused and hormonal. It takes more than half an hour of nothing but sexual tension from the point you realize “oh, they’re going to have sex” to the actual moment when they finally stumble into figuring out what to do. The whole time, I keep screaming “just do it already!” As much as I’m not one to cheer for copulation between underage kids, it’s clear that the movie is going to go nowhere until they finally do it, so I just wanted them to get it over with. I hold out hope that the sub“plot” about the island’s primitive cannibal natives, albeit offensive, will come to fruition. Alas, despite a couple scenes establishing danger, the teens and the natives never run into one another even though they share a small island for about a decade, making its inclusion entirely worthless.

The only thing that keeps me watching is the drinking game aspect. There are plenty of scenes featuring eating, animals, and yes, even group swimming to keep us sipping. And to think I initially laughed under the assumption that group swimming wouldn’t be a frequent occurrence. Plus, I remember that group swimming is good advice, too: Don’t forget to use the buddy system for safety.

Later, I confront my housemate about eir affinity for The Blue Lagoon. Ey attempts to call it an epic, comparing it to Romeo and Juliet. While you can find a couple of parallels, insisting that something lacking a plot and any real significance is quite similar to a Shakespearean work is a blasphemous comment when directed at an English teacher. This same person once claimed that Friends has more intelligent humor than Arrested Development, so I know to take it with a grain of salt. My housemate then promised that Return to Blue Lagoon has a real plot and that I would like it better, as if I’m interested in giving it a try. I’m so glad they saved the “real” plot for the sequel made eleven years later.

I wrote all of the above earlier today, and just now, I’ve passed through the living room, finding the housemate watching The Blue Lagoon again, for the third time in as many days. I can’t help but grill em again. Justifying watching the movie again, ey says, “We’re all responsible adults here. Well, except for Brooke Shields.” Again, ey insists it’s not about the skin, but ey just thinks it’s a “really good movie.” Frankly, I’d sooner admit to being a horn-ball than copping to that.